Now from the Pacific Northwest comes word of a thrilling new chapter in American homeland security!
 
Exciting! Yes!
 
From published reports we learn that the FBI has for the past several years been conducting a quiet and expanding program of surveillance of African American Muslims -- all African American Muslims, not just the smaller Nation of Islam headed by controversial Gruppenfuhrer Louis Farrakhan.
 
Suspicion falls most heavily on the black Muslim community for two excellent reasons: first, they tend to be critical of America's rumored Middle East policy, and second...they're black.
 
How much more does an alert law enforcement agency need?
 
The Bureau's attentions are currently focused on the activities of black Islamic groups in Seattle and rural Oregon where the presumed insurrectionists have cleverly hidden themselves among the 99.99% white population. But alert special agents have found them anyway.
 
This operation comes not a moment too soon. Agents have unearthed a plot to adulterate the nation's water supplies with packets of, it appears, hot chocolate -- often used to mask toxic substances in many murder mysteries; and massive quantities -- well in excess of ten envelopes -- of deadly "Flavor-Aid" -- the agent used to poison hundreds in the Jonestown massacre!
 
Scary! Yes!
 
This news harkens...that is to say, calls to mind happier, simpler times. As we strolled the halls of Congress this week, our hearts were warmed to see that special light rekindled in the faces of Southern legislators who had relinquished all hope of America returning to its militant Eurocentric roots. Representative Tom DeLay, for example, spent all of Monday afternoon quietly rocking back and forth while hugging his overseer's whip and softly humming "Ol' Black Joe."
 
And law enforcement and military organizations are everywhere overjoyed because, while they have not the faintest clue as to the whereabouts of the Al Qaeda, they always know exactly where America's black people are. Every minute of the day.
 
There remains but one thorny problem. It is not easy to tell good black people ("non-troublemakers") from bad black people ("troublemakers.") The solution, of course, lies in the reinstitution of the protective detention policy so successfully applied to Japanese Americans during World War II. It made loyalty irrelevant and was really for their own good! Yes!
 
For that matter, it might be a good idea, while we're at it, to again lock up the Japanese on the grounds that the threat they pose now is pretty much the same as it was then.
 
In fact, when you think about it, if we want to make America really safe, there are lots of people we should be locking up -- apply here for a full list. Or you may have a Congressional Directory of your own.
 
To forestall the inevitable whining about "racial profiling," from civil libertarians and other unstable elements, the Chief of the Seattle FBI has issued this statement:
 
"It's not the policy of the FBI to investigate mosques or any other religious institution. Any investigations that the FBI may be conducting would be based on the actions of individuals and not their religion, national origin, race, or any other such characteristics,"
 
Immediately after making these remarks the Chief was struck by a bolt of lightning.
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These days, It seems, one finds evidence of subversion everywhere. This week the Supreme Court of -- wouldn't you know it --California has ruled that cultivators or users of marijuana may be immune from prosecution merely because they suffer from "crippling pain" (we are making air-quotes here).or happen to have a "prescription" from their "doctor."
 
It seems the wimping of America is now complete.
 
The "court" (air-quotes again) ruling arises in the context of the overturned conviction of a blind diabetic who cited the above flimsy indicia as a reason for growing this pernicious precursor to perdition. It also appears the sneaky felon masked his activities by growing the wicked plants in his front yard, in plain sight, where no alert law enforcement officer would ever think to look. That tactic alone afforded the dope fiend several additional months of unlawful alleviation of pain .
 
What are these judge guys smoking? Haven't they read the scientific evidence -- abundantly accessible in many conservative journals and newspapers -- proving that marijuana is highly addictive? They have only to review the tragic situation of our own President, who may or may not have almost thought of deciding to consider perhaps one day experimenting with certain substances, and is still struggling to recover full use of whatever faculties remain available to him.
 
Even we -- staunch supporters of the states' right to believe whatever we believe in -- nevertheless wonder if it isn't time for the government to take a hand in this. The whole thing has us so upset we had to have two whiskey sours this morning.
 
Speaking of barrels of fun, be sure to read this week's spotlight on the boys and girls at Camp Potomac. In "The Usual Suspects," our hero and namesake becomes the unwitting target of a new homeland security program.
 
Oh, and this conservation note: several manufacturers of toilet paper products have announced steep price increases, so hang onto those stock options!
 
So long, we're looking forward to next week, which is where we almost always find it.
 
Hank
 
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Say, America, listen to these words from Mrs. Eudelphia C. Cottonwood, a 35 year-old housewife from Nothingmore, OH: "My life was once as dull and drab as the faded dress I wore everyday for fifteen years. But then I done two simple things that perked me up considerable: first, I shot my husband; and second I signed up for 'W,' the happenin' journal of political disputation. Now I am a "with-it" gal. Thanks, 'W'!"