It was with joy approaching hysteria that we recently learned the Reverend Pat Robertson has once again clawed his way back onto the national agenda.
 
This is such great news! Just the other day we were mourning the coming political demise of conservative giants Dick Armey, Jesse Helms, Phil Gramm, J.C. Hayward and Bob Barr. And we are not ashamed to admit that we commemorated their departure with more than a few tears and sad songs (Fuhrertoten-lieder).
 
But, and in no way meaning to disparage those worthies, we must admit that even they did not always hew to the party line in forme essentielle. In a few cases they seemed almost in danger of straying rather close to the line that separates conservative thought from liberal chaos. But that's all in the past now that Pat's back. There's a new page a-turnin', a new book a-burnin', and now we're going to get what we have gradually come to deserve!
 
Pat (actually his real name is "Marion," but that's just a bit gender ambiguous, so he substituted "Pat") and his American Center for Law and Justice (they do both!), have come up with this simply nifty idea they call the Houses of Worship Political Speech Protection Act*. Wow! Huh? We mean, wow! How many loaded words can you get into one title? Do these guys know their business, or do these guys know their business?
 
And what will this new law do? Why, only put an end to the separation of church and state, that's all! In a stunning rebuke to Campaign Finance Reform, the proposed legislation rewrites federal tax statutes to allow religious institutions to use tax-exempt funds to support political candidates and lobbyists. And this little trail-breaker's prom date is the equally whimsical Bright-Line Act, dragged into the light of day by Illinois Republican Congressman Phil Crane, who keeps his brain shower-fresh by storing it in his refrigerator overnight.
 
At last, church and state, back together again! It makes us feel so sophisticated, so...so European!
 
Think what this will mean for your church (although the law technically applies to all religious institutions, it's actually meant only for churches, and only the right kinds of churches at that; so the others aren't really supposed to use it.) Now your church will be much more than a mere house of worship, it will be a Political Action Committee with God as its Treasurer! At last, after every other group has had its say, we too will have Freedom of Screech.
 
This visionary (in a William Blake-ish sort of way) effort reunites two of the most dazzling stars in the firmament of the religious right, as Jerry Falwell plays Sancho Panza to Pat's Don Quixote; two men who have already rendered signal service to America by informing us that the September 11th attacks were the fault of liberals and gays--two groups that pretty much account for everything that's wrong with America.
 
Jerry brought to light the terrorist Teletubbies' plot to turn our toddlers into deviants by exposing them to Tinky-Winky's prurient purse--just as the two and three year-olds were choosing their sexual orientations!
 
America is fortunate to have many men of Pat and Jerry's caliber--some of them not under restraints of any kind and thus eligible for public office. And now our churches will see to it that we elect every one of them! Yes! Every one!
 
The union of well-heeled churches with forward-thinking retrogressive political leadership will combine 21st century electoral expertise with 19th century moral sensibilities--and together they will scour the toilet of permissiveness with the bowl-brush of morality.
 
Just think of it! An America where everyone has a sense of place--and stays in it; where people don't adopt so-called "life-styles" just to annoy the rest of us; where women are once again pure and no longer put on display bodily parts previously known only to their husbands, plastic surgeons and ministers. Where we are no longer exposed to Briteny Spears' tummy, or Anna Nicole's...well, Briteny Spears' tummy is problem enough.
 
Once the tsunami of tax-free donations begins, even the smallest churches will devote themselves exclusively to their political agenda. Instead of wasting time on some far-off theoretical "salvation," they will achieve it immediately through the ballot box. Now it will be easy to rate your house of worship--the best churches will be those with the biggest donations. In effect the money-changers will be driven back into the temple!
 
Now at last we can take religion seriously. Divine authority is all well and good, but it pales in comparison to the respect engendered by bucketsful of those crisp green portraits.
 
Of course now churches will have to be federally regulated, and sermons and other homiletic presentations parsed for political content, but that is a relatively small matter and one well within the capabilities of the Department of Justice to monitor.
 
All in all, it will be a tremendously democratizing experience; introducing churchgoers and leaders to virtual armies of candidates, fund-raisers, political consultants, lobbyists, corporate CEOs, and other colorful folk.
 
Also, we will now see an explosion in the numbers of churches. As congregants learn that their collections have gone to support, let's say, Congressman such-and-such, they will promptly conclude that their minister is a horse's patoot who cannot put on his pants unaided, much less lead them to their final reward, and promptly create more amenable venues of worship.
 
It won't be long now. The two bills come up for a vote as soon as the House recess ends next week. Already nearly 130 legislators have signaled their support.
 
It's kind of amazing that such a profound change in our system could progress so far and so quickly with so little public scrutiny or comment. And It supports our contention that most of the truly significant changes in American life take place under our noses behind our backs--something that can only happen when you have your head up your--when you're not paying attention.
 
Stay tuned for news concerning our brand-new Church of W! Yes!
 
So, thanks Pat! Now, let's start passing those collection plates!
 
That's all for this week, Rangers. Until next time, keep out of trouble, and...say, hasn't that car been following you for an awfully long time?
 
Cheers,
Hank
 
*People for the American Way
 
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