Spring's almost here! Soon the scent of campaign finance reform will fill the air!
 
We're so excited we can hardly stand it.
 
The new legislation will bring us trembling to the dawn of a wondrous new day. A day when Big Money and Big Politics are swept aside by the "Little People." A day when the power of the people is triumphant over the people of power. A day when "one person, one vote" is no longer an empty joke. A day of freedom and promise and hope.
 
And the best thing is, it will be brought to us by the Easter Bunny!
 
Speaking of mythical days, the nation recently awoke, one sunny Kafka morning, to discover that while we were all watching "West Wing" the actual President had created a standby government -- a national spare-tire to be used, one presumes, if the present ones blowout. A sensible precaution, given that the ones we're riding on now are starting to wear a little thin.
 
Apparently, the administration, having mastered the art of governing from a virtual cave, is now ready to try it from the real thing. Although the revelation to some extent clarifies the mystery of the vice president's frequent and prolonged disappearances, it sheds no additional light on rumors that he has become an unkempt recluse addicted to repeated viewings of "Ice Station Zebra."
 
Despite others' condemnation of the "shadow government," we applaud the President's embrace of Prudence (not to worry, they're just good friends). For, if one government is good, then surely two...
 
...and speaking of presidential caution, this January, in a speech on international trade the President asked "...How do we make sure people can find jobs as we head into the year 2000?"
 
Now you understand why we have such high regard for the man. While the rest of us just sailed blithely off into the year 2002, looking neither to the left nor to the right, the President refused to be stampeded into snap judgment. It is his wise and customary practice to wait a while to see how a new year pans out before committing himself to it.
 
In this week's searing exposé of "la vie politque" we discover why politics is such a dangerous game. Read the stirring vignette "All About Denny," and learn why it's a good idea to keep an eye or two on your understudy.
 
And this note of social protest: FREE THE ENRON THREE!!! Or five...or...twenty. Hundred? Thousand? Oh hell, let 'em all go!
 
See you next week, and remember, the smart money tonight is on Tanya in the third -- especially if she's carrying a little black bag.
 
Hank
 
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*** Literary Armageddon! "The Light That Failed," appearing in today's Opium Magazine, exhibits my vast knowledge of quantum physics, and further bolsters the case for the now-obvious decline of the written arts: