In remarks made during his recent trip to Japan, the President premiered a visionary reconception of our two nations' joint history. In his address before the Japanese national legislature, the Chief Executive said:
 
"...for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times. From that alliance has come an era of peace in the Pacific."
 
Public reaction to his statement was mixed. A certain proportion -- no more than 99% -- felt it to be at odds with the common recollection. Some pointed to the fact that the alliance was initiated by Commodore Perry's 1853 arrival at Edo Bay accompanied by a small armada of 150-ton warships. Others fretted that more diligent research might have yielded some mention of the Second World War, when relations were at a lower ebb.
 
But we cry "Hold! Enough!" to such nay-saying. The President is to be commended for his imaginative -- perhaps "breathtaking" is the better word -- optimistic reconstruction. And we excitedly await his sunny expansion on similar topics. For example: our unbroken century of cooperation with the nations of Germany and Italy; our forty decades of mutual benefit and harmony with our Native American nations; the two hundred years of peace and fraternity among these united states; and our three hundred and fifty years-long resident-work-study program for African peoples.
 
Game point to Mr. Bush! Never has a national leader left us in such awe. From any perspective he is a wonder.
 
Meanwhile, back on this side of the ocean: As the Enron ship of commerce continues its swift and inexorable slide into the waters of oblivion, there has been a noticeable decrease in its vermin population. Scores of natatorial rodentia have been observed frantically breaststroking toward the shores of immunity.
 
In tiny gold life jackets.
 
And immediately upon landfall they will, as is common to their kind, rat each other out.
 
And while on that subject, we note that Jesse Helms, Paleolithic senior senator from North Carolina, in what seems a stunning rejection of his presumed constituency, now seeks to exclude laboratory rats and mice from the protections of the Animal Welfare Act.
 
The rodents have been eloquent in their expressions of disappointment and betrayal. Complained one, "They always forget their roots..."
 
This week's chef-d'oeuvre harks back to the days when men were men and women had to put up with it. In "Gunfighters of the Purple Phrase," a borderline courageous lawman elects the better part of valor.
 
Next week we present a few helpful tips for bewildered residents of our swiftly-changing society. Be sure to read "Fun with Your New Country."
 
And finally, the current Israeli-Palestinian war prompts scant consolation from Honk Bleakly, head of our Department of Pyrrhic Victory: "Blood feuds end when you run out of blood."
 
Until the lights go on all over the world,
 
Hank