This morning your W Team is recovering from an inordinately festive observance of the Autumnal Equinox. If witnesses are to be believed it would appear that at some point in the evening we strayed into the gray area that separates celebration from felony, and we'd like to take this opportunity to offer our most humble apologies to everyone-especially Mrs. Feeny. Also, due to the evident scope of our actions, we are presently drafting an open letter of contrition to appear in tomorrow's morning edition.
 
The night in question was capped by a strange coincidence. Uncertain as to the relevance of the police sirens in the streets below, and being at the time in a state of considerable disrepair, we retired to the entertainment room at Command Post W. The television was on but no one attempted to turn it off since by then even the slightest movement seemed unwise.
 
At some unknown hour the TV went black, save for a single spot of light, and a portentous voice intoned "Do not attempt to adjust your television set...sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear." In our hazy and rather liquid state of attention this at first appeared to be the long-anticipated edict from the Attorney General, but was soon revealed to be an episode of the Outer Limits program.
 
In the tale that unfolded before our nerveless and captive eyes a group of wealthy and powerful men concocted a scheme in which one of their number was transformed into a simulated space alien, replete with mock interstellar ship and sham weaponry. The idea being to so frighten the world that all nations would cease extramural hostilities to band together against a terrifying common enemy.
 
The following morning we awoke-perhaps "came to" would be more apt-to the President's announcement of the cleverly named "Bush Doctrine," a precept that, reduced to its essentials, posits that we can do whatever we want wherever we want whenever we want to whomever we please and hadn't nobody better say we can't.
 
Reduced to its essentials, that is.
 
Even in our enflanneled state it took no more than a moment to recognize that the President's plan had its origins in the very program we had just watched. The doctrine is clearly designed to stampede the world's nations into forming a coalition against a horrifying enemy-us.
 
The first test of the new doctrine is to be the invasion of Iraq, and perhaps in this you will see clear evidence of the President's stealth intellect--and stop asking us all those irritating and whiny questions. If the Bushes are stupid you can't prove it by us.
 
Witness the abiding genius of their breathtakingly long-range plan:
 
First, President Bush the First does everything he can to elevate Saddam Hussein to a level of menace sufficient to knock down.
 
Second, President Bush-Again formulates a plan of attack that has no clear goal or outcome, but that if successful would virtually guarantee pandemic Armageddon in the Middle East.
 
Third, Mr. Bush affects to pursue his plan in the face of growing domestic disapproval and roiling international opposition, even though such an action would be clear evidence of mental infirmity sufficient to require his immediate removal under the 25th Amendment.
 
But of course the President has no such intent, he's just trying to scare the pants off of us.
 
As proof that this is nothing more than a feint, note how skillfully the administration has undermined its own position: If any part of what they allege about Iraq is true no thinking nation or individual would have the slightest qualm about the invasion. So the entire military case rests upon whether or not one accepts their allegations. But-and here's the genius part--for the past year and a half the President and his administration have labored to make sure that no one could possibly believe a single word they say. Thus even if we weren't paying attention their case would fall apart under its own weight. As the President himself might say, ipso factoid.
 
Although, despite such tip-offs, the world presently seems a bit slow getting the joke, we have no doubt that the President's plan will succeed brilliantly. Under Mr. Bush's skillful goading the nations of the world will unite and once in harmony realize what a splendid trick the Master of Misdirection has played them. Then there will be embarrassed guffaws and great good will all around, and all humanity will be brothers-except for women, who will be sisters.
 
All in all a far better outcome than occurred in the Outer Limits story: the plan failed miserably and they succeeded only in creating a monster.
 
* * * * *
 
ANNOUNCEMENT: As all will know, the President isn't just some solitary doofus who's gotten himself into a terrific pickle. No, he's had lots of help. And we too would like to assist him in the forthcoming difficult hours of indecision. Accordingly, your W Team is moving, lock, stock and smooth bore to Washington D.C. to cheer the War Leader as he negotiates the perilous path he has dug for himself.
 
The logistics of our relocation are not inconsequential-the autographed photos of the President and vice-president alone fill about twenty book boxes. So we're going to take a brief hiatus while we set up in our new headquarters.
 
God willin' and the crick don't rise, we'll be back on October 23^rd with the thrilling story of how George Will saved America.
 
'Til then, Video Rangers...Abyssinia!
 
Hank