Now and again, on days that draw a cold steel blade across the jugular of our complacency, it comforts us to hop into the W-Mobile (a splendidly reconditioned 1954 Studebaker) and motor over to the residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
 
There, under the disquietingly vigilant eyes of the rapidly multiplying security force, while being careful to make no sudden moves, we bask in the implicit presence of our radiant leader, who, at whatever time of the day or night, is almost certain to be taking his power nap.
 
One can but marvel at the effortless ease with which the Nation's Chauffeur avails himself of the slumber that Knits Up the Ravell'd Sleave of Care, and puts aside all troubling concern for the world--despite the common perception that it is going to hell in an Easter basket.
 
Contrast his somnolent insouciance with the less easy state of mind of other world leaders, particularly those on the United Nations Security Council, who until recently believed they had a deal with the U.S on the Iraqi Resolution (the Iraqis are very resolute, by the way).
 
Many heads of state now have concluded that American U.N. representatives were signing the document with one hand while firmly crossing the fingers of the other. And many are convinced that regardless of the particular direction events take, the skies over Baghdad will soon be as thick with hostile aircraft as flies around the picnic table.
 
How are we arrived at this signal moment? Or, to paraphrase former vice presidential candidate Admiral Stockwell: who are we, and why are we here? Do we propose to make hot war upon all Islam? Do we incline toward global hegemony? Is it our purpose to storm and crash and wreck the world?
 
Heck no.
 
It's just that...well, you see, with us it's all about freedom, you dig? We're crazy 'bout that freedom and just can't get enough. If you were to ask us, "How's about another helping of freedom?" we'd speak right up, "Yessir!" we'd say, "But make ours a double!" See, we love freedom just an awful lot.
 
And we have so much of it, too. So much, in fact, that if we were to lose some we probably wouldn't even notice until it was mostly all gone.
 
You might say our cup runneth over with freedom, and now we are preparing to spill a little of it on the rest of the world.
 
So they can be as happy as we.
 
"Ah, but what is this freedom?" we imagine we hear you asking--something that is worrying our doctors more than a little.
 
In our year of crisis, 1941, Franklin Delano Roosevelt--a great and beloved leader who overcame a profound handicap--that of being a Democrat--went before Congress and articulated "The Four Freedoms," a foundation upon which he hoped to establish global peace and harmony.
 
Now, in another time of crisis (we seem to have a lot of them, don't we?) we are in the hands of another great and beloved leader who articulates five freedoms, that are somewhat more appropriate to the world we have gotten ourselves into:
 
 
FREEDOM OF RELIGION: as everyone knows, a nation that turns its back on God is going straight to hell. Europe didn't need any so-called "Separation of Church and State," and look how well things turned out for them. Real Americans go to church--whether they want to or not. And they don't even have to be Christian, although God would prefer it that way because it keeps everything in the family.
 
FREEDOM FROM INTERFERENCE: True Americans insist that their government be free to do whatever it thinks is best, without having to take a lot of crap from liberals and subversives. People who criticize America get us so steamed that it makes us want to tell them to just shut up. Foreign critics of America should look to their own flaws, which they've got plenty of, believe us; and American malcontents should go start their own country--and then come back and tell us how easy that was...not!
 
FREEDOM OF HEARING: All Americans have the right to listen to their government and do as they're told.
 
FREEDOM OF RESOURCES: Americans have the right to pursue the American dream wherever it may lead-- usually to foreign oil fields and rainforests. This means that we may at times take more than our share of the world's resources, but that's okay, because we also use more of them.
 
FREEDOM FROM FEAR: we have nothing to fear but fear itself, which, it turns out, is more than sufficient. Americans have the right to live without fear. It's enough that we have both Trent Lott and Anna Nicole; we don't need to go around having the pants scared off us every day too. America is resolved to take all necessary measures to keep our pants on--even though there may be some collateral damage.
 
 
As Americans we must keep these five precepts before us at all times--remembering now and then to glance down to be sure we don't step in anything.
 
So, be on guard, fellow Freedom Fighters. Keep watching the skies. But don't take any pictures of railroad trains, or it's the slammer for you for sure!
 
Until next week, if you're still here, cheerio!