Sleep well, Right-thinking Americans! Your W Team is on the watch!

In recent weeks we have detected, in the liberal-dominated press, evidence of a plot to undermine the President by taking him seriously.

This insight comes to us via studies conducted at the Honk Bleakly Institute for the Study of Politics or Whatever, as part of an investigation conducted by the Institute's crack team of social scientists--all of whom have had at least some college.

This comprehensive research effort, despite its abysmally poor level of funding, documents a virtual sea change in journalistic attitudes, a purposeful transformation of perspective that, after consulting our dictionary, we can only call "nefarious".

There was a time when the national press was content merely to picture the President as a spineless buffoon, a freak of the electoral process whose 3rd grade essays were ghostwritten.

But no more. The President's masterful U.N. performance and his stunning mid-term electoral victories have reduced the once contemning press to hushed wonder and anxious references to the coming presidential election as "the Bush Juggernaut," or "the Bush slaughter." Now fearful pundits contend we should regard the soon-to-be Liberator of Baghdad with the same awe and terror we once felt for Dr. Sivana, the evil genius and malevolent nemesis of the great Captain Marvel.

This newfound respect might at first seem a good thing, but we are not so easily fooled, good friends, not so easily fooled. Because the net and, we maintain, intentional result of this

New focus has been to subject the President to a level of scrutiny as intense as that of an I Ching reading.

This is not good. Mr. Bush did not get where he is today by having people pay attention to what he's doing. And we worry that closer study of his actions might result in a certain diminution of the public confidence so indispensable to stable government and continued federal paychecks. For, despite the great affection and esteem with which we embrace him, we are forced to admit that the President has not contributed that many potatoes to the stew--in fact, it may be difficult to prove that he has any potatoes at all.

Realizing this, administration strategists have launched a bold new public relations initiative, one rooted in the old saying, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with--" ...well, it goes on to say that one should confuse them.

The President's suitability to this astonishing scheme is one of the great strokes of historic fortune. For when it comes to confusion there is no one to beat our man. The Commander in Chief has what we like to think of as "duality of mind" the ability to mix intellectual apples and oranges to produce lemonade.

This and his ability to maintain a tenacious and simultaneous belief in mutually opposing ideas are exemplary of the qualities that make him the greatest leader of our time. Yes!

It is a joy and a wonder to watch his mind at work; he is like a force of nature, totally unencumbered by reason or countervailing experience. If you tell him this morning's snow fell from the sky he will greet the news with surprised delight and speak of little else all day. If on the next morning you tell him it rose from the ground, he will embrace the new idea with equal fervor, while--and this is his genius--in no way diminishing his belief in the previous day's revelation!

Mr. Bush makes clear to us the awesome power of pure ignorance, as we see that knowing nothing frees one to believe everything. Thus he is able to articulate policies that are as antithetical as insulin and gumdrops--with no hint of mendacity or ironic dissonance.

As witness:

The Economy: The President's new tax plan is twice the size most analysts expected, fostering deep suspicions that it will ultimately be taken from the average taxpayer's hide. The new proposal seeks to put the money where it will do the most good, in the hands of rich Americans who will use it to acquire needed goods and services that will stimulate key sectors of the economy--especially the vital yacht repair, luxury real estate and hooker industries.

The War: The President boldly plans to use the invasion of Iraq to teach North Korea a lesson: by pounding Baghdad until it is smooth like a mirror. This will show Premier Kim what we do to countries we don't like--particularly when they can't defend themselves.

Civil Rights: In the wake of the Trent Lott affair, the Republican Party has been nearly frantic to convince minority groups and suburban white women that it is fully signed on to the "Big Tent" concept. It seems only natural then that the President would immediately re-nominate both a suspected racist and an alleged anti-feminist to the federal bench. And that shortly thereafter he would announce his intention to oppose the University of Michigan's affirmative action plan--if indeed that is what it is. And also that, just to keep things interesting, the White House would leak the fact that NSA adviser Condoleezza Rice, herself a Person of Color--primarily red at the moment--had supported the President's decision.

These and similar disconnects will, we believe, go a long way toward stemming the rising tide of malicious misdirection that would have the American public believe the President is responsible for his own actions. It is that kind of thing that fosters distrust of government, and that, along with the rash, keeps us up at night. Guarding the nation's oversight.

Oh, while we're on the subject, "Black America Salutes Condoleezza Rice Day" is being rescheduled. The event is now planned to take place on or about The End of Days. Consult this column for further developments.

Yours in victory,

Hank