(NPB theme music: establish and out)
 
FENTON
Time for National Public Broadcasting's (music up) "OPERATION ARMAGEDDON!" (Music under and out)
 
Good evening. This is Fenton Braunschweiger with continuing coverage of the war in Iraq.
 
Modern technology has erased the line that once separated the home front from the battlefront. The vicissitudes of life, death, victory and defeat can now be seen at home as quickly as they occur. This communications revolution, occurring in the context of our open society, has created an obvious mandate for the transparency of war reportage.
 
Stung by accusations that journalistic access was unduly restricted in the war in Afghanistan, the United States military command has adopted a more inclusive policy in the present conflict. Accredited journalists are now "embedded" in military units, and have become an important part of the military effort; a mutually beneficial arrangement, as journalists get unprecedented access to information, while the military is able to ensure the consistency of information before it reaches the public.
 
Moreover, the military has thoughtfully announced its intention to shoot down any satellites used to broadcast reports from unauthorized journalists, thus protecting its own reporters' "scoops."

NPB's Dewitt Spivey is presently embedded in such a unit, and is standing by to bring us up to date on the war.
 
Dewitt, I understand that for security reasons you can't disclose your location, but can you tell us what's it like where you are?
 
(Sound: heavy machinery, shots, shouting)
 
DEWITT
--lo, Fenton. Yes I'm standing by, go ahead.
 
FENTON
How are things out there, Dewitt?
 
DEWITT
Well, as you may know, Fenton, I'm in a location that for security reasons I can't disclose...
 
FENTON
Yes, we know. Go ahead, Dewitt.
 
DEWITT
...But I can tell you that this is a grim place, Fenton, a grim and craggy place, one that tests the mettle of even the most determined, hard-bitten soldier.
 
There's a great deal of activity right now, Fenton: smoke and dust are everywhere, as the machineries of war grind to their inexorable conclusion. All about us are the sounds of gunfire and far-off explosions. If there is a hell on earth, this would be--Oh, oh! Soldier down! Soldier down! Yes, a soldier only a few yards away has been hit. I can see him grimacing determinedly, his face hard-bitten and craggy with pain. It's not pretty, Fenton; it's not pretty at all.
 
FENTON
No, I should say not, Dewitt. What's the current military assessment so far?
 
DEWITT
That's a good question, Fenton, earlier this afternoon I had a lengthy interview with General Caution, and--
 
FENTON
I don't think I'm familiar with that officer, Dewitt--
 
DEWITT
Oh, that would be Major General Lemuel "Lemmy" Caution, Fenton. Every inch the soldier, with grim determination etched into every line of his hard-bitten craggy face.
 
FENTON
I see, and what's his assessment?
 
DEWITT
Well, he and the others on the General staff agree that our swift and merciless attack on Baghdad will result in tremendous collateral damage that will inevitably lead to massive civilian casualties.
 
FENTON
Is that in Baghdad alone, Dewitt, or throughout Iraq?
 
DEWITT
(Momentarily confused) Iraq? Oh, yeah, I suppose there'll be plenty in Iraq too--
 
FENTON
No, I--
 
DEWITT
--I mean, embedded like this, you kind of lose sight of the overall--oh, wait a minute, Fenton, it looks like something's happening out there just over the berm...it looks sort of like...oh, my God! I think it is...yes, yes! It is, it's Tom Hanks!
 
FENTON
What? --
 
DEWITT
Yes, it's Tom Hanks, all right--no mistaking his hard-bitten, craggy face--oh, and wait, Fenton I think he's carrying Matt Damon!
 
FENTON
What? --
 
DEWITT
Yes, it is Matt, and he's also hard-bitten and craggy! And both men look determined, Fenton--grimly determined.
 
FENTON
(Silent for a moment, then quietly)...Dewitt?
 
DEWITT
Yes, Fenton?
 
FENTON
Dewitt, you aren't at the front at all, are you?
 
DEWITT
Wh--what do you mean, Fenton?
 
FENTON
I mean this is all just a sham, isn't it? You're nowhere near a battle, are you, Dewitt? You're watching "Saving Private Ryan" on TV.
 
DEWITT
I...I can't disclose my location for security reasons, Fenton--
 
FENTON
And there's no "Major General Lemmy Caution," is there, Dewitt, that's just a character from an old Jean-Luc Godard film, isn't it?
 
DEWITT
Aw, geez, Fen, I--
 
FENTON
What's more, you're not even in Iraq, are you, Dewitt? You're sitting down, watching TV and swilling drinks on the network's dime in someplace completely safe--probably some cushy hotel in Kuwait.
 
DEWITT
(Contrite pause) Well... actually it's Hollywood, Fen. The Army had some sort of clerical glitch at Division...but they're treating me real swell here, Fen, It's like one big party all day long, and they just can't do enough for me--they even help me write some of my stories, and I--
 
FENTON
(Shouting) DEWITT, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THEPROFESSION!
 
DEWITT
Aw, geez, Fen, you don't understand! You don't know what these military guys are like when you cross them--they are freakin' RUTHLESS, man! If you're not on the team you might as well be the freakin' enemy, man! I saw one guy--
 
FENTON
I DON'T CARE! You've completely turned your back on decades of journalistic principles and shamed us all. I doubt if you have even a shred of integrity left! And even worse, you've let your brother and sister journalists down. What do you think they would say if they could see you now?
 
DEWITT
(Ashamed) Gosh, Fen, I don't know, they're all down at the beach right now--but I could ask them when they get back!
 
FENTON
What--
 
DEWITT
You know, Fen, there's one thing that's been bothering me about this war--I mean like the bizarre way it developed; the improbable claims; the quiet, lunatic absurdity of it all--I mean, doesn't it all seem like something out of the old Bob and Ray Show?
 
FENTON
I have no earthly idea what you're talking about, Dewitt, and I'm too ashamed to continue. This would be a good time to say good night.
 
DEWITT
Aw, geez, Fen...good night
 
FENTON
Good night, Dewitt. And good night, America!
 
 
****
 
And good night to you, gentle reader. Until next time, this is Hank saying: "this is Hank saying: hang by your thumbs, and write if you get peace!"
 
Hank