The "election" is over. The corrupt and greedy again circumvent the peoples' will and weal. We watch, helpless, as a nation descends into shame and shambles. We shake our fists in impotent fury upon accounts of massive voter fraud, ballot-tampering, physical intimidation, poll closures, manipulated voter lists, and post hoc rules that serve only to still the voice of opposition. The presidential impostor seizes the reigns of power -- a cuckoo's egg in the nest of democracy. And across the hot land the heated thoughts of insurrection rise. And retribution prepares its moment in the sun.
 
We're speaking, of course, of Zimbabwe.
 
Why? Where'd you think we meant?
 
Speaking of cuckoos, adopting a military tactic apparently overlooked by von Clausewitz, the architects of the war on terror are presently and inexplicably employing United States aircraft to drop envelopes containing $100 bills and pictures of George Bush all over southern Afghanistan -- thus fulfilling ancient prophecies of mania from heaven.
 
Digging more deeply into this story, your W Team has discovered that the original plan called for bills with pictures of George Bush printed on them. The plan was scuttled when strategists realized that Afghanis would probably know that American money only bears the likenesses of Presidents.
 
Sadly, our own plans have gone awry as well. For some months we've been working with researchers at the Honk Bleakly Institute of Suspended Judgment, to perfect a method of two-way communication across the time barrier. Our initial test message, sent to inhabitants of the year 2000, reported that George W. Bush was now President, and that Rudolph Giuliani had received a knighthood and was now the most respected political figure in America.
 
The response, however, was garbled, appearing to be a question about LSD in our water supply.
 
Nevertheless we hazard a tiny peek into the future with the first installment of Flackman, in which the exhortatory Chief Executive journeys to fabled Madison Avenue in hopes of resuscitating the nation's flagging international image.
 
And this cautionary note: disregard the claims of so-called "astronomers" who assert that the universe is a dull beige, rather than the charming shade of turquoise we've come to know and loved over the eons. This transparent ploy is merely another phase of the United Parcel Service's current campaign extolling the virtues of "Brown."
 
Really, how stupid do they think we are?
 
Until next week, remember, there is nothing to fear but fear itself. And somehow that's enough.
 
Hank
 
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Oh, P.S. Today's Sweet Fancy Moses Is currently
featuring "Let's Take a Trip: Driving Around for the Hell of It," my searing
expose of the dangers of family travel
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