This past Sunday we were gathered in the Chez W parlor, making out sympathy cards for Senior White House leakers Karl Rove and I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. As we penned our worried condolences we watched the morning lineup of "public affairs" programs as one after another liberal propagandist calumniated our stalwart President and called his brave retainers out of their names.
 
We watched and we collectively sighed in remembrance of those halcyon days at the beginning of the Iraq war, when the name "Bush" was murmured upon the land like a prayer and the Dixie Chicks were reviled by all who knew the name of America.
 
And as so often happens, the thought of Karl and the Scoot instantly brought to mind the immortals: Joe Goebbels, Hank Himmler, the recently departed Leni Riefenstahl, and all the rest of that gang that sang that ol' Horst Wessel song. We shall not see their like again.
 
Unless, of course, as it now appears he will, Herr Arnold reigns triumphant in the Golden State. The pollsters tell us he is the man of the hour--or however long it takes for his administration to implode.
 
Just think, they used to poke fun at Arnold (perhaps "make fun of" would be the more judicious phrase). They said he had no future, but now it seems that tomorrow belongs to him.
 
Thoughts of California's coming 1000-year Reichstag bring us to our memoir of the last of the specters that shimmered before us during the summer interlude, and to today's topic, civil liberties.
 
Somewhere in the midst of the namby and pamby of liberal discourse, there has arisen a sentiment to the effect that government owes something to the people. Of course the exact opposite is true, but it never fails, you ask people to kick in a few bucks to defray expenses and right away they want to run the show. GROW UP PEOPLE! As we've said so often, if you don't like this government, go out and start one of your own!
 
It is inconceivable that a nation that has no problem accepting the existence of Santa Claus, Jack Frost and Orrin Hatch would have such difficulty understanding that John Ashcroft is doing his best to save America from the malcontent hordes who are just itching to get their hands on the steering wheel of a 747.
 
The hellishly difficult task of ensuring security is further complicated by the many almost deliberate oversights in the Constitution that, incredibly, protect the very people WHO ARE TRYING TO DESTROY AMERICA!
 
Mrs. Feeny just said something she thinks is clever.
 
The principal arrow in the resolute Attorney General's unquivering quiver is the USA PATRIOT Act, a somewhat contorted acronym for "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism." (Feeny, who evidently feels that she has missed her calling to the comic theater, says it stands for "Unconscionably Stifling Americans with Pathetic Attempts to Rein in Our Thinking").
 
The PATRIOT Act is a truly remarkable document--350 pages of breathtaking anal retention that makes democracy a whole new ball game. It was rushed through the congress, then virtually rewritten at the last moment by the White House, then passed and signed--all within 45 days of September 11th. To gain an accurate understanding of that accomplishment, try imagining God creating the universe in a single Sunday while battling a bad cold.
 
The Act is a creation of the Executive branch, and as such recognizes that America's true enemies are most likely to be found in the other two branches. Previous administration stratagems have already neutered the Legislature, and now PATRIOT promises to do the same for the Judiciary. In essence, the Act does away with the tiresome and time-consuming process ("Due") that unfairly required the Department of Justice to get judicial permission for every little wiretap or house-breaking it wanted to do.
 
Before the Act, practically anyone could just waltz into a library and check out any of the hundreds of how-to-books on domestic terrorism, explosives manufacture and homemade nuclear devices to be found in such abundance on its shelves. Patrons who availed themselves of library Internet facilities could quietly go look at even the ACLU's web site without anyone being the wiser.
 
Before the Act, outmoded concepts (i.e., "innocent until proven guilty") required law enforcement officials to treat suspects they already knew to be guilty as though they weren't. Moreover, the latter-day Bolsheviks couldn't be held in indefinite custody without specific charges being filed against them. They even had the right to speak to lawyers who were doing their damnedest to get them off!
 
And mind you, many of these miscreants belonged to groups the government knew in its heart to be terrorist organizations (again the ACLU leaps to mind), but was restrained from declaring as such by "Due Process," "Judicial Oversight," "The Rule of Law" and similar weak-kneed concepts. But now the government can slap a "terrorist" label on any organization it cares to.
 
PATRIOT and similar legislation proposed by the almost certainly mythical Mr. Hatch, have removed one of the most significant obstacles to law and order: the bar against arbitrary arrest and imprisonment of American citizens suspected of terrorist acts or sympathies. Now, just because some idiot magistrate ill-advisedly "naturalized" the foreign-born berserkers who are mere minutes from running amok down our avenues, doesn't mean our hands are tied. Soon any of us can be declared "Enemy Combatants," stripped of our citizenship and wrapped and mailed to Abu Dhabi, or some other place the hell away from here. That's right, soon "Love or leave it" will be more than a slogan, it will be policy!
 
And best of all, all of this is possible without tiresomely subjecting government officials to reveal or account for their actions. Now there, as Humpty Dumpty said, "is glory for you."
 
Unfortunately, a few Americans foolishly have regarded these prudent measures as the dawn of a new fascism. What's more, the big sillies have prevailed upon their legislative bodies in more than 160 local counties, cities and states to pass resolutions opposing PATRIOT and directing local officials not to comply with it. All of which is helping to fuel growing resentment and mistrust of the President. Oddly, Mr. Ashcroft seems to have underestimated the strength of this rapidly growing movement, further endangering the administration's reelection chances.
 
And to think, all of this happened, we can't help but feel, merely because we went away for a few measly months.
 
You can believe it: next summer we're going to think twice about taking a vacation.