The brooding structure suffocates the horizon. Its sprawled minarets rise like dark prayers. A sudden stab of lightning pierces the canopy of night, briefly illuminating the tortured landscape below.
 
Within, the iniquitous disciples plot their pitch-black plans for the weaponry buried deep beneath the forbidding structure. The air is thick with insanity and roiled by the muttered gibberish of the mad: the, barely audible rant of the irascible, sociopath Donald; the shrill, lunatic giggle of the seemingly helium-addicted Mickey; and in some dim corner, the silent but palpable presence, the brooding, icy patience of the Dark King, Walt.
 
We refer of course to Disneyland! The entertainment facility is reputed to possess one of the world's largest private explosives collection. The inordinate ordnance supplies the famous park's nightly fireworks display, and is secured within a bunker supervised by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
 
This aspect of the Magic Kingdom recently came to light when ATF officials conducted a tour of the bunker for U.S. congressional staff. This exercise was intended, in some mysterious way, to familiarize the aides with similar facilities that might be encountered in the forthcoming festival of annihilation scheduled in Baghdad in the next few weeks, or days, or hours. This is a plan that is probably not as transparently ludicrous as it sounds, but, then again, it couldn't be.
 
The stopover at the mouseland munitions plant took place in the context of a broader interest in the Sunshine State's annual "Shot Show," a celebration of lethality wherein weapons-makers exhibit their latest wares.
 
One of the standout hits of the show was Smith & Wesson's "Model 500", a super-revolver that on it's own might well have had a decisive impact on the battle of El Alamein. One version of this weapon has a 10.5-inch barrel and weighs nearly six pounds. One intuits that later models will have optional treaded undercarriages and hardened steel turrets.
 
The Model 500 takes .50 caliber rounds or, in a pinch, bazooka shells, and like all of the items presented is--exhibitors' hands to God--only intended for use by hunters--very, very serious hunters. The Model 500 is a sports accessory that your average quarry would find difficult to resist. We'd like to see the squirrel that could stand up to one of these babies! KAPOW! BLOOIE! Squirrel all gone.
 
All of this recent interest in advanced boom-booms seems curiously well timed, as the nation prepares for PossibleWar (tm) with the former Mesopotamia.
 
It is said this will be the mother-in-law of all PossibleWars (tm), or, at least, of all aftermaths. The American strategy is rooted in the principle of "Rapid Dominance," or, more familiarly, "Shock & Awe," and derives from the theoretical work of Harlan Ullman, a military theorist and academic whose former students include Colin Powell.
 
Dr. Ullman's plan is, as these sorts of things go, pretty darned simple. He intends to scare the Iraqis to death, or at least, to make them wish they were dead. The Professor, a man we picture jumping up and down in his chair a lot, advises to pummel the city of Baghdad with a minimum of 800 Cruise missiles in the first 48 hours of the PossibleWar (tm.
 
(Quick, fans of "The Count," how many missiles is that an hour? THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT, KIDDIES! 15! 15 MISSILES PER HOUR! Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!)
 
Such an attack would instantly take out all significant military targets and infrastructure, depriving Baghdad not only of any viable military response, but all food, water, light, power, transportation and medical facilities as well. In addition, Dr. Ullman, who as a child really should have received more attention from his mother, also proposes the creation and deployment of electromagnetic devices powerful enough to inhibit human neurological function. He also advocates the use of certain classes of tactical nuclear weapons in or near the city of Baghdad.
 
We have no photograph of Dr. Ullman to hand, but we're almost certain he's a curly-headed man with bottle-thick tinted glasses, a leather-gloved right hand and an arm with a mind of its own.
 
And we no longer believe all those puppies died natural deaths.
 
The number of persons that would be affected by this inarguably thorough course of action is a matter of some controversy, lying somewhere between ten million and everyone in the world.
 
American officials are understandably reluctant to expand upon this point, but one indirect indicator of the PossibleWar's (tm) outcome may be found in the UN's preparations for what they have termed "a human disaster of unparalleled dimensions (those people always talk that way, they just can't help it). The organization is preparing to deal with 500,000 direct casualties, three million at risk of starvation--two million of whom would be children under five years of age, 900,000 refugees, and two million left homeless.
 
Numbers, numbers, numbers! We bet it's not even half that many!
 
But enough of the downside, the real question is what do we get for all this (other peoples') suffering? And the answer is...THE JACKPOT, BABY!
 
Here's the scenario developed by American military planners--all of whom, by the way, vote and drive gasoline powered vehicles on the same streets as you:
 
1. First we toast Saddam--literally.
 
2. Second, Iran falls to a coup driven by a coalition of radical students and moderate clergy, all of whom by that time are so crazy about us they can't hardly stand it.
 
3. Next, a new and better (that is to say Americanized) Iran withdraws its support for international terrorism, renounces its nuclear ambitions, and starts building a Starbuck's on every street corner,
 
4. Then, surrounded by American allies, client states and recent converts, Syria, recognizing that it is now totally isolated, will cease all support for Israel's most virulent enemies and become an American-style democracy.
 
5. At that point America will have all the oil we ever dreamed of, and will be filling our Ford Explorers for somewhere in the neighborhood of $2.75. Whereupon Saudi Arabia's influence over us will be zeroed, and they too will be forced to turn their backs on former client terrorists, and join the International Lion's Clubs.
 
6. Finally, with no extant support the Palestinian Authority will be forced to abandon terrorism as a policy of state. Worldwide terrorism will be snuffed out and Israel will live in eternal peace with its neigh--
 
Look, you can either go right on laughing like hyenas, or you can hear us out; it's your choice!
 
As inevitable as this outcome seems, one is, perhaps perversely, tempted towards contrary speculation. Suppose, for example that the Islamic world, stunned by the recent eradication of half a million of its fellow believers stumbles along the road to emulation of the political system that wiped them out. Then too, there are always one or two soreheads.
 
As we know, American democracy practically sells itself, but one wonders if in this case the "product", as it were, might not benefit from better positioning, or the inclusion of a little something extra--a catchy jingle, say, or a celebrity endorsement.
 
Either way, time will, as time so often does, tell. But just to be on the safe side it might be prudent to ask ourselves whether American war planners might not have taken up residence in one of the suburbs of the Magical Kingdom--possibly Fantasyland. There they would be with Mickey and Donald, and Thumper and Bambi...
 
...And, especially, Goofy.
 

So long 'til next time, and remember, a dream is a wish your heart makes. Now, if your heart is a multimillionaire you've got it made.

Hank