In a deep wood, not far from where you live, there was once a society of rabbits.
They called themselves "The Great Rabbits", because they believed that their initiative and intelligence conferred upon them great blessings that placed them above the common run of rabbitry.
These blessings included science, medicine, art, literature, Top 40 Radio, and cell phones - rather more cell phones than literature, but that was all right.
But their greatest distinction lay in their form of government, a limited-term serial monarchy headed by a king who would serve for a specified period of time, and then pass the office onto a successor, and so on, and so on, and so on.
Now, here is a curious fact about The Great Rabbits: in all the years that they had practiced this form of government, no rabbit had ever actually served as king. That honor went exclusively to the "Conservators"; the wise and canny foxes, bears, badgers and others deemed naturally fit for the burden of government. It had been this way for as long as anyone could remember, but
eventually there arose a movement of modernist rabbits who deplored their exclusion and demanded a leader in their own likeness.
As you might imagine, this development did not please the Conservators. They had long come to view the perquisites and privileges of power as their natural right, and were reluctant to relinquish them. The shrewd animals devoted considerable thought to the issue, and in time devised a plan.
One fine summer morning, the rabbits gathered to choose a new king. One by one, the candidates - all rabbits this time - stood in the center of the large tree-canopied clearing that served as the Great Hall of the Rabbits. The last to proclaim his candidacy was a rather smallish, nondescript rabbit named Ferdalump. Ferdalump did not at first seem to be an especially compelling candidate. He was smaller than the others, not as smart nor as experienced, a graceless orator and a master of mixed metaphor and errant aphorism. But his prospects were brightened by several salient personal characteristics.
First was his undeniable charm. Despite his unprepossessing aspect, he was nonetheless...likable. And even his flaws, which were many and obvious, served to make him appear accessible and sympathetic. No one ever felt challenged in Ferdalump's presence.
Second was his radical social theory: "Conscientious Acquisitiveness", which held that a society's strength was directly proportional to the prosperity of its wealthiest members. Thus, by extension, the pursuit of material goods was by definition patriotic, whereas non-material goals were evidence of moral degeneracy, and were not to be encouraged or abetted. This premise quickly grew to be enormously popular, as it made a virtue of selfishness, a crime of compassion, and simultaneously relieved its adherents of the burden of concern for anyone but themselves.
Third, and most important, was his secret strength: an innate cunning that was most evident in his introduction of the officers - all of them Conservators - who were to serve in his administration. In this his very blandness became an asset, for, like tofu, he took on the flavor of those who stood beside him. When he appeared with Bear Victory, the great military hero, the rabbits thought "Ferdalump is very strong, and will protect us from our enemies." When beside Badger Pious, the legendary jurist, constable and lay minister, they thought "Here is a rabbit who will ensure our safety." And when next to Fox Magnate, the fabulously wealthy industrial titan, they thought "Ferdalump's sound economic principles will lead us to even greater prosperity". Many admired him for even knowing such luminaries.
And so, in an upset victory, Ferdalump became the new King of the Rabbits. Immediately whereupon he installed the Conservators in key posts in the government, and promptly abandoned any meaningful role in his own administration, relegated instead to appearing at public events, giving speeches, shaking paws, and signing new laws.
And there were many new laws. The previous kings had been strong enough to discourage attempts to encroach on their rule. But in the absence of such restraint the rapacious "advisors" now had free reign with no possibility of consequent blame. And so they proceeded to transform the Rabbit Society in accord with their own interests and predilections.
Badger-Pious cited as indisputable fact that crime and depravity both sprang from inappropriate personal choices, and thus the surest way to eliminate these evils would be to eliminate personal choice. Soon there were numerous laws that sharply limited where one could go, what one could do once one got there, and how much one could say about what one did after arriving. Top 40 Radio gradually became Top Four or Five, and even these were now shallow and repetitive sing-songs - hardly more than bubble-gum for the ear. Books, always a suspect form of expression, were all but completely banned - although software manuals were thought to be OK. A special force of Badger constables was created to enforce the new statutes.
Bear Victory warned of the imminent danger posed by flying tree-snakes -creatures no one had ever heard of before this - and proposed an elaborate system of ropes, levers and horns that would serve as both an early warning and a shield against the winged serpents. Despite many learned objections, the project went ahead full throttle, requiring many bear consultants, bear planners, bear engineers, and bear quality assurance personnel.
Fox Magnate claimed that the logical conclusion of Conscientious Acquisitiveness was that the specific method of acquiring wealth was subordinate to its acquisition - if you could get it, it was yours. And soon most rabbits found that their savings and possessions had been effectively converted to the ownership of a small coterie of fox-run corporations, and that what remained was not enough to purchase even a single cell phone.
Thus, in less time than it takes to weep, the rabbits found themselves impoverished, shackled, and trapped in a drab, joyless existence, sustained by only the merest wisp of hope that things might ever improve. And so it continued until the wolves came down from the hills and ate them.
Curiously, the decimation of the Great Rabbits did not overly distress the Conservators, for they quickly discovered that they had many things in common with the wolves, and soon they were all enormously good friends.
One sunny afternoon not long after the fall of the rabbit society, the Conservators and wolves were gathered in the onetime Great Hall of the Rabbits, companionably roasting Ferdalump over a bright, cheerful fire. As he eyed the slowly turning spit, one of the wolves remarked, "you know, It's almost as if the rabbits wanted to be eaten."
"Well, Of course," said Bear Victory, as he ripped off a haunch and tore into it with his sharp, strong teeth, "Why else would they have made a rabbit their king?"
In a deep wood, not far from where you live, there was once a society of rabbits.
They called themselves "The Great Rabbits", because they believed that their initiative and intelligence conferred upon them great blessings that placed them above the common run of rabbitry.
These blessings included science, medicine, art, literature, Top 40 Radio, and cell phones - rather more cell phones than literature, but that was all right.
But their greatest distinction lay in their form of government, a limited-term serial monarchy headed by a king who would serve for a specified period of time, and then pass the office onto a successor, and so on, and so on, and so on.
Now, here is a curious fact about The Great Rabbits: in all the years that they had practiced this form of government, no rabbit had ever actually served as king. That honor went exclusively to the "Conservators"; the wise and canny foxes, bears, badgers and others deemed naturally fit for the burden of government. It had been this way for as long as anyone could remember, but
eventually there arose a movement of modernist rabbits who deplored their exclusion and demanded a leader in their own likeness.
As you might imagine, this development did not please the Conservators. They had long come to view the perquisites and privileges of power as their natural right, and were reluctant to relinquish them. The shrewd animals devoted considerable thought to the issue, and in time devised a plan.
One fine summer morning, the rabbits gathered to choose a new king. One by one, the candidates - all rabbits this time - stood in the center of the large tree-canopied clearing that served as the Great Hall of the Rabbits. The last to proclaim his candidacy was a rather smallish, nondescript rabbit named Ferdalump. Ferdalump did not at first seem to be an especially compelling candidate. He was smaller than the others, not as smart nor as experienced, a graceless orator and a master of mixed metaphor and errant aphorism. But his prospects were brightened by several salient personal characteristics.
First was his undeniable charm. Despite his unprepossessing aspect, he was nonetheless...likable. And even his flaws, which were many and obvious, served to make him appear accessible and sympathetic. No one ever felt challenged in Ferdalump's presence.
Second was his radical social theory: "Conscientious Acquisitiveness", which held that a society's strength was directly proportional to the prosperity of its wealthiest members. Thus, by extension, the pursuit of material goods was by definition patriotic, whereas non-material goals were evidence of moral degeneracy, and were not to be encouraged or abetted. This premise quickly grew to be enormously popular, as it made a virtue of selfishness, a crime of compassion, and simultaneously relieved its adherents of the burden of concern for anyone but themselves.
Third, and most important, was his secret strength: an innate cunning that was most evident in his introduction of the officers - all of them Conservators - who were to serve in his administration. In this his very blandness became an asset, for, like tofu, he took on the flavor of those who stood beside him. When he appeared with Bear Victory, the great military hero, the rabbits thought "Ferdalump is very strong, and will protect us from our enemies." When beside Badger Pious, the legendary jurist, constable and lay minister, they thought "Here is a rabbit who will ensure our safety." And when next to Fox Magnate, the fabulously wealthy industrial titan, they thought "Ferdalump's sound economic principles will lead us to even greater prosperity". Many admired him for even knowing such luminaries.
And so, in an upset victory, Ferdalump became the new King of the Rabbits. Immediately whereupon he installed the Conservators in key posts in the government, and promptly abandoned any meaningful role in his own administration, relegated instead to appearing at public events, giving speeches, shaking paws, and signing new laws.
And there were many new laws. The previous kings had been strong enough to discourage attempts to encroach on their rule. But in the absence of such restraint the rapacious "advisors" now had free reign with no possibility of consequent blame. And so they proceeded to transform the Rabbit Society in accord with their own interests and predilections.
Badger-Pious cited as indisputable fact that crime and depravity both sprang from inappropriate personal choices, and thus the surest way to eliminate these evils would be to eliminate personal choice. Soon there were numerous laws that sharply limited where one could go, what one could do once one got there, and how much one could say about what one did after arriving. Top 40 Radio gradually became Top Four or Five, and even these were now shallow and repetitive sing-songs - hardly more than bubble-gum for the ear. Books, always a suspect form of expression, were all but completely banned - although software manuals were thought to be OK. A special force of Badger constables was created to enforce the new statutes.
Bear Victory warned of the imminent danger posed by flying tree-snakes -creatures no one had ever heard of before this - and proposed an elaborate system of ropes, levers and horns that would serve as both an early warning and a shield against the winged serpents. Despite many learned objections, the project went ahead full throttle, requiring many bear consultants, bear planners, bear engineers, and bear quality assurance personnel.
Fox Magnate claimed that the logical conclusion of Conscientious Acquisitiveness was that the specific method of acquiring wealth was subordinate to its acquisition - if you could get it, it was yours. And soon most rabbits found that their savings and possessions had been effectively converted to the ownership of a small coterie of fox-run corporations, and that what remained was not enough to purchase even a single cell phone.
Thus, in less time than it takes to weep, the rabbits found themselves impoverished, shackled, and trapped in a drab, joyless existence, sustained by only the merest wisp of hope that things might ever improve. And so it continued until the wolves came down from the hills and ate them.
Curiously, the decimation of the Great Rabbits did not overly distress the Conservators, for they quickly discovered that they had many things in common with the wolves, and soon they were all enormously good friends.
One sunny afternoon not long after the fall of the rabbit society, the Conservators and wolves were gathered in the onetime Great Hall of the Rabbits, companionably roasting Ferdalump over a bright, cheerful fire. As he eyed the slowly turning spit, one of the wolves remarked, "you know, It's almost as if the rabbits wanted to be eaten."
"Well, Of course," said Bear Victory, as he ripped off a haunch and tore into it with his sharp, strong teeth, "Why else would they have made a rabbit their king?"
The Rabbit King
Whose woods these are I think I know
© 2001- 2, Hank Blakely
