From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Monday, March 18, 2002
Subject: Debt of a salesman
Looookin' SHARRRRP! Skinny-brim hat, skinny li'l tie, gray flannel suit; I tell you ain't nothin' else to call it 'cept...SHARRRRP!
No question but that I look ever' inch the successful advertisin' executive! Just like all them advertisin' men in the movies — Rock Hudson, Tony Randall, Gig Young and all them guys. Only I don't think they carried it off half as good as me.
What I'm doin' here is lookin' over some pictures Laura took durin' my latest episode in the world a' business.
How it happened was like this:
Awhile back, Dick C told me that for some reason nobody could figure out, America's image abroad wasn't doin' too good. And apparently Rummy and his boys had tried to fix it by makin' up somethin' which for certain reasons they called the "Office a' Strategic Influence." The certain reasons bein' that callin' it the "Office a' Lyin'" might put too fine a point to it.
But as usual, Rummy's boys blew it inta a cocked hat, and the press was all over it like Trent Lott on a plate a' grits. At first we thought we could just tell ever'body we'd closed it down and keep on with it anyways, but Colin said that a liar who tells you he's tellin' you the truth is just wastin' ever'body's time.
So they closed it down for real and started lookin' for some other kinda way to convince the world we was better than they think we is.
Dick C called in some advertisin' buddies he'd met in his old days at Haliburton — people Dick said could sell toothpaste to chickens.
Dick needed me to work with 'em, 'cause I knew his thinkin', and 'cause I was the logical one to put it over to the public. Like I do now.
"What we need, George," he said, "is someone who can look the public right in the eye and unblushingly tell them whatever cockamamie story we've cooked up for that day -- someone who's completely unencumbered by a single shred of decency, moral fiber or human empathy."
I looked him dead in his little eyes and said "When do I start?".
Next thing you know, I'm sittin' high above 6th Avenue in a conference meetin' room with Harry Lipped, Senior Partner a' White, Lipped and Trembling, the biggest advertisin' agency in the world!
I guess ol' Harry knows the goods when he sees it. He told me they needed my demonsterable executional ability, to say nothin' a' my "catchy," whatever that is. A' course I accepted right off.
Wow! Baseball man, oilman, Governor, President, and now...Advertisin' Executive! Man, it just keeps gettin' better!
In words a' one syllable, the project was gonna be simply beautiful: it was a all-star extravaganza, kinda like that African famine thing, "We Are the World" — back in the eighties? In fact, Harry 'd got the rights to the title song, and the best part was we didn't even have to change the lyrics all that much!
The show was written and co-hosted by Barry Manilow and Snoop Dog. Which worked out a lot better 'n a lotta folks — me included — thought it might. Though I admit to bein' a bit surprised when Barry started rappin'.
To say nothin' a' when Snoop did them love songs.
One a' my favorite parts was the openin' number, what featured Isaac Hayes and Bette Midler with the Harlettes. Here's a little bit a' how it went:
HAYES:
Who's got that cool, constitutional democracy cats and chicks from
Azerbaijan to Zambia are talkin' about?
MIDLER / HARLETTES:
A-M-E- R-I-C-A!
America! America!
The nation-state that's fine!
From shining sea to shining sea,
I'm real, real glad it's mine!
HAYES:
Dam-m-m-n straight!
We got Democracy and Frigidaires
And, baby, that ain't all,
We got guns and tanks to help our pals
When their backs' against the wall.
MIDLER / HARLETTES:
America! America!
We're your anti-terror shop!
From emergency to insurgency
We're better than a cop!
Oh, it was gonna be just glorious! And with all the talent we'd got, it didn't seem like it could miss.
Not at first.
D'ya see there where I said "at first"? That's what us writers calls "foreshadowin'," which is what you can use when you wanna intimidate that the horse-apples is headin' for the propellers.
See, the one really bad part a' the whole idea was...
Oops. Gotta go. Dick C's buzzin' for me, 'n he hates to be kept waitin'. I'll have to pick this up again next week.
Be good, and if you can't be good, then don't do nothin' I would do.
Yr pal,
W
From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Monday, March 18, 2002
Subject: Debt of a salesman
Looookin' SHARRRRP! Skinny-brim hat, skinny li'l tie, gray flannel suit; I tell you ain't nothin' else to call it 'cept...SHARRRRP!
No question but that I look ever' inch the successful advertisin' executive! Just like all them advertisin' men in the movies — Rock Hudson, Tony Randall, Gig Young and all them guys. Only I don't think they carried it off half as good as me.
What I'm doin' here is lookin' over some pictures Laura took durin' my latest episode in the world a' business.
How it happened was like this:
Awhile back, Dick C told me that for some reason nobody could figure out, America's image abroad wasn't doin' too good. And apparently Rummy and his boys had tried to fix it by makin' up somethin' which for certain reasons they called the "Office a' Strategic Influence." The certain reasons bein' that callin' it the "Office a' Lyin'" might put too fine a point to it.
But as usual, Rummy's boys blew it inta a cocked hat, and the press was all over it like Trent Lott on a plate a' grits. At first we thought we could just tell ever'body we'd closed it down and keep on with it anyways, but Colin said that a liar who tells you he's tellin' you the truth is just wastin' ever'body's time.
So they closed it down for real and started lookin' for some other kinda way to convince the world we was better than they think we is.
Dick C called in some advertisin' buddies he'd met in his old days at Haliburton — people Dick said could sell toothpaste to chickens.
Dick needed me to work with 'em, 'cause I knew his thinkin', and 'cause I was the logical one to put it over to the public. Like I do now.
"What we need, George," he said, "is someone who can look the public right in the eye and unblushingly tell them whatever cockamamie story we've cooked up for that day -- someone who's completely unencumbered by a single shred of decency, moral fiber or human empathy."
I looked him dead in his little eyes and said "When do I start?".
Next thing you know, I'm sittin' high above 6th Avenue in a conference meetin' room with Harry Lipped, Senior Partner a' White, Lipped and Trembling, the biggest advertisin' agency in the world!
I guess ol' Harry knows the goods when he sees it. He told me they needed my demonsterable executional ability, to say nothin' a' my "catchy," whatever that is. A' course I accepted right off.
Wow! Baseball man, oilman, Governor, President, and now...Advertisin' Executive! Man, it just keeps gettin' better!
In words a' one syllable, the project was gonna be simply beautiful: it was a all-star extravaganza, kinda like that African famine thing, "We Are the World" — back in the eighties? In fact, Harry 'd got the rights to the title song, and the best part was we didn't even have to change the lyrics all that much!
The show was written and co-hosted by Barry Manilow and Snoop Dog. Which worked out a lot better 'n a lotta folks — me included — thought it might. Though I admit to bein' a bit surprised when Barry started rappin'.
To say nothin' a' when Snoop did them love songs.
One a' my favorite parts was the openin' number, what featured Isaac Hayes and Bette Midler with the Harlettes. Here's a little bit a' how it went:
HAYES:
Who's got that cool, constitutional democracy cats and chicks from
Azerbaijan to Zambia are talkin' about?
MIDLER / HARLETTES:
A-M-E- R-I-C-A!
America! America!
The nation-state that's fine!
From shining sea to shining sea,
I'm real, real glad it's mine!
HAYES:
Dam-m-m-n straight!
We got Democracy and Frigidaires
And, baby, that ain't all,
We got guns and tanks to help our pals
When their backs' against the wall.
MIDLER / HARLETTES:
America! America!
We're your anti-terror shop!
From emergency to insurgency
We're better than a cop!
Oh, it was gonna be just glorious! And with all the talent we'd got, it didn't seem like it could miss.
Not at first.
D'ya see there where I said "at first"? That's what us writers calls "foreshadowin'," which is what you can use when you wanna intimidate that the horse-apples is headin' for the propellers.
See, the one really bad part a' the whole idea was...
Oops. Gotta go. Dick C's buzzin' for me, 'n he hates to be kept waitin'. I'll have to pick this up again next week.
Be good, and if you can't be good, then don't do nothin' I would do.
Yr pal,
W
Flackman
Sing the song, children
© 2001- 2, Hank Blakely
