From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Monday, July 23, 2001
Subject: My terrible meetin'
 
This has been a very religious week, but not a very comfortin' one.
 
Last Thursday, I was lookin' out the window in the Oval. The day was so pretty, I didn't think anything could ruin it, but I was wrong. Karen come in, lookin' even less happy than usual (does that women ever actually comb her hair?).
 
"Some bad news"she says. "Next week you've got eye-time with Falwell, Robertson and Heston. They've got questions about the faith-based deal".
 
"Oh, Lord!", I said, and sat down quick, 'cause sometimes bad news makes the blood do funny things in my head. "How come I gotta do that? Can't you get me outta this somehow?".
 
"Sorry George, "shakin' her head, "They're too important to us. Jerry and Pat kept their people off your back during the election. And Charlton's got a legion of gun-silly lunatics supporting you. We owe these guys big time, and they know it. We can't afford to piss on them now.".
 
She sat down and put her legs up on a chair. "The good news is, I convinced them to make it all one meeting. You can guess how hard that was.".
 
"Pretty hard"I admitted, 'cause these three men do not like each other much. I got up and walked around a little, tryin' t' think a' somethin', but it was clear I was licked. "All right,"I said at last, "So who's gonna be there with me - you, Dick C and Karl, I guess. What about Condie?"
 
She looked down at the table, took a moment to answer, "Well, that's the bad news, George. They've insisted on meeting with you alone.".
 
I sat down quick again. "Why? Can they do that? Don't it - don't it say somewhere in the law that somebody's gotta be with me in meetin's? How come they asked that?
 
Karen stopped writin' somethin' in her memo book, and looked at me. "Winston Churchill said, 'Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room'. Do you understand the meaning of that, George?"
 
I said I didn't.
 
"Exactly,"she said, and went on writin'.
 
When she finished she tore a page outta her book and give it to me. "Keep the conversation to these three points, and no other. You are to act only as moderator -". I put up my hand, but she raised hers and went on, "-'referee' - of the discussion. Do not contribute anything to it, and, above all, George, above all, do not promise anything! Do you understand?"
 
I said "Yes", and looked at what she had wrote:
 
1. What is a faith-based organization?
2. Who should it serve?
3. How should it deliver services?
 
I protested "But these is only the main points. You usually give me lotsa more details to say".
 
"You won't have to worry about details", she said, "This'll keep them busy enough. You just keep things moving, and let them talk themselves out."Only it didn't work out that way.
 
Anyway, there I was the followin' Monday, all by myself, walkin' into the big conference room, where Jerry, Pat and Charlton was already waitin' for me.
 
Before I go on, It might help some if I told you a little bit about these three fellas.
 
Now, Pat, in addition to bein' a religious man, is a very business-minded man. Sometimes it seems to me that business is all he thinks about. He's been pretty good at the religious business - made him a billionaire - but almost every thing else he's tried has pretty much failed. Ever' now and then, Pat will say somethin' that'll stop you in your tracks.
 
Jerry's got some businesses goin' too, but they all seem to be doin' OK, but Jerry's mostly about the Bible. That man loves his Bible like a sailor loves his girlfriend. He's got a web site that quotes the Good Book up one side and down the other, every page, twenty-four and seven. Jerry ain't always here with the rest of us.
 
Now, Charlton...Charlton ain't like the other two. Truth, Charlton ain't like nobody I know. I don't mean to say I don't like him. Hell, we all practically grew up watchin' Charlton in them movies where he was Moses, El Cid, Michael-Angelo, Ben Hur, and alla them other heroes. But he's a little more...intense in the flesh, you might say. Charlton's always wearin' an expression like he's laughin' at you on the one hand, and on the other wonderin' how many shells it would take to put you down. Not to make it too short, Charlton gives me the willies.
 
Oh, and one other thing. When he's not actin' or speakin' out on stuff, Charlton likes to wear what he calls "his casual clothes", which in his case is a Moses robe he got from The Ten Commandments movie, complete with sandals and a staff with a hook on the end. This is another example a' why I don't much like it when Charlton comes over.
 
And like I said before, neither of these men is particular partial to the other.
 
So there we all was. As it turns out, somebody again forgot to turn off the room recorders, which is good, because our conversation got kinda hectic, and the transcribings help me to recall what all happened, which is this:
 

ME

"Mornin', Fellas".

   

PAT

"Mornin', George."

   

CHARLTON

"GOOD MORNING, MR. PRESIDENT!"(Charlton is a very assertive speaker)

   

JERRY

"All the brethren greet you. Greet ye one another with an holy kiss. 1 Corinthians, 16:20". (Like I said, Jerry loves his bible)

   

ME

"Uh, huh, thanks, Jerry, a handshake will do fine though" (I sit down). "So. What you fellas got on your minds?"

   

PAT

"We have some concerns about the Religious Charities program, George, we —

   

CHARLTON

(cuttin' in) "— To put it in a nutshell, Mr. President, we've heard some disturbing rumors about —"

   

PAT

(Continuin') "— We want to be sure that things don't get off on the wrong track, George. We —"

   

CHARLTON

(Holdin' up his hand to stop Pat — which Pat don't at all like) "What we want to know, Mr. President, is precisely how do you propose to implement this plan?"

   

ME

"Well, I'm glad you brought that up, fellas. Nothin's firmed up yet. Why don't we just kick a few ideas around?"(Then I told 'em about the "What", "Who"and "How"topics Karen thought up)

   

CHARLTON

"SOUNDS FINE, MR. PRESIDENT!"(I always like to sit a ways from Charlton)

   

PAT

"That's okay by me, George"

   

JERRY

"I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them. Matthew, 18:19"

   
 

(Ever'body was quiet for a moment, to think that over)

   

PAT

"Well, the first question is easy. A faith-based organization is obviously one that believes in God"

   

CHARLTON

"Ah, my friend, but which God?"(It don't matter what direction you're swimmin' in, Charlton will always be swimmin' the other way).

   

PAT

(Indignatin') "Whatta you mean, 'which God'? God, that's who! The one and only. God!"

   

JERRY

"Now I know that the Lord is greater than all gods, for in the thing wherein they dealt proudly he was above them. Exodus, 18:11"

   

PAT

(Noddin') "Exactly."

   

CHARLTON

(Smilin' a little too much) "But, Reverend. I thought faith depended on belief alone, rather than evidence or material manifestation"

   

PAT

(Puzzled) "Well, of course. Faith means believing in something, even if you can't see it or prove it exists"

   

CHARLTON

(Even more smilin') But of course, when you refer to the 'one God', surely you are implying a presence that can be enumerated, and is thus in some sense physical, and therefore not requiring of faith at all"

   

PAT

(Lookin' uneasy and a little confused) What? What are you saying? I —"

   

CHARLTON

"Moreover, how do you account for atheists? Atheists believe that God doesn't exist, even though they can't prove it any more than believers can prove that he does. Wouldn't that make atheism a faith as well?"

   

PAT

(Wavin' both hands in the air) "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You can't —"

   

CHARLTON

"In which case, I would have to argue that any organization might be considered 'faith-based'"

   

PAT

(A bit calmer, smilin', but not really) "Oh, and I suppose next you'll be saying the NRA is a faith-based organization"(Laughin' a little)

   

CHARLTON

"My point precisely."

   

PAT

(Flabbergasted) "WHAT? You've got to be kidding me!"

   

JERRY

(All big-eyes) "And they were all amazed, and were in doubt, saying one to another, What meaneth this? Acts, 2:12"

   

CHARLTON

(Laughing) "Well, it's obvious, isn't it?"

   

PAT

"Oh, do tell. I can't wait to hear this!"

   

JERRY

(Noddin') "Teach me, and I will hold my tongue: and cause me to understand wherein I have erred. Job, 6:24"

   

CHARLTON

"Listen my friends, each year over 30,000 Americans die in shooting incidents. There are over four million members in my association, and not one of them thinks guns had anything to do with it. Now if that isn't faith, then God didn't make little green apples."

   

PAT

(Sputterin') "It doesn't matter what God made —"

   

CHARLTON

"And as you've already stated, faith is belief, and I submit the NRA is just as much a faith-based movement as either of yours". (Pause, then:) "Of course, we're not as good at selling bibles to widows."

   

PAT

(Startin' to get outta his chair) "Why you..."

   

JERRY

(Red-faced) "They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate! Titus, 1:1!6"

   
   
   
   
Clearly, we wasn't goin' nowhere on this topic, So I called time-out, calmed ever'body down and moved 'em on to the next topic - about who gets served. But it turned out they didn't wanta talk about which folks oughtta be helped, so much, as about which folks oughtta not be helped.
   
   
   

PAT

"I would certainly hope that our efforts would not be squandered upon the morally degenerate.."

   

JERRY

(Noddin') "And he took away the sodomites out of the land.. 1 Kings, 15:12"

   

PAT

...And of course no idolators, or faithless... "

   

JERRY

"Because of unbelief they were broken off. Romans, 11:20"

   

PAT

"...And no fornicators..."

   

JERRY

"For by means of a harlot a man is reduced to a crust of bread; and an adulteress will prey upon his precious life. Proverbs 6:26 "

   

PAT

"...And not the worshippers of the demon UFOs, or the Jewish bankers who killed Lincoln and established Karl Marx, or..."

   

CHARLTON

"And, of course, no gun control zealots"

   

PAT

(Startin' to look upset again) "...Wait a minute. What've guns got to do with —"

   

CHARLTON

"What's more, I'd like to see some emphasis on helping the victims of crime; perhaps teaching homeowners how to use guns to protect themselves and their families"

   

PAT

(Standin' up, tremblin') "...What do you think we're — listen, Heston, someday, somebody's gotta pull you down off that cloud you're obviously —"

   

CHARLTON

(Standin' up and leaning 'cross the table towards Pat) "Well, if anyone does, it sure won't be some bible-thumping bumpkin!"

   

PAT

(Strippin' off his jacket and rollin' up his sleeves) "Right! That's it, Bullet Boy! Get 'em up. G-e-e-e-t 'em up!"

   

JERRY

(Standin' up too) "This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand; and I will...take thine head from thee. 1 Samuel 17:46!"

   

CHARLTON

(Holdin' up his staff and glarin' at pat) "Beware! I will smite thee! I will smite thee hip and thigh!"

   

PAT

"Not If I 'smite thee' first, you lunatic ham slice!"(Startin' to come around the table)

   

ME

"Boys! Boys! Not here in the People's Oval Office!"



Well, I got 'em eventual quieted down. I told 'em we all needed to go home and think about our positions on these matters until our next meetin' (really meanin' a' course, to nail the door shut as soon as they left).
 
And, later, I gotta admit I was in a penned-up mood and pretty down about the whole thing. I mean, here was three - four if you count me - fundamental Christian boys, and the only part a' the plan we could agree on was that Jesse Jackson shouldn't get nothin'.
 
What, I wondered, was gonna happen when ever'body - Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Mohammedan's, and God only knows who all else, started talkin' all at once? And another thing: I'd hoped to put about a billion dollars into the program, but now we'll be lucky to get even a tenth of that. And that lower pie is gonna make things even more fightin'.
 
But after a few days I brightened up a bit. And I realized that we just have to try anyway; on account I promised we'd do it, and because so many a' my supporters is expectin' - no, insistin' on it. So now I'm just prayin' it'll work out OK.
 
I mean, you have to have a little faith.
 
Your pal,
 
W
 
 
Oh, PS. I'm in the middle of doin' somethin' really big. IT'S BIG! IT'S BIG! And It's a secret, so I can't tell you about it for a few more weeks, but it's the most excitin' responsibility I ever had!. I'll give you one little hint, though: "Dolly Parton".
 
Again, your pal,
W




From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Monday, July 23, 2001
Subject: My terrible meetin'
 
This has been a very religious week, but not a very comfortin' one.
 
Last Thursday, I was lookin' out the window in the Oval. The day was so pretty, I didn't think anything could ruin it, but I was wrong. Karen come in, lookin' even less happy than usual (does that women ever actually comb her hair?).
 
"Some bad news"she says. "Next week you've got eye-time with Falwell, Robertson and Heston. They've got questions about the faith-based deal".
 
"Oh, Lord!", I said, and sat down quick, 'cause sometimes bad news makes the blood do funny things in my head. "How come I gotta do that? Can't you get me outta this somehow?".
 
"Sorry George, "shakin' her head, "They're too important to us. Jerry and Pat kept their people off your back during the election. And Charlton's got a legion of gun-silly lunatics supporting you. We owe these guys big time, and they know it. We can't afford to piss on them now.".
 
She sat down and put her legs up on a chair. "The good news is, I convinced them to make it all one meeting. You can guess how hard that was.".
 
"Pretty hard"I admitted, 'cause these three men do not like each other much. I got up and walked around a little, tryin' t' think a' somethin', but it was clear I was licked. "All right,"I said at last, "So who's gonna be there with me - you, Dick C and Karl, I guess. What about Condie?"
 
She looked down at the table, took a moment to answer, "Well, that's the bad news, George. They've insisted on meeting with you alone.".
 
I sat down quick again. "Why? Can they do that? Don't it - don't it say somewhere in the law that somebody's gotta be with me in meetin's? How come they asked that?
 
Karen stopped writin' somethin' in her memo book, and looked at me. "Winston Churchill said, 'Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room'. Do you understand the meaning of that, George?"
 
I said I didn't.
 
"Exactly,"she said, and went on writin'.
 
When she finished she tore a page outta her book and give it to me. "Keep the conversation to these three points, and no other. You are to act only as moderator -". I put up my hand, but she raised hers and went on, "-'referee' - of the discussion. Do not contribute anything to it, and, above all, George, above all, do not promise anything! Do you understand?"
 
I said "Yes", and looked at what she had wrote:
 
1. What is a faith-based organization?
2. Who should it serve?
3. How should it deliver services?
 
I protested "But these is only the main points. You usually give me lotsa more details to say".
 
"You won't have to worry about details", she said, "This'll keep them busy enough. You just keep things moving, and let them talk themselves out."Only it didn't work out that way.
 
Anyway, there I was the followin' Monday, all by myself, walkin' into the big conference room, where Jerry, Pat and Charlton was already waitin' for me.
 
Before I go on, It might help some if I told you a little bit about these three fellas.
 
Now, Pat, in addition to bein' a religious man, is a very business-minded man. Sometimes it seems to me that business is all he thinks about. He's been pretty good at the religious business - made him a billionaire - but almost every thing else he's tried has pretty much failed. Ever' now and then, Pat will say somethin' that'll stop you in your tracks.
 
Jerry's got some businesses goin' too, but they all seem to be doin' OK, but Jerry's mostly about the Bible. That man loves his Bible like a sailor loves his girlfriend. He's got a web site that quotes the Good Book up one side and down the other, every page, twenty-four and seven. Jerry ain't always here with the rest of us.
 
Now, Charlton...Charlton ain't like the other two. Truth, Charlton ain't like nobody I know. I don't mean to say I don't like him. Hell, we all practically grew up watchin' Charlton in them movies where he was Moses, El Cid, Michael-Angelo, Ben Hur, and alla them other heroes. But he's a little more...intense in the flesh, you might say. Charlton's always wearin' an expression like he's laughin' at you on the one hand, and on the other wonderin' how many shells it would take to put you down. Not to make it too short, Charlton gives me the willies.
 
Oh, and one other thing. When he's not actin' or speakin' out on stuff, Charlton likes to wear what he calls "his casual clothes", which in his case is a Moses robe he got from The Ten Commandments movie, complete with sandals and a staff with a hook on the end. This is another example a' why I don't much like it when Charlton comes over.
 
And like I said before, neither of these men is particular partial to the other.
 
So there we all was. As it turns out, somebody again forgot to turn off the room recorders, which is good, because our conversation got kinda hectic, and the transcribings help me to recall what all happened, which is this:
 

ME

"Mornin', Fellas".

   

PAT

"Mornin', George."

   

CHARLTON

"GOOD MORNING, MR. PRESIDENT!"(Charlton is a very assertive speaker)

   

JERRY

"All the brethren greet you. Greet ye one another with an holy kiss. 1 Corinthians, 16:20". (Like I said, Jerry loves his bible)

   

ME

"Uh, huh, thanks, Jerry, a handshake will do fine though" (I sit down). "So. What you fellas got on your minds?"

   

PAT

"We have some concerns about the Religious Charities program, George, we —

   

CHARLTON

(cuttin' in) "— To put it in a nutshell, Mr. President, we've heard some disturbing rumors about —"

   

PAT

(Continuin') "— We want to be sure that things don't get off on the wrong track, George. We —"

   

CHARLTON

(Holdin' up his hand to stop Pat — which Pat don't at all like) "What we want to know, Mr. President, is precisely how do you propose to implement this plan?"

   

ME

"Well, I'm glad you brought that up, fellas. Nothin's firmed up yet. Why don't we just kick a few ideas around?"(Then I told 'em about the "What", "Who"and "How"topics Karen thought up)

   

CHARLTON

"SOUNDS FINE, MR. PRESIDENT!"(I always like to sit a ways from Charlton)

   

PAT

"That's okay by me, George"

   

JERRY

"I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them. Matthew, 18:19"

   
 

(Ever'body was quiet for a moment, to think that over)

   

PAT

"Well, the first question is easy. A faith-based organization is obviously one that believes in God"

   

CHARLTON

"Ah, my friend, but which God?"(It don't matter what direction you're swimmin' in, Charlton will always be swimmin' the other way).

   

PAT

(Indignatin') "Whatta you mean, 'which God'? God, that's who! The one and only. God!"

   

JERRY

"Now I know that the Lord is greater than all gods, for in the thing wherein they dealt proudly he was above them. Exodus, 18:11"

   

PAT

(Noddin') "Exactly."

   

CHARLTON

(Smilin' a little too much) "But, Reverend. I thought faith depended on belief alone, rather than evidence or material manifestation"

   

PAT

(Puzzled) "Well, of course. Faith means believing in something, even if you can't see it or prove it exists"

   

CHARLTON

(Even more smilin') But of course, when you refer to the 'one God', surely you are implying a presence that can be enumerated, and is thus in some sense physical, and therefore not requiring of faith at all"

   

PAT

(Lookin' uneasy and a little confused) What? What are you saying? I —"

   

CHARLTON

"Moreover, how do you account for atheists? Atheists believe that God doesn't exist, even though they can't prove it any more than believers can prove that he does. Wouldn't that make atheism a faith as well?"

   

PAT

(Wavin' both hands in the air) "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You can't —"

   

CHARLTON

"In which case, I would have to argue that any organization might be considered 'faith-based'"

   

PAT

(A bit calmer, smilin', but not really) "Oh, and I suppose next you'll be saying the NRA is a faith-based organization"(Laughin' a little)

   

CHARLTON

"My point precisely."

   

PAT

(Flabbergasted) "WHAT? You've got to be kidding me!"

   

JERRY

(All big-eyes) "And they were all amazed, and were in doubt, saying one to another, What meaneth this? Acts, 2:12"

   

CHARLTON

(Laughing) "Well, it's obvious, isn't it?"

   

PAT

"Oh, do tell. I can't wait to hear this!"

   

JERRY

(Noddin') "Teach me, and I will hold my tongue: and cause me to understand wherein I have erred. Job, 6:24"

   

CHARLTON

"Listen my friends, each year over 30,000 Americans die in shooting incidents. There are over four million members in my association, and not one of them thinks guns had anything to do with it. Now if that isn't faith, then God didn't make little green apples."

   

PAT

(Sputterin') "It doesn't matter what God made —"

   

CHARLTON

"And as you've already stated, faith is belief, and I submit the NRA is just as much a faith-based movement as either of yours". (Pause, then:) "Of course, we're not as good at selling bibles to widows."

   

PAT

(Startin' to get outta his chair) "Why you..."

   

JERRY

(Red-faced) "They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate! Titus, 1:1!6"

   
   
   
   
Clearly, we wasn't goin' nowhere on this topic, So I called time-out, calmed ever'body down and moved 'em on to the next topic - about who gets served. But it turned out they didn't wanta talk about which folks oughtta be helped, so much, as about which folks oughtta not be helped.
   
   
   

PAT

"I would certainly hope that our efforts would not be squandered upon the morally degenerate.."

   

JERRY

(Noddin') "And he took away the sodomites out of the land.. 1 Kings, 15:12"

   

PAT

...And of course no idolators, or faithless... "

   

JERRY

"Because of unbelief they were broken off. Romans, 11:20"

   

PAT

"...And no fornicators..."

   

JERRY

"For by means of a harlot a man is reduced to a crust of bread; and an adulteress will prey upon his precious life. Proverbs 6:26 "

   

PAT

"...And not the worshippers of the demon UFOs, or the Jewish bankers who killed Lincoln and established Karl Marx, or..."

   

CHARLTON

"And, of course, no gun control zealots"

   

PAT

(Startin' to look upset again) "...Wait a minute. What've guns got to do with —"

   

CHARLTON

"What's more, I'd like to see some emphasis on helping the victims of crime; perhaps teaching homeowners how to use guns to protect themselves and their families"

   

PAT

(Standin' up, tremblin') "...What do you think we're — listen, Heston, someday, somebody's gotta pull you down off that cloud you're obviously —"

   

CHARLTON

(Standin' up and leaning 'cross the table towards Pat) "Well, if anyone does, it sure won't be some bible-thumping bumpkin!"

   

PAT

(Strippin' off his jacket and rollin' up his sleeves) "Right! That's it, Bullet Boy! Get 'em up. G-e-e-e-t 'em up!"

   

JERRY

(Standin' up too) "This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand; and I will...take thine head from thee. 1 Samuel 17:46!"

   

CHARLTON

(Holdin' up his staff and glarin' at pat) "Beware! I will smite thee! I will smite thee hip and thigh!"

   

PAT

"Not If I 'smite thee' first, you lunatic ham slice!"(Startin' to come around the table)

   

ME

"Boys! Boys! Not here in the People's Oval Office!"



Well, I got 'em eventual quieted down. I told 'em we all needed to go home and think about our positions on these matters until our next meetin' (really meanin' a' course, to nail the door shut as soon as they left).
 
And, later, I gotta admit I was in a penned-up mood and pretty down about the whole thing. I mean, here was three - four if you count me - fundamental Christian boys, and the only part a' the plan we could agree on was that Jesse Jackson shouldn't get nothin'.
 
What, I wondered, was gonna happen when ever'body - Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Mohammedan's, and God only knows who all else, started talkin' all at once? And another thing: I'd hoped to put about a billion dollars into the program, but now we'll be lucky to get even a tenth of that. And that lower pie is gonna make things even more fightin'.
 
But after a few days I brightened up a bit. And I realized that we just have to try anyway; on account I promised we'd do it, and because so many a' my supporters is expectin' - no, insistin' on it. So now I'm just prayin' it'll work out OK.
 
I mean, you have to have a little faith.
 
Your pal,
 
W
 
 
Oh, PS. I'm in the middle of doin' somethin' really big. IT'S BIG! IT'S BIG! And It's a secret, so I can't tell you about it for a few more weeks, but it's the most excitin' responsibility I ever had!. I'll give you one little hint, though: "Dolly Parton".
 
Again, your pal,
W
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