The Ides of June once again have us by the throat! And there are evil omens a-plenty, let us tell you! It's almost more than your W Team can do to keep up with all of the charges and counter-charges administration members are leveling at each other about the...well, let's call it a slight miscount of Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction. Before the war we were certain there would be thousands of them, but it turns out we won't have to count that high.
 
It's always a bad sign when good solid neo-conservatives are reduced to attacking their own kind--it's a violation of the natural order--rather like watching piranhas eat each other.
 
We don't suppose there'll much trouble finding the guilty party or parties, though. Mark our words.
It'll turn out to be Colin or Condoleezza--which is fortunate because they've both spent so much time defending the President and the administration that a little more lost credibility will hardly be missed.
 
But what we want to know is, what's the big deal with WMDs, anyway, huh? It's clear we had to invade Iraq, just look at all those people Saddam killed--especially the ones he killed because of our invasion. Well! If that weren't a reason for an unprovoked and illegal invasion of a sovereign nation we'd like to have someone tell us what was! Sit down, France.
 
Besides, no other nation is treating its people badly, and it would have been a shame to leave Iraq sticking out like a sore thumb.
 
Of course, it wouldn't be a good idea for just anyone to go around attacking countries willy-nilly. That's why we're sponsoring a resolution declaring that preemptive attacks can only be launched by world superpowers--whoever they or it happen to be.
 
Naturally, all this fuss over a few misplaced infernal engines is playing right into the hands of the resident thorn in our paw, Mrs. Feeny, who, if she were sitting in the middle of a band, would be singing a capella.
 
The good news though is that the Ides of June signal the end of the school year, which at least temporarily puts an end to the fearsome old prune's odious writing class essays. In recent weeks these have, If you can believe it, gotten even worse and ever more suggestive of creeping liberalism.
 
Here's an example of what we've had to endure:
 
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The Story of America
by C. Feeny
 
Who America Was
America was a rich and handsome man, or a rich and beautiful woman--whichever. It really doesn't matter because he or she isn't that way any more.
 
America in the City
One day America went walking in the city. Then a plane fell on him and made him a Changed Man. After that he never looked at anything but the sky again--until the day he stepped into an open manhole and fell into the sewer. When he came up he was an even more Changed Man.
 
America at the Dress Shop
America is at the dress shop trying on a new dress made especially for her. It is very stylish even though it doesn't fit quite right--nevertheless she thinks it makes her look very lovely, and she hurries out into the street to be complimented. But there are no compliments. Instead the people laugh with their teeth behind their hands, It is the ugliest dress they have ever seen.
 
America and the Visitors
America lives in a very large house, and always has a lot of visitors whom he secretly loathes because he believes them to be responsible for the plane that fell on him and made him a Changed Man.
 
America has thought of ways to make his visitors to leave. He does this by short-sheeting their beds or putting poison in their food--whatever works. After a while the visitors tire of sleeping on their blankets and falling dead into their soup, and they leave.
 
America and His Children
America has purchased a new wallet. Included in the wallet is a picture of several smiling children. In the picture the children are well-fed, and happy. America doesn't spend much time looking at pictures of his real children because many of them are not smiling and happy and they depress him.
 
America has made up names for the wallet-children and pretends they are his own. He tells everyone about their clever sayings and bright futures. America does not carry pictures of his real children.
 
America and the Weed of Crime
America has lots of bad people in her neighborhood, so she builds lots of places in which to put them. For a long time America has spent every weekend in her backyard building new places in which to put her bad people, until finally there weren't enough bad people to put in the places she had built. So she increased unemployment and hunger and made big criminals wealthy so that everyone stopped respecting the law, and now the jails are filling up again quite nicely.
 
America on the Beach
When America was a little boy at the beach the bigger boys would pick on him and kick sand in his face. Then America went to a health club and exercised every day until he was bigger and stronger than everyone else. Now he keeps in shape by jogging, weight lifting and kicking sand in little kids' faces.
 
America and the Future
Perhaps.
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You see? You see? That's where your education tax dollars have gone! Thank God we won't have to put up with that again until the fall.
 
Hank