In this week's discussion, your alert deponents at Chez W took as our subject the Human Condition and humanity's long-term prospects--a subject customarily reserved to the first of the month, when the medical shipment arrives and the Prozac is nice and fresh.
 
In no time at all our colloquy lurched onto the topic of war (Hunnh!) and it's usefulness or lack thereof. You may not be surprised to learn that it met with general disapprobation.
 
We were, however, agreed that at its best war is very instructive. Take for example the Iraqi war (please,) which, it would seem, we are to have, come flood or Satan. Our apparent purpose in the rapidly approaching belligerence is, in the words of our President, is "to learn them Iraqis how to build them a good nation, 'stead a' the rotten one they got now."
 
But perhaps we misunderstood him.
 
Now, nation building is a thing we Americans know a little something about, having built our own from scratch. And we can be especially proud that we did it all by ourselves, with no help from anyone, unless you count the hundred or so nations whose inhabitants came over to help--for the most part graciously and voluntarily, although a few had to be coaxed.
 
The building of America was an inspiring effort that was only partially marred by our guest workers' failure, at the end of their labors, to pack up and go back home, thus casting something of a shadow over what might otherwise have been a magnificently altruistic gesture.
 
But never mind, the point is that by hook or by crook America got built, and with relatively little of the carnage one so often sees in lesser nations (i.e., virtually everyone else).
 
Nowadays so many of your modern backward nations seem to have acquired a passion for the explosive arts. It often feels as though everywhere you look today its bombs, bombs, bombs. Well, you didn't see our forefathers (and certainly not our foremothers) tossing bombs everywhere they went; no sir, that came later. In the beginning we did it the civilized way--with guns.
 
Everyone knows the story: how from the midst of the ocean's might and the tempests of chance, a doughty band of Caucasian Realists first stepped upon the shores of this land when it was hardly being used by anybody at all, and promptly began turning it into a paradise for their own kind.
 
And we didn't need Loya Jergas or any such folderol. All we needed was a relative handful of well-educated, extremely opinionated Christian men who, without the time-consuming burden of overmuch public consultation, sat down and hammered together our constitution--a masterpiece of equivocal specificity that has stood for over two hundred years as the semi-permanent foundation of our great land.
 
And this Herculean task they accomplished without even having to consider such prospective bugbears as the abolition of slavery, the almost-emancipation of women; the advent of the airplane, television, the Internet, globalism, drug abuse, nuclear war, terrorism, plague or Elizabeth Dole.
 
Vision! Yes!
 
From there all that was required was a relative handful of muskets and a few smallpox-infested blankets, and we were in business!
 
From thence we have risen to a nation that is universally loved. Or respected. Or feared. Or whatever. A nation that the rest of the world views with amazement--if not outright disbelief. In fact it would be fair to say that we are well on our way to becoming a nation that is beyond belief!
 
Our success is in part due to a deep understanding of the nature of war--which is in essence a religious undertaking. New wars and new religions have a similar origin: a difference of opinion that got out of hand. The problem with war (diplomacy by other means) is that if you're not careful it can become messy and absurd. This is where your inferior nations make their mistake. They begin with a few arguably legitimate grievances, and before you know it they're blowing up innocent things. Like houses. Or children.
 
Immediately thereupon legitimacy is out the window as each atrocity becomes sufficient unto the next, and suddenly war becomes as pointless as a Democratic Caucus and as self-perpetuating as a lie.
 
And, of course, worth absolutely nothing, (Hunnh! Good God!)
 
Thus our duty is clear: to put an end to sectarian violence, no matter how many wrong-heads we have to kill to do it. We're going to make sure the Iraqi people emerge from this exercise with a strong and viable nation. Ironically, in so doing it will first be necessary to tear down the one in which they are presently living, but a fresh start is always a good idea; don't you think?
 
 
Heads up, Iraqis! Here we come!
 
* * * * *
 
On another subject, your W Team is determined to solve a great mystery. Every year about this time, especially in the last week of the month, our nightly snacks of cookies and milk start disappearing like nobody's business. At first we suspected Mrs. Feeny, but now we believe it to be the work of an external agency. Accordingly, we have adopted the tactic of staying awake all night--or as long as we little sleepyheads can. Unfortunately, the resulting sleep deprivation has left us a bit enervated and inclined toward the disagreeable--although the visions of sugarplums dancing in our heads have become quite vivid.
 
Thus, for the foreseeable nonce we think it wise to take a brief leave of absence of our publishing duties until the culprit has been apprehended and brought before the bar of justice (it's a cash bar). We will return on January 8th of the new year, when, no matter what anyone says, we will continue with our journalistic endeavor.
 
Until then, good cheer--and keep your eyes on those midnight snacks!
 
Hank