This morning my wife and I sat at the breakfast table discussing why the "oomph" had gone out of our marriage.
 
"Well, don't blame me," she bridled, "I've done every damn thing it says in here," and she waggled a facsimile of our marriage vows in my face. She always has a copy nearby in case of disputes.
 
Eventually we succeeded in tracing our oomphless state back to the morning of May 17th, the day when same-sex marriage became legal in the state of Massachusetts. Or, depending upon one's perspective, the Day Civilization Ended--a date that could not have been more devastating had Klaatu and Gort suddenly appeared on the courthouse steps.
 
In all things of this sort there comes a defining moment, a tipping point when the gears of paradigm shift clank most loudly and the copybook of history is blotted beyond repair. And here I have in mind the Iliumite king as he exclaims "Oh, what a nifty horse! Bring it right in!" Or a fourth century Roman gatekeeper who reports to his Centurion, "Sir, there are an awful lot of Visigoths out there."
 
And now comes our turn, and the bitter aftermath looms clear. I picture in my mind--because that is where I keep the projector and screen--tumbleweeds blowing aimlessly about the empty streets of the steel and glass canyons of our once proud metropoli. I see the ragged remnants of the American Empire huddled around tribal fires struggling to regain the lost arts of baking bread and making electric toothbrushes.
 
This catastrophe has not come upon us unheralded. It was foretold by legions of fidgety Cassandras, from Alan Keyes--a man who never misses an opportunity to humiliate himself--to the apparently ubiquitous Ann Coulter, the woman who single-handedly put the lie to the foolish contention that the succubae were mythical.
 
And even such garden-variety pundits as my wife and I can read the leaves in this cup. As we watched the first wave of happy, similarly endowed couples emerging from their nuptials I said to my wife, "Well, there goes the marriage game."
 
"Yeah," She nodded, "It's been like, totally cheapened."
 
"This is the end" I cried, bolting from my chair. "From here on it's Katy bar the door! Before you know it you'll be seeing all manner of unholy combinations. You mark my words," I said wagging my finger an inch from her nose, "in no time at all the streets will be packed with interracial couples!"
 
"That's what we are," she said.
 
"Oh, yeah," I said, "I forgot."
 
She looked thoughtful. "Now that they've driven marriage to its knees," she said glumly, "I suppose it's just a matter of time before we see the divorce rate shoot up to fifty percent."
 
"That's where it is now," I said.
 
"Oh, yeah." She said, "I forgot."
 
"Still," she said, "This completely undermines getting hitched. Pretty soon marriage will be utterly trivialized, nothing more than a mindless pastime"
 
"Briteny," I said, "J.Lo," I added.
 
"Oh, yeah," she said.
 
"Y'know," she continued, " I'll bet an awful lot of children get born out of wedlock now."
 
"That's already happening too," I said, "Although I don't suppose all of that can be blamed on same-sex couples." I slammed my newspaper down in frustration. "Damn it!" I yelled, "What are they up to?"
 
"They won't get away with it," she assured, "This is an attack on everything decent Americans hold dear. We are not a people to turn a blind eye to immorality!"
 
"Paris Hilton," I said.
 
"Oh yeah," she said.
 
Nevertheless I agreed, "The blind fools! Don't they realize that the primary purpose of marriage is to produce children? Our society is all about children, that's why it spends most of its resources on our young."
 
"Actually," she said, "Our society spends most of its resources on weapons and tartar-control toothpaste"
 
"Oh, yeah," I said, "I forgot."
 
"What gets me," she continued, "is the sheer irresponsibility. They're acting as though marriage is only about being happy."
 
"Selfish bastards!" I cried, slamming my fist into my hand.
 
We've got to find a way to teach people that we weren't put on this earth just to have a good time!"
 
It occurred to me that marriage would be one surefire way to accomplish that, but this didn't seem the opportune moment to broach the thought.
 
Instead I nodded agreeably, "And our legislators have to put some teeth in our marriage laws! It's time we did something about all these anti-social non-parents!"
 
"Childless couples?" she offered.
 
"Divorce is their only responsible course." I replied
 
"Middle aged Couples who want to get married even though they're past childbearing age?"
 
"They can always be friends," I said primly.
 
"Seniors who want to exchange vows?" she said
 
"They should be ashamed of themselves!"
 
She thought for a moment. "Well," she said, "now that the connubial thing's down the crapper should we get a divorce?"
 
"What for?" I whined, "In no time at all half of them will be splitting up, and they'll have ruined that for us too!"
 
She was quiet for a time, then she snapped her fingers triumphantly. "I know! We'll have more children! Lots of them! Unlike the same-sexers, we don't even have to go out of the house to do it, we have everything we need right here!"
 
I imagined an unending succession of Lamaze classes, epidurals, potty training, arrogant adolescence, dented fenders and monstrous grocery bills. It was perfect. "Yeah!" I said with a savage grin, "Let's see 'em beat us at that!"