Gone Missing
Police discontinue search for vanished trait

August 28, 2001

TALLAHASSEE (ANP) - Tallahassee police today abandoned a three-month search for the Last Vestige of Republican Decency.

"Let's face it," said Chief of Police, Claude Reason, "He's probably pushing up daisies right now."

Vestige, in failing health since the November 1994 Congressional elections, was recently seen at the party-switching announcement of former Republican Senator, James M. Jeffords (I - VT). "Gee, I'm gonna miss him," said the ailing attribute, "He was just like family to me. They're all gone now, y'know," he said, appearing to choke back tears, "Rockefeller, Baker, Percy, Weicker...all gone."

Despite what friends and associates describe as Vestige's "generally distraught" state of mind, police are unwilling to rule his disappearance a probable suicide. Instead, investigators have shown a keen and continuing interest in the fact that his disappearance occurred on the same day as the signing of Florida's new Equal Voting Rights Act (EVR). The questionable coincidence has fueled suspicions of foul play. "Oh, yeah, he's sleeping with the fishies tonight," said Chief Reason.

The EVR represents a major overhaul of a voting system considered by many to be racially and politically biased. The new legislation represents an attempt to respond to the torrent of criticism that followed the controversial 2000 presidential election.

Many Republican legislators considered the state's previous voting system to be riddled with loopholes that encouraged racial and ethnic minorities to vote. The new law plugs most of those loopholes, now requiring, for example, that voters "study and know candidates and issues" - an apparent return to the infamous "literacy tests" of Florida's past. The act also makes it all but impossible for persons erroneously disenfranchised as "felons" to correct their records. "But let's face it," commented one unconcerned Republican state Representative, "Most of 'em probably did something wrong some time or the other, anyway."

Critics claim that these provisions are a throwback to the type of minority voting obstacles that once typified southern electoral politics, and that were thought to have been eradicated by the federal Voting Rights Act of 1965. "This takes us right back to 'Jim Crow'," said ACLU attorney, Richard N. Strange.

"Hogwash! Utter hogwash!" counters a Florida Senate member who - in one of those intriguing coincidences that often occur in mock news items - is named James R. Crowe. "The new law simply returns us to the days when men were men, and women and minorities enjoyed the clarity and comfort that derives from a strong sense of place," he said.

Although the new Florida law was passed by the legislature and signed by Governor "Jeb" Bush, investigators have focused most intently on Florida Secretary of State Katherine A. Harris, with an eye to her possible involvement in Vestige's disappearance. Ms. Harris, best known for her key role in the events leading to George W. Bush's murky election victory, has been widely criticized for what many regard as partisan behavior during and after the election. "About as neutral as a whore at a temperance meeting," was the description offered by one observer.

Republican Party officials have mounted a vigorous and occasionally truculent defense of Ms. Harris. At a recent press conference, Senator Crowe commented, "I am shocked and disheartened to hear of news reports linking Ms. Harris with the recent disappearance of the presumably unfortunate Mr. Vestige. I would remind all of you that Ms. Harris is not a suspect, for the simple reason that there has as yet been no crime to suspect her of. Y'all could at least wait for the body to turn up - I mean, if there is a body, I mean."

Mr. Crowe then added, "I would suggest that you ladies and gentlemen of the press go back and re-read your constitution, and reflect upon its insistence that every man - and woman - is innocent until proved guilty, or hanged - whichever come first." The balance of Mr. Crowe's remarks focused on a castigation of the "Scandalmongers", "scalawags" and "scumbag Interlopers" that had "infested the Capitol of late".

Family and friends of Vestige have announced a candlelight vigil to be held this Friday.