Well, now it's happened.
 
It seems that Saddam Hussein has somehow cottoned to our invasion plan. What's more, if he knows anything about American politics he's probably guessed that it'll happen some time in October.
 
Well, there goes the element of surprise.
 
Damn! Who tipped him? We're pretty sure it wasn't us.
 
This would have to happen, just when the President's popularity is defenestrating fast enough to qualify as a Winter Olympics event. And with the November elections just around the corner, too!
 
This is not good, this is not good at all. Without a war millions of thoughtless voters might go to the polls distracted by thoughts of the torpedoed economy and governmental complicity in ruinous business dealings.
 
How Selfish. it's all "Me," "Me," "Me," isn't it? But have the whiners given even a moment's thought to the anguish the President and Vice President must feel as they watch helplessly from their mansions while millions of us lose our life's savings? Those two guys are hurting, man -- where is the love?
 
And mid-October would have been such a splendid time for the invasion ("Operation Saved Bacon.") It certainly couldn't be much later than that; the end of the month is too close to the elections, and Halloween is too much to the point.
 
Well, there's two months left, maybe Saddam will forget.
 
Problem is the President is getting damn little cooperation from the public or the organizations that usually support him, and that's going to make it awfully difficult to trample the mouse of fanaticism with the elephant of freedom.
 
Take the military for example, very few in the upper echelons look with favor upon the invasion. Many are mystified by the whole idea and openly wonder what burr the President has up--
 
--wonder whatever could be on the President's mind.
 
Even within his own ranks the Luckless Leader searches in vain for consensus. When told of the White House's adamant assertion that Iraq was involved in the September 11th attacks, the FBI and CIA just giggle nervously and change the subject.
 
And now we have the FBI's ill-timed and wholly inconvenient interest in Dr. Steven Hatfill (that's two "L"s, as in Richard Jewell) and his possible role in last year's anthrax attacks -- which neatly undercuts the President's burgeoning attempt to place the blame on Iraq.
 
The President insists that Mr. Hatfill is not the real McCoy.
 
Even the White House's congressional allies, who normally delight in trouncing the kapok out of primitively-armed nations, are voicing grave doubts about this venture. And as if that weren't enough, we have Iraqi weapons expert Scott Ritter, speaking from his experience as former chief of the U.N. Inspections Team, to tell us that Iraq has no significant offensive capability, and will not have for some time to come. Nice team-effort, Scott.
 
Meanwhile, Saddam stubbornly refuses to do anything sufficiently evil to warrant our dropping in on him. It wouldn't have to be that much, for Pete's sake -- sneezing in the direction of Kuwait, for example, or misspelling "Tennessee" -- we'd take anything we could get. But no, he just lays low with that maddening mustachioed grin, not listening to a word we say. Although every now and then he gets a postcard from the Third Marine Expeditionary Force, saying "wish we were there."
 
It is entirely vexing to get all dressed up for a war only to find that the host has neglected to invite you.
 
On the positive side, our European allies' support for the invasion has risen dramatically and is now up to zero -- an improvement over past weeks when they were toying with the idea of coming into it on Iraq's side.
 
Well, we can't just call it off. Backing out now would mean paperwork like you wouldn't believe. The Marines have already started deploying in the region, and military munitions contractors have been ordered to accelerate production for a late September delivery.
 
The good news is thanks to our Afghanistan experience we are like, totally ready to do this puppy. It's eerie how much alike the two situations are.
 
Afghanistan: a stupefyingly fragmented society with a stone-age defensive capability wielded by an internecine clutch of tribal forces who hated each other as much or more than they did their common enemy, and whose fighters could not remember from week to week which side they were on.
 
Iraq: a modern nation headed by a single ruler with a clearly focused sense of mission, elite troops with sophisticated weapons acting under an integrated command, and having no significant internal opposition.
 
Whoa! Talk about your doppelganger! Just like Lucy in the mirror with Harpo!
 
But for us the best part is the contemplation of the Iraqi peoples' gratitude once we've liberated them. Just as we did in Afghanistan, America (with the assistance of a few countries whose names we can't recall just now) will bring them the sweet tintinnabulation of freedom's bell -- as soon as we're through hammering them like a gong.
 
And by then we will have ironed out the few remaining wrinkles in the Afghan operation. It is, at present, regrettable that President Karzai's grip on the reins of power seems to be loosening at the same time his popularity approaches that of a flea at the dog show. And that, understandably, he prefers being protected by U.S. troops rather than by his own bodyguards. And that just as his nation seems in danger of slipping back into civil war, come reports that the Al Quaeda (semi-eradicated) is gathering on the border for a massive retaliatory onslaught.
 
Well who said there wouldn't be problems? But at least now they can listen to Springsteen whenever they like!
 
Anyway, once the fleet embarks, all of those smart-mouth comics will have to clam up. As they say, "Loosed ships shrink quips."

 
Well, we see by the old clock on the wall that it's mid-August, and time to be moseyin' along to next week. In the meantime, try to have a little sympathy for our nation's new immigrants, won't you?. It seems so unfair that they should arrive just as America is leaving.
 
Adieu, amigos,
 
Hank
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