Dear W: I grow increasingly concerned about the mental health of my fellow Americans in the wake of the September 11th attack. Perhaps it's just because I was born and raised in the Midwest, but folks these days just seem downright unfriendly and suspicious of each other. This seems especially true in the case of air travel, where passengers and even flight crews seem unnecessarily hostile and defensive. Sometimes, when I'm speaking to a flight attendant, he or she will appear highly nervous and agitated, almost combative.
 
I'm sure many feel about this as I do. Nothing personal, just a sign of these unsettled times. But I must admit to being a little depressed by it all. What would you recommend? - Aboudesh Mahmoud, Toledo, OH
 
Dear Aboudesh: It's only natural that folks 'd be respondin' to our national tragedy in some a' the ways you outlined. This is a time for national healin', and I think we'll be right as rain, soon's we's done that. In the meantime I may have some good news for you about the travel thing. If, as I am presumptive, you're extracted from Arab ancestory, you'll be glad to know that Attorney General John Ashcroft is right now drawin' up special travel plans for you and your ethnic collegials. John tells me his primary goal is to get you people where you're goin' the quickest way possible.
 
Dear W: The Republican Party has long represented itself as a paragon of fiscal stewardship, and a vigorous opponent of deregulation in any form. Yet as the Enron debacle unravels we find that countless administration officials failed to detect crimes that occurred under their very noses, or even worse, appear to have actually aided the perpetrators. How is it possible that Kenneth Lay, your long-time friend and intimate political ally was able to ruin the lives of so many while the two of you were in almost daily contact? — Whelming Brine, Mystic, CN
 
Dear Whelming: I think you may could be conflatin' me with some other fella. I believe I may have met somebody name a' "Lay," but I couldn't honestly tell you if his name was Ken, Keith, Kevin, or whatever. It could be that somebody in government knows 'im, but I think it'd have to be a different government, 'cause nobody in this one ever heard a' nobody like you said.
 
Dear W: Well, you really blew it this time, didn't you?. I keep asking myself how anybody could let a one-eyed mullah and what has to be the world's most famous terrorist slip through his fingers. Now I suppose we'll have to chase these guys from one country to the next, blowing up more populations as we go. I had thought that even you couldn't mess this one up, but it seems I underestimated you yet again. What do you have to say for yourself this time? - Irate in Bangor
 
Dear Irate: I've been thinkin' about just what you asked myself, and I come to a amazin' conclusion. Understand now, I don't speak for the whole government, but it is my contentious that Osama bin Laden don't exist, and he never did!
 
Now hold on there, 'fore you say I'm, like my kids say, "total whack," and see if these two theories don't stand to reason. The first one come to me when we showed the whole world that tape a' "bin Laden" grabbin' credit for the 911 attack. Some said we made up the film in Hollywood, and I started thinkin' well, why couldn't it work the other way? We all know how good the Al Quaida is with technology. How come they couldn't a' made up all them other tapes they own selves?
 
Now I bet you're laughin' out the other side a' your face, ain't you? Makes sense, don't it?. But wait, I got another one: y' ever notice how "bin Laden" looks a little bit different in ever' photograph and video? When I stretch my mind I can see how it could be lotsa different actors impersonalizin' him!
 
See what I mean? Whatever way y' figure it, he don't exist! 'Course my brother Jeb ain't total convicted as me. Either way, he says, Osama's ever' bit as real as I am.