Thank you, thank you! Geez, what a crowd! What a crowd!
Well, you know, I just flew in from Washington, DC, and boy, are my ethics tired! [BAH-RUMP!]
Thank you, thank you!
But, hey, I don't wanna say those guys in Washington are crooked -- at least not while they've still got my wallet! But, boy, are they slow: That Speaker of the House, Denny Hastert? Do you know he can't do anything without DeLay?" [BAH-RUMP!]
I said "without DeLay..." [TAP TAP]...hey, is this mike on?
Speaking of being turned off, how about that stock market? Here's something you might not know: July is one of the most dangerous months to buy stocks. You should never buy stocks in July. The other most dangerous months you shouldn't buy stocks in are January, February, March, April, May, June, August, September, October, November and December! [BAH-RUMP!]
Thank you, thank you! Just a little thing Mark Twain wrote for me!
But you ask me, the problem is all these stockbrokers. Seems like they're everywhere these days. I was in a restaurant the other day, and a stockbroker walked in -- I knew he was a stockbroker 'cause he couldn't figure out where to sit until one of the waiters gave him a tip. [BAH-RUMP!]
Anyhow, this guy orders a pizza, and the waiter says "Yes, sir; you want it cut into four pieces or eight?" And the stockbroker says, "I'm extra hungry tonight, so you'd better make it eight." [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
Those stockbrokers, they're crazy, aren't they? And speaking of crazy, how about those Middle East guys? What do you have if you got Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat buried up to their necks in sand? -- Not enough sand! [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
But I only kid Ariel and Yasser 'cause they're two guys who really know how to take a joke -- each other! [BAH-RUMP!]
Speaking of which, did you hear what the Palestinian suicide bomber wanted for an epitaph: "I told you I was desperate and hopeless!" [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
But forget about those crazy Palestinians, how 'bout those crazy Israelis? The other day I was in an elevator with two Israeli Generals -- hey! It could happen, it could happen! .
First general says to the second , "We got a new way to stop the suicide bombers from getting into Israel, only a couple more details we gotta work out." Second general says "Boy, that's some idea you got there! What is it?" First general, says "A fence." "A fence?," says the second general, surprised, "So who're you locking in, them or us?" First general says, "That's one of the details we gotta work out!" [BAH-RUMP-BUMP-TIINNG!].
Anyhow, the second general says, "Say, that's the craziest idea I ever heard, a fence." "Listen," says the first general," You think that's crazy, wait'll you hear about the moat!" [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
All in fun, folks, all in fun; we kid because we love.
Not that things are any too peaceful around here. Did you hear the government's waging a new war on poverty? Oh, yes, they are, they are! Just yesterday they bombed a soup kitchen! [BAH-RUMP!]
When the smoke had cleared, the soldiers saw a single white flag waving over the rubble, it turned out to be two rats surrendering! Oh, yes, it did! One of the rats defected, enlisted in our army, and was promoted to Captain all in one week; the other was taken home as a war bride! Yes! It happened! Yes!
Looks like our side is winning, though. Only problem is everybody on the other side keeps surrendering to be a prisoner of war -- they say the food's a lot better [BAH-RUMP!]
Now if we just knew what to do with the hostages...
But those poor people, they're the salt of the earth, aren't they? And I say God bless 'em!
But you know, poverty causes a lot of other problems too, no matter where you find it. Now it sounds like poverty is causing a big alcoholism problem in Iraq: every night half the country gets bombed! [BAH-RUMP!]
Boy, that Iraq must be a pretty tough place to live -- pretty tough. I heard that five thousand kids a month are dying to get away from there! [BAH-RUMP!]
...I said "dying to get away from there"...
[TAP TAP]
....I know you're out there, I can hear you crying.
I don't know, I don't know; so much trouble in the world today, and all of it seems to be caused by politicians. A lot of people are very upset with politicians these days: guy walks into a Washington, DC bar, with a big alligator on a leash. He sits down at a stool and asks the bartender, "Say, do you serve politicians here? " Sure we serve politicians here," says the bartender. "Okay," says the guy, "I'll have a whiskey sour for me, and a politician for my alligator."
And what would you do in this case: You're locked in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a politician. You got a gun with only two bullets in it. What do you do? -- easy, shoot the politician -- twice! [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
And, say, have you heard the one about the cleaning lady and the "dirty" bomb? Listen up, this one'll kill ya...
Thank you, thank you! Geez, what a crowd! What a crowd!
Well, you know, I just flew in from Washington, DC, and boy, are my ethics tired! [BAH-RUMP!]
Thank you, thank you!
But, hey, I don't wanna say those guys in Washington are crooked -- at least not while they've still got my wallet! But, boy, are they slow: That Speaker of the House, Denny Hastert? Do you know he can't do anything without DeLay?" [BAH-RUMP!]
I said "without DeLay..." [TAP TAP]...hey, is this mike on?
Speaking of being turned off, how about that stock market? Here's something you might not know: July is one of the most dangerous months to buy stocks. You should never buy stocks in July. The other most dangerous months you shouldn't buy stocks in are January, February, March, April, May, June, August, September, October, November and December! [BAH-RUMP!]
Thank you, thank you! Just a little thing Mark Twain wrote for me!
But you ask me, the problem is all these stockbrokers. Seems like they're everywhere these days. I was in a restaurant the other day, and a stockbroker walked in -- I knew he was a stockbroker 'cause he couldn't figure out where to sit until one of the waiters gave him a tip. [BAH-RUMP!]
Anyhow, this guy orders a pizza, and the waiter says "Yes, sir; you want it cut into four pieces or eight?" And the stockbroker says, "I'm extra hungry tonight, so you'd better make it eight." [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
Those stockbrokers, they're crazy, aren't they? And speaking of crazy, how about those Middle East guys? What do you have if you got Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat buried up to their necks in sand? -- Not enough sand! [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
But I only kid Ariel and Yasser 'cause they're two guys who really know how to take a joke -- each other! [BAH-RUMP!]
Speaking of which, did you hear what the Palestinian suicide bomber wanted for an epitaph: "I told you I was desperate and hopeless!" [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
But forget about those crazy Palestinians, how 'bout those crazy Israelis? The other day I was in an elevator with two Israeli Generals -- hey! It could happen, it could happen! .
First general says to the second , "We got a new way to stop the suicide bombers from getting into Israel, only a couple more details we gotta work out." Second general says "Boy, that's some idea you got there! What is it?" First general, says "A fence." "A fence?," says the second general, surprised, "So who're you locking in, them or us?" First general says, "That's one of the details we gotta work out!" [BAH-RUMP-BUMP-TIINNG!].
Anyhow, the second general says, "Say, that's the craziest idea I ever heard, a fence." "Listen," says the first general," You think that's crazy, wait'll you hear about the moat!" [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
All in fun, folks, all in fun; we kid because we love.
Not that things are any too peaceful around here. Did you hear the government's waging a new war on poverty? Oh, yes, they are, they are! Just yesterday they bombed a soup kitchen! [BAH-RUMP!]
When the smoke had cleared, the soldiers saw a single white flag waving over the rubble, it turned out to be two rats surrendering! Oh, yes, it did! One of the rats defected, enlisted in our army, and was promoted to Captain all in one week; the other was taken home as a war bride! Yes! It happened! Yes!
Looks like our side is winning, though. Only problem is everybody on the other side keeps surrendering to be a prisoner of war -- they say the food's a lot better [BAH-RUMP!]
Now if we just knew what to do with the hostages...
But those poor people, they're the salt of the earth, aren't they? And I say God bless 'em!
But you know, poverty causes a lot of other problems too, no matter where you find it. Now it sounds like poverty is causing a big alcoholism problem in Iraq: every night half the country gets bombed! [BAH-RUMP!]
Boy, that Iraq must be a pretty tough place to live -- pretty tough. I heard that five thousand kids a month are dying to get away from there! [BAH-RUMP!]
...I said "dying to get away from there"...
[TAP TAP]
....I know you're out there, I can hear you crying.
I don't know, I don't know; so much trouble in the world today, and all of it seems to be caused by politicians. A lot of people are very upset with politicians these days: guy walks into a Washington, DC bar, with a big alligator on a leash. He sits down at a stool and asks the bartender, "Say, do you serve politicians here? " Sure we serve politicians here," says the bartender. "Okay," says the guy, "I'll have a whiskey sour for me, and a politician for my alligator."
And what would you do in this case: You're locked in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a politician. You got a gun with only two bullets in it. What do you do? -- easy, shoot the politician -- twice! [BAH-RUMP-BUMP!]
And, say, have you heard the one about the cleaning lady and the "dirty" bomb? Listen up, this one'll kill ya...
Standup
It's all a lot of rim-shot
© 2001- 2, Hank Blakely
