Our story thus far: LUKE and PRINCESS LEIA, having discovered they are siblings, now learn that their father is...no, wait...
Our story thus far: GEORGE has been assigned to work with a New York advertising agency in an attempt to polish the nation's image abroad. As we rejoin our tale, the current project, a "We are the World," clone written and co-hosted by Barry Manilow and Snoop Dogg, is about to go into rehearsal
From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Monday, March 27, 2002
Subject: Why I ain't in the show business no more
This show wasn't all beer and kibble. Although we had a lotta good stuff in it, we was still a little short on "content" — the parts what come between the musical numbers.
We wanted to brag on the good things about America —'specially durin' my Commander-in-Chiefship. But almost ever'thing we wanted to say could be turned against us by some Negative Norbert.
For example, my world-wide reputation as "The Education President" suffers some when you hear that we cut back educational fundin'. Or tried to eliminate bilingual education. Or reduced library spendin'. Or sabotaged programs like "Readin' is Fundamental." All a' them was unfortunate necessaries, but some nitpicker could make 'em look bad.
Then there's that environment thing. You break a few campaign pledges, give big business a little edge, appoint a coupla pro-industry spokespeople, endanger a few species, give up a few wilderness areas, back out uvva few international agreements, or, God help you, leave a toxin or two in somebody's drinkin' water, and right away they start callin' you "anti-environmental."
And don't get me started on this energy stuff.
It wouldn't a' been no problem if it we was talkin' to ourselves. Americans is patriotic enough to shut up 'n believe whatever they're told to, and who cares what the rest think? But all them international foreigners live for politics. They read (and understand) newspapers, and they sit in their little sidewalk cafes and talk politics, politics, politics, all day long. How you gonna get anywhere with people like that?
So we knew what to say, we just didn't know how to say it so's anybody 'd believe it. 'Specially them French.
But that wasn't our biggest problem.
Some genius (not me) come up with the idea uvva big musical extravaganza to go on in the middle a' the program. It was s'posed to be a show-stopper — and it was.
The big plan was to play up the idea a' "liberty," and we had not one, but four Lady Liberty's on the stage at once, with lights and fireworks.
The four uvvem was chose to help us reach our audience a' international targets. Each one was a different kinda superstar: We had Christina Aguilera for the Hispaniacs, Lucy Liu for the Orientals and Asiatics, and Britney Spears and Shannon Doherty as your regular, American-type, English-speakin' girls.
We didn't need a black actress, 'cause we ain't concentratin' on Africa this term. Or the next one, neither.
Thing is, none a' girls got along with each other. Each one wanted to be treated special from the rest. Makin' people feel that way is one a' the things I'm best at, so I was sent to do the job. I told each one she was my favorite and was gettin' the most, though the fact is I didn't like none uvvem and they was all bein' paid the exact same.
The trouble started durin' the first dress rehearsal. Ever'body was there, includin' Poppy and Ma. Each a' the girls was standin' on pedestals at different corners a' the stage', and each had her a gray gown, a crown, 'n a paper-whatchamacallit torch.
Briteny kept pullin' her gown tighter 'cross her chest, and each time she did, Christina 'd pull hers too, 'til pretty soon you didn't need no imagination at all — if you receive my meanin'. There was a lotta whisperin' goin on 'tween 'ever'body, some a' which seemed to me a touch low-spirited.
I think it went down the tubes when Christina, in a real loud whisper, commented on Briteny's good fortune gettin' cast as a non-talkin', non-movin' statue, 'count a' it was "finally somethin' she could handle."
In the followin' sixty seconds , Britney uncorked a stream a' words, a' which more 'n half seemed to be "bitch." Apparently Briteny thought there was many kinds a' bitches, and that Christina was a good example a' each one.
After that peace was not possible. Next all the girls was callin' each other names, climbin' down off their pedestals 'n takin' swings at each other. Hopin' to make peace, I waded into the middle uvvem, and that's when Lucy fetched me a left right on the eye.
To bring some clarity to the situation I told a Secret Service "Shoot the bitch! Shoot the bitch!" He right away raised his pistol and pointed it at Ma, but the other SS man knocked it outta his hand 'fore serious damage could ensue.
No need to tell you that pretty much done in the extravaganza idea, and pretty soon the whole show. It also put a capper on my career at White, Lipped and Trembling.
I'll have to save what we did next for another email. I hear a fight startin' up in the hallway. God, I hope it ain't Colin and Rummy again.
Gaw Bless,
W
Our story thus far: LUKE and PRINCESS LEIA, having discovered they are siblings, now learn that their father is...no, wait...
Our story thus far: GEORGE has been assigned to work with a New York advertising agency in an attempt to polish the nation's image abroad. As we rejoin our tale, the current project, a "We are the World," clone written and co-hosted by Barry Manilow and Snoop Dogg, is about to go into rehearsal
From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Monday, March 27, 2002
Subject: Why I ain't in the show business no more
This show wasn't all beer and kibble. Although we had a lotta good stuff in it, we was still a little short on "content" — the parts what come between the musical numbers.
We wanted to brag on the good things about America —'specially durin' my Commander-in-Chiefship. But almost ever'thing we wanted to say could be turned against us by some Negative Norbert.
For example, my world-wide reputation as "The Education President" suffers some when you hear that we cut back educational fundin'. Or tried to eliminate bilingual education. Or reduced library spendin'. Or sabotaged programs like "Readin' is Fundamental." All a' them was unfortunate necessaries, but some nitpicker could make 'em look bad.
Then there's that environment thing. You break a few campaign pledges, give big business a little edge, appoint a coupla pro-industry spokespeople, endanger a few species, give up a few wilderness areas, back out uvva few international agreements, or, God help you, leave a toxin or two in somebody's drinkin' water, and right away they start callin' you "anti-environmental."
And don't get me started on this energy stuff.
It wouldn't a' been no problem if it we was talkin' to ourselves. Americans is patriotic enough to shut up 'n believe whatever they're told to, and who cares what the rest think? But all them international foreigners live for politics. They read (and understand) newspapers, and they sit in their little sidewalk cafes and talk politics, politics, politics, all day long. How you gonna get anywhere with people like that?
So we knew what to say, we just didn't know how to say it so's anybody 'd believe it. 'Specially them French.
But that wasn't our biggest problem.
Some genius (not me) come up with the idea uvva big musical extravaganza to go on in the middle a' the program. It was s'posed to be a show-stopper — and it was.
The big plan was to play up the idea a' "liberty," and we had not one, but four Lady Liberty's on the stage at once, with lights and fireworks.
The four uvvem was chose to help us reach our audience a' international targets. Each one was a different kinda superstar: We had Christina Aguilera for the Hispaniacs, Lucy Liu for the Orientals and Asiatics, and Britney Spears and Shannon Doherty as your regular, American-type, English-speakin' girls.
We didn't need a black actress, 'cause we ain't concentratin' on Africa this term. Or the next one, neither.
Thing is, none a' girls got along with each other. Each one wanted to be treated special from the rest. Makin' people feel that way is one a' the things I'm best at, so I was sent to do the job. I told each one she was my favorite and was gettin' the most, though the fact is I didn't like none uvvem and they was all bein' paid the exact same.
The trouble started durin' the first dress rehearsal. Ever'body was there, includin' Poppy and Ma. Each a' the girls was standin' on pedestals at different corners a' the stage', and each had her a gray gown, a crown, 'n a paper-whatchamacallit torch.
Briteny kept pullin' her gown tighter 'cross her chest, and each time she did, Christina 'd pull hers too, 'til pretty soon you didn't need no imagination at all — if you receive my meanin'. There was a lotta whisperin' goin on 'tween 'ever'body, some a' which seemed to me a touch low-spirited.
I think it went down the tubes when Christina, in a real loud whisper, commented on Briteny's good fortune gettin' cast as a non-talkin', non-movin' statue, 'count a' it was "finally somethin' she could handle."
In the followin' sixty seconds , Britney uncorked a stream a' words, a' which more 'n half seemed to be "bitch." Apparently Briteny thought there was many kinds a' bitches, and that Christina was a good example a' each one.
After that peace was not possible. Next all the girls was callin' each other names, climbin' down off their pedestals 'n takin' swings at each other. Hopin' to make peace, I waded into the middle uvvem, and that's when Lucy fetched me a left right on the eye.
To bring some clarity to the situation I told a Secret Service "Shoot the bitch! Shoot the bitch!" He right away raised his pistol and pointed it at Ma, but the other SS man knocked it outta his hand 'fore serious damage could ensue.
No need to tell you that pretty much done in the extravaganza idea, and pretty soon the whole show. It also put a capper on my career at White, Lipped and Trembling.
I'll have to save what we did next for another email. I hear a fight startin' up in the hallway. God, I hope it ain't Colin and Rummy again.
Gaw Bless,
W
Flackman, part two
I, impressario
© 2001- 2, Hank Blakely
