Your W Team: on top of breaking news before it's even cracked. Our Department of Legal Intelligence (yes, yes, very funny) has acquired details of former Enron CEO Ken Lay's latest legal strategy.
 
In a ground-breaking tactical maneuver the embattled erstwhile Prince of Power will drop his assertion of Fifth Amendment rights if congressional investigators address his concerns regarding the fairness of legislative hearings.
 
Citing what he terms "a pronounced anti-Enron bias" on the part of some investigators, Mr. Lay is requesting veto power over the composition of several Senate and House Subcommittees. He is particularly concerned about the impanelment of Democrats, who, he says, "Have always had it in for me." Unless these legislators are removed, Lay says, "It will not be possible to continue with the inquiry."
 
The doughty corporate exec also reserves the right to determine which witnesses and documents will be admitted into evidence, and demands assurances that the panel will limit its activities solely to fact finding without drawing conclusions. Mr. Lay also insists that all witnesses, particularly himself, receive total immunity in return for their testimony, and that investigative staff be expanded to include oil and energy executives who, he says, "can be trusted to place and discovered abuses in an appropriate business context."
 
And, in a final coup de grace, Mr. Lay, citing a concern for prosecutorial balance, insists that the scope of the inquiry be broadened to include the contributory culpability of defrauded Enron clients and staff, saying "They've probably done plenty of bad stuff themselves"
 
This is why we have such admiration for Mr. Lay. Who else but he could have thought of such a strategy? How does he come up with this stuff? Talk about chutzpah!
 
In a related story, the New York Fire Department has rejected the centuries-old supposition of a link between smoke and fire. The celebrated ash-eaters announced that henceforth they will only dispatch fire trucks on confirmation of actual flames. Said one official: "Just because it waddles and quacks don't mean it ain't a mongoose."
 
And, speaking of frustrating investigations: the bewitched, bothered and bewildered holder of the phantom mandate attempts to untangle some knotty issues in this week's Stream of Unconscious, "Warrin' Piece."
 
On the international front, the United States, The United Nations, Russia and the European Union have announced an international Middle East peace conference to be held sometime in June. No concrete details are yet available, other than the fact that no one with actual decision-making authority will be in attendance. But conference planners have agreed on two key goals:
 
    1. To announce a peace conference.
    2. Whatever.
 
And finally, the President has adopted a policy of semi-staunch, every-now-and-then firm support for Israel in hopes of bringing more Jewish voters into "The Big Tent." As BushWatch.com and others have noted, this represents something of a conversion for Mr. Bush, who, in 1993 stated his belief that the mere fact of their faith condemned Jews to hell. That simple but heartfelt conviction was again referenced during his presidential campaign, when he joked about going to Israel to warn them of their impending incendiary afterlife.
 
As usual, a few carping critics found his comments troubling, citing his grandfather's financial support of Adolf Hitler, the discovery of a number of Nazi sympathizers in his father's campaign organization, and so on. Anything to make the man look bad.
 
Sprinting, for the moment, past the thorny question of the President's own admissibility to the Starry Realm, we are drawn to consideration of the source of his recent revelation. Some have likened his epiphany to that of Saul on the road to Damascus. But we think it more likely due to a sudden vision of a Burning Bush.
 
Today's inspirational thought: everything happens for the best. Of course if you're not the best then you've got a problem.
 
And here's some plugola: rush to your nearest fine magazine stand, or go to the web site of the inestimable Journal of the Blue Planet for news of my upcoming interplanetary journey in "It's Mars for Me."
 
That's all until next week, when we'll be back with more reasons why you should have stayed in bed.
 
Hank