Drum-roll, please: this year's winner of the Billy Graham Humanitarian Award is -- Billy Graham! The famed minister and advisor to Presidents has been self-awarded for his past predictions of the downfall of America due to Jewish influences. The award ceremony will be held at Temple Beth Shalom, where many in the congregation have expressed a keen desire to get close to the noted Reverend.
 
For the first time, this year's award was enlivened by a touch of suspense, inasmuch as Graham's son, Franklin, was thought to be a strong contender for his description of Islam as "wicked, violent and not of the same God." But the prize was ultimately awarded to the elder Graham on the grounds that, after all, the son had learned his theology at the father's knee. The Grahams prove that the family that preys together prays together, and in effect establishes a new trinity -- the father, the son and the wholly gross.
 
In this inspiring example of cross-generational ecumenism, the Grahams have adroitly distanced themselves from all sides of the current Middle-East conflict.
 
The President, however, has had to look to other sources for distraction.
 
In concentrating on the presumed dangers of Iraq, while not focusing on those of the Israeli-Palestinian war, Mr. Bush is placed in the interesting position of shouting alarm at the smoke rising from the house down the street as the one next door burns to the ground.
 
But the President's irresolution in Middle East political -- as opposed to military -- matters is readily explained. First, the President's thought processes have always been charmingly opaque, leading the casual observer to assume, in lieu of direct evidence, that there must be something behind them. Greater clarity carries the risk of anticlimax -- if that is the word we want in a Republican administration.
 
Secondly, the White House is experimenting with several novel Decision Support Technologies, three of which are at the final evaluation stage:
 
This week, in the conclusion of the Flackman hajj, the President flirts with several nightmares and ends up going home with one of them.
 
And this ecological note: Coast Guard officials report an infestation of the California coast by Hydroids, described as a variety of "spineless, brainless jellyfish" that travel upon the wind and, upon coming to earth, decompose with a foul odor. Marine biologists were quick to dismiss speculation that the Republican National Committee has been interviewing the deep-blue coelenterata, citing the improbability of wresting the nomination from a sitting President.
 
Finally, before we return to the mother-ship, this observation: blowing out the other guy's candle won't make yours shine any more brightly, but it sure as hell makes you a better target.
 
Hank