As part of our mandate to follow science wherever it's foul fragrance leads, your W Team has had recent occasion to visit the manufactory in which the White House is currently cobbling together the new Department of Homeland Security. The process was truly awe-inspiring. We trembled from the initial bolt of lightning to the moment when the quickened corpse stirred, arose and lurched from the laboratory table. And we clung each to each for comfort as future Secretary Tom Ridge fell back, eyes wide in triumphant terror and cried out: "IT'S ALIIIIVE! IT'S ALIIIIVE!"
 
Next step: getting the monster fixed up. We understand that out-of-the-loop EPA Administrator Christie Todd Whitman has received the nuptial nod and is having her hair specially frosted for the ceremony. It should be a scream.
 
Penetrating ever more deeply into the weird: recent news stories report that Australian scientists intend to clone extinct creatures from preserved DNA specimens. Researchers propose to begin by replicating the presumably obliviated Tasmanian Tiger, despite vocal skepticism and objections (Hold that tiger! Hold that tiger!)
 
The words "extinct" and "preserved" being natural attractants for Republican conservatives, the Department of Justice has commissioned a project that seeks to reconstitute famed deceased legislator, Senator Joseph R. McCarthy.
 
Hurrah! If ever we needed him, we need him now. In this era of generic suspicion and abridged civil rights, who would be more appropriate to the burgeoning national zeitgeist than the Wisconsin Way-layer, the Godfather of Innuendo, the Malicious Maven of Political Mayhem, the Roughshod Horseman of the American Apocalypse? Who? Nobody, that's who.
 
Insiders tell us that DOJ scientists, working closely with the bemused staff of the Honk Bleakly Institute for Antiquarian Recombinance have succeeded in recovering McCarthic epithelial cells from fingerprints on the thousands of subpoenas issued to suspected thinkers of the 950s. They are confident of achieving a full McCarthy in the next few weeks.
 
Gosh, it'll be great to see the old Tail-Gunner again! He's the perfect guy to track down the 1000 known terrorists currently plotting against us. And you betcha Senator Joe will get all 1500 of 'em, and that means 2000 fewer enemies of freedom!
 
Apparently we're not alone in our excitement. According to a recent poll of the U.S. Congress, all 200 Senators are similarly thrilled at the prospect of his return.
 
Fleeing from the dank walls of the laboratory, we announce with trepidation and pride the initiation of a new occasional feature: Tales of the Luncheonette. This week's Blue Plate Special is "Where the Truth Lies," a well-seasoned tale of philosophy and conflict.
 
And yo! we are, like totally bummed about our star-crossed animal husbandry effort. This year, as for each of the past five, we carefully scattered birdseed all over the W Team lawn. And as they have each of the past five years, the damned birds came down and ate all of it! So once again we have no bird crop to show for our work. Frankly, we're getting fed up, and if they do it again next year we just might abandon the effort. Let them raise their own damned birds.
 
A little ticked,
 
Hank
 
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