"W's slight of hand"
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
In a last-ditch effort that calls to mind the steely determination of such martial heroes as Sergeant York, The Fighting Rats of Tobruk and Anna Nicole Smith, the Bush administration has at last relinquished a portion of the long-sought energy task force papers.
The Natural Resources Defense Council and Judicial Watch had thought the papers would aid in determining the extent of the energy industry's influence over administration policies. Unfortunately the majority of the 11,000 documents so far released have been so obscured by Wite-Out that they now serve only to exemplify certain schools of minimalist painting.
Your W Team spent several days attempting to pierce the veil drawn over some of the more salient documents, and finally turned to our Energy department contacts for help in clarifying the redactions. Following is a portion of one of these, along with the agency's bracketed restorations of the original text:
VP Cheney: "C'mon, why don't ya? I got another meeting with those Sierra Club [fellows] at 10 O'clock"
Spence Abraham: "Are those sons of [the soil] still here? You ask me, we should line 'em all against a wall, and [invite them to dinner]."
Kenneth Lay: "Never mind all that. Listen, we've given you guys a hell of a lot of [public-spirited assistance] this year, and got [very little] for it. Now, either you [do something constructive] or get off the pot, or next time I'm gonna tell you to go [think things over] yourself."
Cheney: "Jesus, Kenny, how about a little break, will ya? I got that [fellow] Waxman pullin' my [arm] on one end, and you breakin' my [heart] on the other."
Abraham: "By the way, Kenny, We reviewed your proposed tax credit modification and found it unacceptable."
Lay: "Oh, yeah, and what the hell was wrong with it?"
Abraham: "It had two misplaced commas, but we corrected them, and sent it on to the President."
Cheney (chuckling): "yeah, wish I could be there when those [ill-favored Democrats] read it. Those [chaps] are gonna [experience mild consternation] a brick "
Lay: "Well, [ignore] 'em if they can't take a joke."
Spence Abraham: "Are those sons of [the soil] still here? You ask me, we should line 'em all against a wall, and [invite them to dinner]."
Kenneth Lay: "Never mind all that. Listen, we've given you guys a hell of a lot of [public-spirited assistance] this year, and got [very little] for it. Now, either you [do something constructive] or get off the pot, or next time I'm gonna tell you to go [think things over] yourself."
Cheney: "Jesus, Kenny, how about a little break, will ya? I got that [fellow] Waxman pullin' my [arm] on one end, and you breakin' my [heart] on the other."
Abraham: "By the way, Kenny, We reviewed your proposed tax credit modification and found it unacceptable."
Lay: "Oh, yeah, and what the hell was wrong with it?"
Abraham: "It had two misplaced commas, but we corrected them, and sent it on to the President."
Cheney (chuckling): "yeah, wish I could be there when those [ill-favored Democrats] read it. Those [chaps] are gonna [experience mild consternation] a brick "
Lay: "Well, [ignore] 'em if they can't take a joke."
This week we continue the Flackman saga. In part three, the Sage of the West Wing muses on the nature of dreams and nightmares, both of which conditions require the subject to be asleep, thus falling squarely into the President's area of expertise.
And this just in: the President, taking advantage of the Congressional recess, has appointed attorney Gerald Reynolds to head the Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights. Critics of the choice complain that the 38 year-old black Missourian has no convincing experience in either civil rights or education, and -- of greater concern to them -- has long been a vigorous opponent of preferential programs and civil rights enforcement.
Other seemingly appropriate but somehow controversial choices not yet announced include: Charles Manson to the United States Parole Commission; former Enron CEO, Jeffrey Skilling to the Securities and Exchange Commission; and former Physician Jack Kevorkian to The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine.
That's all for now, but before slamming the lid on this week's philosophical iron-maiden, we ask you to consider the fact that, to date, all of the winners of the Miss Universe contest have been Earth women. Sure sounds like Special Prosecutor time to us.
Hank
