From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Monday, March 11, 2002
Subject: My pal Denny
I got to make a terrible confession. For a coupla weeks there I was beginnin' to think Denny Hastert had it in for me, but now I'm hardily ashamed a' bein' so suspect.
It was silly, I know. To look at 'im you'd wouldn't think there was a bit a' harm in the man, but for a while there I believed elsewise. Now I realize my mind was fictional.
My misconstruction started sometime after they made Denny Speaker a' the House. Maybe somethin' in his attitude must a' not sat exactly right, or somethin'.
Now understand, I ain't sayin' he ain't a likable fella. Fact is, most people take to Denny like a gopher to carrots. But you got to admit, he ain't exactly a man on fire, and until his promotion people pretty much ignored 'im. So his elevation come as somethin' of a surprise to a lotta folks.
If you remember back then, Newt was leavin' for various reasons havin' to do with incompetence, fraud, adultery and general bad behavin'; and the party was lookin' for a replacement who wouldn't be as much uvva walkin' incitement to riot. For a time it looked like Bob Livingston was gonna be the guy, 'til it turned out he hadda Clinton-like habit a' shuckin' his undies at the least inopportunity.
Funny thing was, soon's the news people nailed Bob, the job seemed to lose a lot a' its appeal for most folk, and the crowd a' candidates thinned out quick and fierce. About the only ones left was DeLay and Armey, and people what didn't like Newt was ten times more likely to foam at the mouth at the thought a' either one a' them two gettin' the job.
There was some talk for a short while 'bout J.C. Watts, but...well, you know.
So finally they decided to get somebody innoculous enough so they wouldn't have to spend ever' wakin' minute spinnin' what he said. With that in mind, when you looked around the field Denny was the only tree left standin'.
Well, right away it was clear he was the right choice, 'cause at first nobody could remember who he was. I took to Denny right away. He was kinda lovable and eager — sorta like a new puppy. And since he'd been thorough paper-trained by DeLay and minded his manners, ever'body started to relax 'bout him.
DeLay would a' made a good animal trainer — or a even better puppeteer.
So Denny got Speaker, and what with one thing and another I got this job, and things was fine for a while.
That is, until the Incident a' the Pretzel. I don't like talkin' 'bout the Incident a' the Pretzel much, but I will say that after it happened, Denny commenced to take a uncommon friendly interest in me and my health. Hardly a day 'd go by but what he wasn't callin' to see how I was doin', and did I need anythin.' And he took quite a interest in Dick C's comin'-alongs too.
While I was still recoopin' from the Incident a' the Pretzel, Denny sent me this beautiful basket a' fruit. Wasn't no bananas or apples or such, but a lots a' fancy stuff like champagne grapes, baby kumquats, cranberries — and all sorts a' small roundy kind a' fruits like that. I hadda be a little careful, though, one time there I near had a Incident a' the Kumquat.
In time it come to where Denny and Jean and Laura and me was spendin' a lotta time together. And, right about then's when my awful run a' bad luck started. One night we had dinner at the Hasterts. Afterwards, Laura and Jean got to talkin' in the kitchen, and Denny asked me to help 'im replace a busted light fixture down in the basement.
Denny started strippin' the insulation off some electrical wire, 'n he asked me to get a ladder 'n loosen the old socket. As I was bringin' the ladder over, I noticed it had a sawdusty kinda smell, then I looked, and low 'n behold, one a' the rungs appeared to be cut most all the way through.
"Say, Denny," I said, "This ladder's got a bad rung."
"Oh, really?" he said, "Let me take a look...here, hold this," and he handed me the bare wires.
Which I dammed near took.
Which it is a good thing I didn't, 'cause it turned out the other end was plugged in.
The next thing was when I was helpin' Denny (does he ever actual hire somebody to do this stuff?) to put up a antenna. Somehow Denny forgot I was up on the roof, and walked off with the ladder. And there I was, all alone, 'cept for the crows — who seemed to be takin' a growin' and disturbin' interest in me. Laura says I was only up there a few hours, but it seemed longer.
I come down chilled, and I think all that cryin' hurt my throat.
After that come a spatter a' Incidents — or near-Incidents. There was the near-Incident a' the Combustible Pillow, the near-Incident a' the Slippery Baseball Bat, the near-Incident a' the Unfortunate Ax, the near-Incident a' the Marbles on the Second-Floor Stairs, and the near-Incident a' the Weed-Killer What Looked Like Sugar.
All a' these things seemed to happen most when I was with Denny. I didn't think nothin' 'bout it at first, 'though it seemed like my sub-conscience musta, 'cause I found myself flinchin' and jumpin' at sudden noises a lot more when I was 'round him. It was kinda like them Pablo's Dogs you hear 'bout.
Then t'other day I was readin' USA Today, and come across a article about Presidential Secession, which is about how you get a new president if the old one gets used up sudden.
For example, if somethin' was to happen to me (a national disaster a' unimaginable proportions), then, like ever'body knows, Dick C would get the job. What I didn't know was that if somethin' was to immediate happen to Dick (a tragedy, but the nation would rise and carry on), the presidency would go to the Speaker a' the House.
Which would be Denny.
(!!!)
My mind started racin' like a greyhound. Could it be that Denny was bein' nice to me, and all these near-incidents was occurrin' just so 's he could get into my Presidential pants? So to speak?
In a sidewise sorta way I am a very direct kinda man — so I went straight to Denny and got confrontational on him.
Well, was my face reddened! Turned out I was just about 110 percent wrong! Denny was so hurt it made me feel like a dirty dog, thinkin' that way 'bout 'im. After he'd got over it a little, Denny said he thought we could use a little time off by ourselves to talk things over, and he invited me to come along with him this weekend on a huntin' trip -- just the two a' us.
This is gonna be great!. Real man's stuff! I'm gonna take my ol' over 'n under, 'n Deonny's gonna try out that new assault rifle what the NRA give 'im. It'll give us a chance to clear the air some, and, if we got time, we gonna go white-water raftin', somethin' I never done before.
I hope them rafts got seat belts, though, 'cause I bet it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
From: gwb
To: Hank Blakely
Sent: Monday, March 11, 2002
Subject: My pal Denny
I got to make a terrible confession. For a coupla weeks there I was beginnin' to think Denny Hastert had it in for me, but now I'm hardily ashamed a' bein' so suspect.
It was silly, I know. To look at 'im you'd wouldn't think there was a bit a' harm in the man, but for a while there I believed elsewise. Now I realize my mind was fictional.
My misconstruction started sometime after they made Denny Speaker a' the House. Maybe somethin' in his attitude must a' not sat exactly right, or somethin'.
Now understand, I ain't sayin' he ain't a likable fella. Fact is, most people take to Denny like a gopher to carrots. But you got to admit, he ain't exactly a man on fire, and until his promotion people pretty much ignored 'im. So his elevation come as somethin' of a surprise to a lotta folks.
If you remember back then, Newt was leavin' for various reasons havin' to do with incompetence, fraud, adultery and general bad behavin'; and the party was lookin' for a replacement who wouldn't be as much uvva walkin' incitement to riot. For a time it looked like Bob Livingston was gonna be the guy, 'til it turned out he hadda Clinton-like habit a' shuckin' his undies at the least inopportunity.
Funny thing was, soon's the news people nailed Bob, the job seemed to lose a lot a' its appeal for most folk, and the crowd a' candidates thinned out quick and fierce. About the only ones left was DeLay and Armey, and people what didn't like Newt was ten times more likely to foam at the mouth at the thought a' either one a' them two gettin' the job.
There was some talk for a short while 'bout J.C. Watts, but...well, you know.
So finally they decided to get somebody innoculous enough so they wouldn't have to spend ever' wakin' minute spinnin' what he said. With that in mind, when you looked around the field Denny was the only tree left standin'.
Well, right away it was clear he was the right choice, 'cause at first nobody could remember who he was. I took to Denny right away. He was kinda lovable and eager — sorta like a new puppy. And since he'd been thorough paper-trained by DeLay and minded his manners, ever'body started to relax 'bout him.
DeLay would a' made a good animal trainer — or a even better puppeteer.
So Denny got Speaker, and what with one thing and another I got this job, and things was fine for a while.
That is, until the Incident a' the Pretzel. I don't like talkin' 'bout the Incident a' the Pretzel much, but I will say that after it happened, Denny commenced to take a uncommon friendly interest in me and my health. Hardly a day 'd go by but what he wasn't callin' to see how I was doin', and did I need anythin.' And he took quite a interest in Dick C's comin'-alongs too.
While I was still recoopin' from the Incident a' the Pretzel, Denny sent me this beautiful basket a' fruit. Wasn't no bananas or apples or such, but a lots a' fancy stuff like champagne grapes, baby kumquats, cranberries — and all sorts a' small roundy kind a' fruits like that. I hadda be a little careful, though, one time there I near had a Incident a' the Kumquat.
In time it come to where Denny and Jean and Laura and me was spendin' a lotta time together. And, right about then's when my awful run a' bad luck started. One night we had dinner at the Hasterts. Afterwards, Laura and Jean got to talkin' in the kitchen, and Denny asked me to help 'im replace a busted light fixture down in the basement.
Denny started strippin' the insulation off some electrical wire, 'n he asked me to get a ladder 'n loosen the old socket. As I was bringin' the ladder over, I noticed it had a sawdusty kinda smell, then I looked, and low 'n behold, one a' the rungs appeared to be cut most all the way through.
"Say, Denny," I said, "This ladder's got a bad rung."
"Oh, really?" he said, "Let me take a look...here, hold this," and he handed me the bare wires.
Which I dammed near took.
Which it is a good thing I didn't, 'cause it turned out the other end was plugged in.
The next thing was when I was helpin' Denny (does he ever actual hire somebody to do this stuff?) to put up a antenna. Somehow Denny forgot I was up on the roof, and walked off with the ladder. And there I was, all alone, 'cept for the crows — who seemed to be takin' a growin' and disturbin' interest in me. Laura says I was only up there a few hours, but it seemed longer.
I come down chilled, and I think all that cryin' hurt my throat.
After that come a spatter a' Incidents — or near-Incidents. There was the near-Incident a' the Combustible Pillow, the near-Incident a' the Slippery Baseball Bat, the near-Incident a' the Unfortunate Ax, the near-Incident a' the Marbles on the Second-Floor Stairs, and the near-Incident a' the Weed-Killer What Looked Like Sugar.
All a' these things seemed to happen most when I was with Denny. I didn't think nothin' 'bout it at first, 'though it seemed like my sub-conscience musta, 'cause I found myself flinchin' and jumpin' at sudden noises a lot more when I was 'round him. It was kinda like them Pablo's Dogs you hear 'bout.
Then t'other day I was readin' USA Today, and come across a article about Presidential Secession, which is about how you get a new president if the old one gets used up sudden.
For example, if somethin' was to happen to me (a national disaster a' unimaginable proportions), then, like ever'body knows, Dick C would get the job. What I didn't know was that if somethin' was to immediate happen to Dick (a tragedy, but the nation would rise and carry on), the presidency would go to the Speaker a' the House.
Which would be Denny.
(!!!)
My mind started racin' like a greyhound. Could it be that Denny was bein' nice to me, and all these near-incidents was occurrin' just so 's he could get into my Presidential pants? So to speak?
In a sidewise sorta way I am a very direct kinda man — so I went straight to Denny and got confrontational on him.
Well, was my face reddened! Turned out I was just about 110 percent wrong! Denny was so hurt it made me feel like a dirty dog, thinkin' that way 'bout 'im. After he'd got over it a little, Denny said he thought we could use a little time off by ourselves to talk things over, and he invited me to come along with him this weekend on a huntin' trip -- just the two a' us.
This is gonna be great!. Real man's stuff! I'm gonna take my ol' over 'n under, 'n Deonny's gonna try out that new assault rifle what the NRA give 'im. It'll give us a chance to clear the air some, and, if we got time, we gonna go white-water raftin', somethin' I never done before.
I hope them rafts got seat belts, though, 'cause I bet it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
All About Denny
Break a leg, kid
© 2001- 2, Hank Blakely
