Shortly after the September 11th Attack, the President grasped John Ashcroft by his figurative lapels and urged him to not "let anything like this happen again." The Attorney General, whom we must number among the most literal of men, responded in typical fashion: by placing America under protective custody.
 
This shouldn't be considered strange, given that in his college football days, whenever Mr. Ashcroft received the ball, he would keep it safe from the opposing team by rending it to shreds beneath his cleat-ed feet.
 
This time, however, his steel-shod tootsies were cast in the form of the wonderfully named "USA PATRIOT Act, which de-acronymizes to "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism."
 
The "appropriate tools" in essence strip Americans of significant numbers of rights previously thought inviolable. That such legislation could even be proposed, let alone passed, hints at a level of national incompetence that calls into question our ability to cross busy street corners without a nurse.
 
In that light I wrote "Simple John," a cautionary essay so uncomplicated that, I believed at the time, no one could fail to see the danger. The piece, published in Liberal Slant was written two weeks after the attack. Four weeks later the 350-page PATRIOT Act was passed--a legislative record that might tempt a cynical person to suspect that it had been awaiting just such an opportunity.
 
Now those same wonderful folks who brought you that legislation, as well as the current Iraqi war, are busily drafting the Domestic Security Enhancement Act--familiarly known as "Patriot II"--which removes those few inconvenient shreds of liberty that have survived the first act. In other words, the new act will continue in the great tradition of the old, and so I thought it not amiss to reissue my original warning.
 
 
                    Simple John
 
John Ashcroft has a plan.
 
John Ashcroft is a simple man, and his plan is simple also.
 
John Ashcroft 's plan is about freedom. Here is what John Ashcroft thinks about freedom:
 
John Ashcroft thinks freedom is a good thing. But that freedom is also a fragile thing. He thinks many do not treat freedom with respect. They drag it around with them everywhere they go. They use if for everything they do. Then freedom becomes worn out and un-shiny. Freedom gets messy.
 
Some are careless and leave freedom out where anyone can see it and use it for themselves, or keep it. Freedom can vanish overnight.
 
That is what John Ashcroft thinks about freedom. Here is John Ashcroft's plan:
 
John Ashcroft wants to put freedom on a shelf for a few days--or until the end of time. Whichever comes last. Then we could see freedom, but not touch it. Then it wouldn't get all messy, and bad people couldn't use it.
 
And neither could we.
 
Freedom is dangerous, and danger is not safe. When freedom is put away we will all be safe--at least from freedom.
 
That is John Ashcroft's plan. Here is what John Ashcroft will do with his plan:
 
If John Ashcroft does not like you, he will come into your home, even if you are not there -- especially if you are not there. Then John Ashcroft will take things from your home without telling you or anyone else. The things he takes will show everyone that you are a bad person. If you are not a bad person then John Ashcroft will have to look harder.
 
If John Ashcroft does not like you, he will turn on your computer and take copies of things he finds there. These things will show that you are a dangerous person because, if you were not a dangerous person, why would John Ashcroft be there? Your computer will let John Ashcroft do this because it is not as loyal as a dog.
 
These are the things John Ashcroft will do if he does not like you. There are many people whom John Ashcroft does not like, so he will be very busy.
 
John Ashcroft hates terrorists. Terrorists are people who do big bad things--or little bad things, John Ashcroft is not fussy about this, however it is defined is okay with him. Have you ever carried a protest sign? Perhaps you are a terrorist.
 
John Ashcroft wants you to be careful about the people you know. If you know someone who is a terrorist (however defined), John Ashcroft will be very disappointed with you. Then it will be too bad for you.
 
John Ashcroft wants to put the bad-people terrorists (however defined) in jail until they turn into good people, or die. Whichever. There is no need for trials. Guilty people don't need trials. Trials make things not simple.
 
John Ashcroft is telling his plan to Congress. Congress is very, very scared. Just like the rest of us. Congress is listening very hard to John Ashcroft's plan. Soon it will be Congress' plan as well.
 
It is a very simple plan. And John Ashcroft and Congress are very simple people--very simple.
 
If you think a shelf is not a good place for freedom, you could tell John Ashcroft and Congress that in a letter.
 
But make it simple.