The Right Honourable Jean Jacques Joseph Chretien, P.C., M.P.
Prime Minister of Canada
Langevin Block
Ottawa, Ontario

Hey, JayJay!
 
How you guys doin'?. Laura and me had a fine time visitin' with you and Aline when we was out your way. By the way, Laura says be sure 'n thank Aline for the chocolate recipe, and to apologize for the dog.
 
I 'specially wanted to thank you and the Canadian peoples for tryin' so hard at speakin' English durin' our visit. It was a real nice homey touch.
 
So. Let me get to the point how come I'm writin' you, which is that I wanted to clear up a few things and tell y' some important decisions I been assisted in comin' to.
 
First off, when Ashcroft visited you folks some weeks back, he may've seemed a little put out. I guess some a' y'all thought it was on account a' how your newspapers jumped the gun on the story about our agreement on beefin' up border security -- puttin' on those extra troops and helicopters and all.
 
Actual, it wasn't so much that. Actual, John was more concerned 'bout some recent revelations revealed here recently.
 
See, a coupla days 'fore his trip, John got some intelligence from QORG -- CIA's Quebec Over-flight Reconnaissance Group. (Say, Jackie, did I ever mention we was lookin' in on you folks from time to time? Just another part a' our good neighborly policy, but it must a' plain slipped my mind.)
 
Thing is, the infernal-red photos picked up somethin' caused us to worry a little down here: it seems a lotta your corn fields got Marijuana growin' in their middles.
 
Now, I gotta say right off that grass ain't no particular never-mind to me -- I always say what's a little ganja between friends? -- although the mere mention a' the stuff makes John go red in the face and sorta choke.
 
No, the pot wouldn't be that much trouble by itself, it's just that we also been gettin' reports that some bad guys is forcin' the farmers to grow the stuff.
 
And then we remembers Interpol tellin' us that drug profits is the number one way a' fundin' terrorism.
 
So right off that sets a few bells to ringin' in the Agency's Canada Section, 'cause we remembered that you'all ain't exactly got a spotless record in the terrorism field. As I recall, not too many years back, you'all had some problems with that group a' Quebec separationals -- the PLQ? For a time there it seems a body couldn't open up a mailbox nowheres in Canada without he's blown to Halifax.
 
And, as if that wasn't bad enough, we just noticed the other day that the Canadian Marijuana Party did much better in your federal elections than anybody 'd thought they would. Hell, looks like more a' them people voted for pot than tax cuts!
 
Thing is, more 'n half a' them votes come outta Quebec.
 
Then we minded to where last year one a' bin Laden's boys almost sneaked through Montreal, aimin' to blow up LAX airport — which seemed a little redundant at the time — and our analysts tell us that could mean Quebec's separationals is workin' with the Al Quaida.
 
Well, you can see our problem. Looks like we got what could be a proballistic wave a' drug-funded, pot-smokin', bomb-throwin' Quebeckers light-footin' it over our border and blowin' up ever' mailbox in America. Somethin' a lotta a' us feel has the potentiation for adverse economic impact in the mail-order sector.
 
This is not good. This is not good at all. For one thing, what kinda precedence does it set? If we let you have a terrorist group, pretty soon ever' other nation's gonna want one too.
 
I guess, as Laura says, I'm goin' the long way 'round the barn to get to the horse. Here it is in a nut; and, believe me Jacky-boy, I hate to have to say this, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to bomb the daylights outta you people.
 
Now Jackie, I know how this must sound to you, and I wouldn't blame you a bit if you was to get upset about it. I know how I'd feel if somebody told me they was gonna blow up America. Which is kinda the point, Jacky, 'cause they has.
 
Now, if you permit me a minute, I think I can show you how this could work out good for ever'body.
 
As you know, we got a lotta plans for takin' care a' the evil-doers. Like I told you last time, in a war 'gainst terrorism, it don't make no sense to just wipe out a few starvin' terrifiers in one place, and leave all the rest uvvem goin' scot-free. Plus, it turns out most a' the Evil D's is escaped anyway, and left us with hardly a handful a' suspects — some a' who, it turns out, was actual already on our side. Now some a' my fellow citizens is beginnin' to wonder what the point a' all that shootin' was. It's a different world, now, Jay-Jay, you can't pull the wool over Americans' eyes near as long as you useta.
 
So we come up with a plan, and we was just about to get it on. We had a whole buncha evil countries writ up on the "bad-guys" whiteboard in the Big Room in the Basement — Karl call's 'em the "evil axiom" — and all we needed was a few more weeks for public opinion to congeal.
 
But then them chicken Taliban cut and run on us, and suddenly we got practically no enemy to carry us over into the next phase. There we were, out in the cold, you might say, without a terrifier to our name.
 
So it come to us that we needed some kinda interim shootin' war to tide us over 'til we could launch the real thing. Well, I guess you see my point.
 
Now, for you, this would solve a lotta problems you been havin' with Quebec — for one thing, there wouldn't be near as much a' it.
 
And here's another up-side: we'd drop lotsa food on you'all. They tell me they got MRE's now that is practical the equivalent a' five-star restaurants. What's more, you could have your choice a' menus too, what with entrails like Canadian Bacon, or the low fat turkey substitute, or even Sausage-n'-Biscuits! Plus we'll throw in some American beer too — no more need for Molson's or any of that other crap you people has to drink.
 
Only thing I feel kinda bad about is that we gotta be so sneaky 'bout it. Colin said it'd be nice, seein' as how you'all is our favorite northern neighbor, to give ya a little heads-up about when and what we was gonna be blastin' to hell. Then Rummy said if we did we'd lose the element a' surprise, which I could see his point.
 
But since you n' me is practical like brothers, I thought I might offer a helpful tip: If you and Aline had the really good idea a' takin' a short vacation outside Ottawa any time 'fore, let's say, February 25th at 1530 hours, and you'alls first choice was Montreal? You should go with your second choice.
 
Finally, you could help me out here if y' would. Tommy Franks tells me the Delta Force is havin' a lotta trouble pin-pointin' locations. It sure would be a help if you people could leave your porch lights on for a coupla weeks.
 
Thanks a lot for your understandin', mi amigo, lookin' forward to our next get-together once you'alls settled in your new home. And be sure n' say buenos tardes to Aline!
 
Yours in pro anti-evilness deletion,
 
George,
Commander-in-Chief,
The United States (America)
 
Untied we stand!
You go, America!