We were recently thrilled to see Ward Connerly's name returned to our local newspaper. We found it in its accustomed place, nestled snugly between reports on highway fatalities and flesh-eating viruses.
 
It seems that the Munchkins' Coroner was mistaken, and that we saw someone else's feet sticking out under Dorothy's house.
 
Fans of Freudian Ego Displacement will experience a nostalgic twinge in recalling the black businessman who is the nation's foremost opponent of the affirmative action programs that were instrumental to his success. Apparently they are no longer needed.
 
Connerly achieved national prominence for his role in abolishing California's state university minority admissions program, and later for leading the successful effort to demolish government affirmative action programs in California and Washington State.
 
He has since founded the American Civil Rights Institute -- an ultra-conservative organization dedicated to stamping out affirmative action wherever it raises its ugly little head. His closest friends and business associates constitute a galaxy of conservative and far-right glitterati.
 
Mr. Connerly -- his friends call him "Ward" -- Mr. Connerly has labored long and hard to pull the ladder up after himself, and his efforts have been richly requited. He is the recipient of many honors, including being twice awarded the Vidkun Quisling Prize for Conspicuous Self-Loathing.
 
Curiously, despite his accomplishments, Connerly has not garnered widespread admiration from the African-American community -- possibly having to do with his preference for working in the house rather than the field.
 
Indeed, it is difficult to characterize his standing in a manner that is accurate and yet congruent with standards of online decency. However, some sense of the prevailing sentiment may be found in the observation that, if by some regrettable mischance Mr. Connerly were to fall through an open manhole, the rats would have a new king.
 
Fortunately, no one aspiring to paint an accurate picture of Mr. Connerly need fear prosecution for character assassination for the same reason that one cannot be convicted of killing Santa Claus.
 
For his present chef d'oeuvre, Mr. Connerly has chosen to fertilize the garden of public policy with a California ballot measure known as the "RPI," or Racial Privacy Initiative.
 
(Admit it, you cynical things thought the "P" stood for "Purity," didn't you?)
 
The proposed legislation -- summarized to fit precisely within a nutshell -- would ban all California state and local government collection of racial statistics of any kind for any purpose. This would include such areas as education, law enforcement and employment. By Connerly's lights this will end the practice of forcing people into "racial boxes" and ensure a "colorblind society," or, at least, a blind society of some kind. The plan has been warmly endorsed by even such as columnist George Will, one of the finest minds of the 19th century.
 
But, and you will scarcely credit this, there are those who are darkly suspicious -- sorry, very suspicious -- of the plan, and see it as another of Connerly's attempts to obscure evidence of racial discrimination.
 
Others merely believe that he is a few feet short of a marathon.
 
But we beg to differ with both. Mr. Connerly has once again courageously articulated the sort of idea that so rarely emerges from the non-institutionalized sector. Our only regret is that he has not seen his idea through to its logical conclusion -- taken, if you will, his trolley to the end of the line.
 
Obviously, racial privacy is not feasible as long as minorities' physical differences remain on public display where everyone can see -- or, as may happen, chase after -- them. We urge adoption of an amendment that requires everyone to wear a paper bag over his or her head, and where necessary, his or her hands and/or feet. We are certain this will eradicate racial discrimination practically overnight.
 
Further, since racial minorities are the most affected, we propose that they be the first to receive the bags. Then, if after a suitable period the idea proves feasible, everyone else would start wearing them. As a reward for their pioneering assistance, minorities will be allowed to keep their original bags free of charge.
 
You know, it's truly inspiring to see the kind of ideas that emerge from good will and plain old-fashioned American thinking.
 
                   *      *      *      *      *      
 
For a different view of FantasyLand, be sure to see "One more slip on the Yellow-Brick Road," in which the reminiscent Thane of Caution speculates on the value of constancy.
 
Oh, before we forget, Gerhard Schroeder wants everyone to know that the reports of his dyeing have been greatly exaggerated.
 
Finally, this policy statement: we are not about to sign onto the current hysteria concerning an alleged increase in monopolistic concentrations of media ownership -- particularly that bemoaning the demise of multiple newspapers in major cities. We've always felt that one source of misinformation is enough.
 
So, until next week, when we will no doubt think of this week as the Good Old Days,
 
Hank