From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Friday, June 29, 2001
Subject: More about my big trip


Hi,

Last time, I told you about all the preparations for my first presidential trip amongst the Euros, and about how Condie and a buncha other experts put me through a kinda crash course, teachin' me all about affairs in other countries. Like I said, it was pretty tough at first, learnin' so many facts, but once I come up with the idea of my little cheat sheet, I felt pretty confident.

I wished I could 'a said the same for my feelin' about the trip itself. I guess you'd figure that a man 'a the world like me would've done a lotta travelin', but it ain't so. I think it's mostly because I've never been too good at geography. About all I know is there's a southern hemisphere and a northern hemisphere and, if I remember correctly, a eastern hemisphere and a western hemisphere too. Which, if you add 'em up, seems to make two planets. I don't really understand it.

So I delegated all the trip plannin' to my subalterns. I'm good at that. I got an MBA in delegatin', y'know. In fact, I delegate nearly ever'thin' 'round here 'cept goin' to the bathroom! (Heh, heh. That's good. I gotta tell Karl that one).

So, of course, I was careful to leave all the real work up to Dick C, Condie, Colin, Don and some 'a the other foreign experts. My job was to handle what they called the "charm offensive" (Jeb says I'm the most offensively charmin' man he knows, but he's my brother, so 'a course he's gonna brag on me). The only problem with this stragedy is that they pretty much kept me away from the elected officials, and mainly had me meetin' with royalty, political appointees and military people. It ranked me a little to have to spend all 'a my time in a room full 'a nothin' but political puppets and figureheads.

So once all the plannin' was done, we were off to Europe. I took copacetic notes all durin' the trip, and here's some 'a what I wrote about.

Madrid
OK, OK, OK! So I made one little mistake! So shoot me, for God's sake! Actually, to be honest, it was two little mistakes. In the televised press conference after we arrived, I guess I referred to Prime Minister Aznar as "President Anzar - although it beats hell out 'a me what the difference is -second problem is that "Anzar" means "duck" in Spanish.

I mean, anybody could'a got that wrong! Actually, I think I covered it up pretty well. I just pretended it was my nickname for him, and kept callin' him "Lucky Duck" most 'a the evenin'. But I don't know for sure that it worked. I've noticed that a lotta minority types are real sensitive about havin' their names mispronounced.

Oh, and while I'm on that subject: some smartass reporters - which if you ask me is redundicative - suggested that I don't know the meanin' 'a words in any language, 'cause I 'm "anti-semantic". Well that's a DAMN LIE! I have always prided myself on my ability to believe in the supposed equalness of almost ever'body.

Any way, King Juan Carlos kinda got even later on. When he met us he shook Condie's hand and said "Buenos Dias, Arroz" ("Good morning, Rice"). Well, Condie's back got a bit straighter at that, but she managed to pass it off with a smile. I wonder if he thinks that's the first time she's ever heard that.

Jeb said it coulda been worse. He coulda said "Buenos Dias, Arroz con pollo".

Actually? I was just jokin' about that "shoot me" thing. There's entirely too much 'a that goin' 'round as it is.

Brussels
Next we was off to Belgium to meet with the NATO members. There's hardly twenty of 'em, but they are a feisty little bunch! They was polite and all, but most of 'em really didn't like the Missile Defense System idea at all. France and Germany was the biggest problem (surprise, surprise). They wouldn't even agree that we needed the system, let alone that it would work. And they particularly hated the idea that we planned to walk out on the '72 arms treaty,

I gotta admit I didn't help things much. At one point in the discussion, I noticed that they was all lookin' at me kinda funny (I hate that look). I was usin' my little cheat sheet at the time, and I suddenly realized that I musta mixed up the answer about NATO expansion with the one about the ABM treaty.

Right away, Colin jumped in and explained that they should not construe my remarks to mean that I thought NATO was a outmoded example of Cold War thinkin' and should be scrapped (even though that's what I said), and to put my comments down to problems with the language.

At this some 'a them looked even more puzzled, 'cause the whole discussion was in English.

Goteborg
Next was Sweden. We'd had lotsa protesters all along the trip, but it truly reached a fevered bitch in Sweden. "Neutral" my Aunt Fanny! There musta been ten thousand or more people riotin' and demandin' that I be shot up into space, 'stead 'a the Missile Shield.

A lotta people've asked me if I minded any a' the foreign protests. And I'd have to say "no". The fact is, once you leave the United States, nothin' feels like it's real anymore, anyway. The money is weird, the streets and buildin's is weird, even the places you know, like McDonalds and KFC, look weird. And the people don't look at all like Americans, either; they all look different in the same way.

So all that yellin' and throwin' bricks and such seemed kinda like I was in a movie, not actually in real life at all. It was almost kinda cozy in a funny sort 'a way, like bein' wrapped in cotton.

Warsaw
Now, Poland was a lot different. There was protesters, sure, but there was just as many people who didn't hate me, so they kinda battled each other. Poland's only had democracy for about ten years or so, so many 'a my ideas made more sense to 'em.

I must say, Condie and me was very moved by the Polish people. At one Solidarity commemoration ceremony, we both had tears in our eyes, thinkin' about all them brave people who stood up to a government that cared nothin' about 'em 'cept to crush 'em. Truly inspirin'.

The protesters picked up a little later that evenin', and it put me in mind 'a John Ashcroft's great plan to cut down on all them anti-global protests back home.


Brdo Pri Kranju
Whew! That's a mouthful, ain't it? But its in Slovenia, which was my favorite part 'a the trip, and where I met with Vladimir Putin. I took to old Vlad right away. I think him 'n me really understood each other. They tell me Vlad's a man who really likes his vodka. And even though I fourswore that kinda thing a long time ago, I still believe you can trust a drinkin' man - long as he don't overdo, a' course. Also, we're a lot alike, Vlad and me. Y'know, he named his two daughters after both their grandmothers, same as me 'n Laura did? Now there's a man who's no fool.

Now, I know ol' Vlad said some pretty negative things about the Missile Defense, but that's mostly for show. I know for a positive fact his technical folks ran the numbers, same as we did, and they come up with pretty much the same conclusion: there simply ain't no way in hell the damn thing's gonna work. You'd have to be a idiot to rely on somethin' that don't have no more technology than what your local telephone company uses to figure your bill.

But, of course, this ain't about whether it works or not. Like Dick C says, it's about gettin' it built. So 'ol Vlad's just blowin' off steam for the voters, which I understand just fine: I have to say a lotta stuff I don't believe either.

All in all, it was a more successful trip than any 'a us coulda hoped for. I know there's been some controversy - 'specially with Jesse and his bunch -about my growin' relationship with Vlad, but that's to be expected. 'Sides, Jesse ain't all that powerful anymore, is he?

Still, it is kinda funny that so many of our European allies are mad at me, and the one guy that really likes me is a Russian. There's somethin' outta whack there, but I can't put my finger on it.

But one thing's certain: there's always gonna be somebody somewhere in the world that don't like us. "The more things change, the more they remain the same", as the French insist on sayin', only in a different language.

Your pal,
The Incontinental,
W