From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Saturday, April 13, 2002
Subject: Ain't no two ways about it
 
Boy, ol' Tom Ridge 's catchin' hell, ain't he? Could be worse though. Could be me.
 
The only people that ain't laughin' at Tommy 'bout the color-coded terror thing is the ones that's callin' im names 'cause he won't testify at Congress.
 
'Fraid Tommy's what you call collaborational damage. It's like checkers, sometimes you has to sacrifice a piece to be king. This is somethin' I didn't understand 'fore the Bad September.
 
'Fore then, things was total comin' apart: economics was headin' straight down th' sewer — right along with my polls. Didn't no two people in the WH agree on nothin'. The traitor Jeffords had done the horrible. And the public was startin' to take a active dislike to me and mine. Then come Osama, and BINGO! We's right back in business again. From then on didn't nobody dare say nothin' bad about us.
 
Talk about a ill wind blowin' somebody good, it was just beautiful how neat ever'thin' fell into place. People was sudden lookin' up to us. All the opposin' near disappeared overnight. And best a' all, it just about ruined the Democrats. We'd already took out a lot a' their starch durin' the impeachment, then we caught 'em with their pants down in the election, and by the time the attack come they was plain wore out and just rolled over and died. And they stayed dead, too, which give us a total free hand. You could almost make a rap song 'bout it:
 
    "We got the might on the right and no ref' on the left!"
 
This 's all been quite a rev'lation. We'd always knew the American people 'd respond to a crisis, it just hadn't occurred to us 'til now that a crisis is just about all they'll respond to.
 
The biggest thing we learned is that you got to keep people scared and entertained at the simultaneous. That ain't all that hard if you know how to delegate: Dick C and Rummy does the scary parts, and I'm the entertainment.
 
That's where Tommy comes in. Tommy's been kinda my friend for over twenty years. True, he was a little contaminated by havin' Democrat parents, but I know he can be trusted to do the right thing. Tommy follows orders and he keeps his mouth shut — two things I have always admired in a public servant. That's how come I talked him into givin' up bein' Governor 'n headin' up what I calls — in private — "Homeland Distraction."
 
You get how that is? You gotta think a' domestic security like some kinda three-ring circus, with Tommy bein' the Ring Master. Now, 'a course, the Ringmaster don't own the circus, or even control the acts, he just keeps ever'body movin' and tells the audience where to look.
 
Where you want 'em lookin' is at the elephants, not at the ticket booth or the front office, or anyplace else where the real action is. Problem right now is we got more elephant crap than we got elephants, so we got to keep ever'body's mind on sideshows and fireworks. That's why the color-code, and that's why no testifyin'.
 
Right now Tommy's doin' a good job a' keepin' people hoppin'. It takes up near all his time, but that's okay, 'cause he don't have a hell uvva lot else to do. We sure as hell ain't gonna let 'im do nothin real 'cause his mind ain't the kind you want in security.
 
See, Tommy's one a them folks who thinks ever'thin's complicated, when in fact most things ain't. He can't look at nothin' 'thout seein' both good 'n bad in it. Real security needs a simpler mind, one that can decide what's good or bad without thinkin'. Any other way 's a waste a' time, and downright dangerous, too. You don't believe me, you just try drivin' down the middle uvva two-lane highway one night and see what happens to your butt.
 
Now, me, I got more simplicity than most folks. I get it from the Good Book, which says it plain: there's Good and there's Evil, ain't no middle way. Now, 'scuse me if I have to say that I think America is Good, which don't leave much room for nobody who's against us; Evil's the only option left.
 
And security's simple just like Good and Evil. If you really wanna be safe, the best place to be is in a locked room. Now some get upset with that — wavin' their hands in the air and cryin' "Oh! Oh! You just wanna lock ever'body up!" But that ain't the way to think about it. Way to think ain't that you're bein locked in, but that you's lockin' ever'body else out.
 
So, first thing we got to do is make America safe like a big locked room. Next we gotta pay attention to who all is locked in there with us. Some gotta be kicked out, and the rest got to be watched.
 
You gotta realize safety don't come cheap — you gotta pay for it by donatin' some a' your own personal rights back to the community.
 
Now, this is where Tommy and fuzzy-thinkers like 'im make their big mistake. They think that means givin' up "freedom." No way, it just means keepin' America safe from too much freedom. In times like these "freedom" 's just another word for "selfish."
 
It takes a simple mind to understand that freedom is the greatest threat to liberty.