Bandits at six and twelve. MIG-21 an' a L-39.
Perfect, freakin' perfect.
Goddamn Tallies only got about four freakin' planes in their whole freakin' air force. It freakin' figures freakin' half of 'em 'd be on my partic'lar ass.
Thanks a bunch, Tommy. Thanks, General "We-own-the-skies" Franks.
* * * * *
Ooookay, guess it's just me and my little F/A18-E/F Super Hornet, up against the fearsome might a' 19th century soviet air technology.
Mano-to-mano.
Wonder which one uvva 'em carries the heaviest armament — oh why 'm I even botherin' to ask? It's gotta be the one behind me, a' course, 'cause that's my freakin' life, is what.
This'd be a good time to do a Immelman. If I knew how to do it.
And if I knew what it was.
* * * * *
Wonder why ever'thin' has t' happen to me? This is sure messin' up what started out to be a nice day a' joy-bombin'.
* * * * *
That damn Karl. It's that damn Karl's fault.
Though, gotta admit, it sounded like a good idea at the time: Woulda been neato headlines all over the world — "Fightin' President puts it on the line for freedom!" Started out perfect, too: a little brush-up combat trainin' at Lackland, pull a quick sneak into Kabul, sit my little butt in this fuel-can-on-wings, and take off into history!
Only now I'm more likely gonna get my little butt shot off, and won't nobody even know I was here.
Well, I better do somethin' fast, or Georgie-Porgie's goose is sure 'nough fricasseed.
What'd they use t' tell us in F-102 trainin'... "when in doubt, climb." Okay...we'll just eaaaase the stick forwards a little...
YIKES! BACK! BACK! I mean ease it BACK!
Goddamn, If I don't get that straight one a' these days I'm gonna get myself seriously hurt.
wonder if I wasn't maybe a bit rash to say that a ol' hand like me didn't need a check-out flight?
Reminds me a' when Donnie Evans n' me took the Cessna up over Midland. Never flew a 172 before. Guess Evvie thought I had, though — for about ten seconds.
Wasn't nothin' like the Cessnas in flight school — nothin' where it ought a' be. Ol' Evvie gettin' nervouser and nervouser. Knew I hadda do somethin' fast or he and me woulda chickened. Longest damn' runway I ever flew. Couldn't get her up. Finally pulled up like it was a F-102. Not a good idea, 'cause it ain't. Damn' thing took off like a ostrich, rattlin' like BBs in a coffee can. Woulda been funny if we wasn't so scared, Evvie screamin' "Give it more gas! Give it more gas!."
Landin' as bad as the takeoff: bouncin' like a golf ball down the runway 'til we spun off into the desert sand. Evvie sweatin' like a lawn sprinkler, and I believe he could a' used some Kimberly-Clark about then, too. Hell, that's near half the reason I give him Secretary a' Commerce after I was selected.
But I still wouldn't let him get out. I turned her around and took off again. His screamin' rattled me a bit, but nobody's ever gonna say George Bush ain't got huevos.
Don't care what it costs.
. * * * * *
Uh-oh, they lockin' onto me. Whatta I do now? Use my IFR — or the FLIR. The AMRAAM? ADAS? IXQC?
A&P?
WELL, DO SOMETHIN' FOR CHRISSAKE, IDJIT!
Maybe this button here...
...noooooooo. Not that one. Now, how do I get this damn' thing right side up again?
Oh, Lord, they're firin' at me! I'm upside down and the bastards is firin' at me. That ain't fair! Oh, Lord, is this it, is this the end a' little Georgie?
* * * * *
Goddamn.
I never seen nothin' like that.
I don't believe it. The missiles locked on to them. Them ol' boys blew each other up!
They musta been two surprised Afghanistanians.
* * * * *
Well, that'll teach 'em to mess with the Ol' Sky Master...
Wait, what's that in the winda? Is that a HOLE?
it is! Oh Lord, it is! Must be shrapnel. I could be decompressioned or somethin'. Oh my god, I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE! OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD!..
Wait a minute. That ain't no hole. It's just bird-do...
I'm gonna live!
Whew! Another crisis mastered. Jus' goes to show ya how a cool head and a steady hand can bring you through the worst a' trials.
Wish that ol' smart-ass squadron commander was here now. "Not fit for duty" my ass. Bet his jaw 'd drop ten feet to see me sittin' in this cockpit. Plus he'd have t salute me, too!
Okay, goddammit, so I buzzed a tower, so what? Bet a lotta good pilots done it too. Any body could a' made the same mistake. And I don't give a rat's what some snot-nosed bottle-cap colonel got to say 'bout it, neither.
And what the hell was the damned tower doin' so close to the field, anyhow?
Next thing y'know, they wanna run a physical on me -- which I had the good sense not to show up for, thank you very much. Might be somethin' I ate mighta give a false positive or somethin'. Still, if Poppy hadn't a' come into it......
...hell with all that, back to the bombin'!
* * * * *
That's Kandahar down there, and that must be the Tallie weapons depot. Target acquired! Ordnance away! There she goes...down...down...down....
BLAMMO!
Got it! Right smack in the center a' the...
...a' the..
...red...
...cross.
Goddamit! How the hell 'd that happen? I was aimin' at the damn depot! That's the third time today!
Great. Like the Red Cross ain't already pissed enough.
Well, it ain't my fault, this damn targettin' array seems t' look to hit hospitals and refugee caravans.
I swear, flyin' this damn plane's just like tryin' a' run the government: it's fast n' powerful, and you think you're in control but really you ain't. And 'fore y'know it, you blowed up somethin' you shouldn't a'.
Whooeee! Look at that! Sick n' wounded people sure can move quick when they's a mind to.
Think I better report this as collateral.
If I report it at all.
Maybe I won't.
Pretty sure it's the targettin' array, though...
I got it, next time I'm gonna aim right at the hospital first and that'll likely trick the bomb into hittin' the depot instead! That's a sure-fire solution! Damn, I'm good!
Man, I gotta real instinct for this stuff. I am truly one with the bomb.
* * * * *
Next target comin' up in 60! Lookout, Tallies, here I come, ready or not!
* * * * *
* * * * *
Beware! Beware! Georgie's in the air!
Bandits at six and twelve. MIG-21 an' a L-39.
Perfect, freakin' perfect.
Goddamn Tallies only got about four freakin' planes in their whole freakin' air force. It freakin' figures freakin' half of 'em 'd be on my partic'lar ass.
Thanks a bunch, Tommy. Thanks, General "We-own-the-skies" Franks.
* * * * *
Ooookay, guess it's just me and my little F/A18-E/F Super Hornet, up against the fearsome might a' 19th century soviet air technology.
Mano-to-mano.
Wonder which one uvva 'em carries the heaviest armament — oh why 'm I even botherin' to ask? It's gotta be the one behind me, a' course, 'cause that's my freakin' life, is what.
This'd be a good time to do a Immelman. If I knew how to do it.
And if I knew what it was.
* * * * *
Wonder why ever'thin' has t' happen to me? This is sure messin' up what started out to be a nice day a' joy-bombin'.
* * * * *
That damn Karl. It's that damn Karl's fault.
Though, gotta admit, it sounded like a good idea at the time: Woulda been neato headlines all over the world — "Fightin' President puts it on the line for freedom!" Started out perfect, too: a little brush-up combat trainin' at Lackland, pull a quick sneak into Kabul, sit my little butt in this fuel-can-on-wings, and take off into history!
Only now I'm more likely gonna get my little butt shot off, and won't nobody even know I was here.
Well, I better do somethin' fast, or Georgie-Porgie's goose is sure 'nough fricasseed.
What'd they use t' tell us in F-102 trainin'... "when in doubt, climb." Okay...we'll just eaaaase the stick forwards a little...
YIKES! BACK! BACK! I mean ease it BACK!
Goddamn, If I don't get that straight one a' these days I'm gonna get myself seriously hurt.
wonder if I wasn't maybe a bit rash to say that a ol' hand like me didn't need a check-out flight?
Reminds me a' when Donnie Evans n' me took the Cessna up over Midland. Never flew a 172 before. Guess Evvie thought I had, though — for about ten seconds.
Wasn't nothin' like the Cessnas in flight school — nothin' where it ought a' be. Ol' Evvie gettin' nervouser and nervouser. Knew I hadda do somethin' fast or he and me woulda chickened. Longest damn' runway I ever flew. Couldn't get her up. Finally pulled up like it was a F-102. Not a good idea, 'cause it ain't. Damn' thing took off like a ostrich, rattlin' like BBs in a coffee can. Woulda been funny if we wasn't so scared, Evvie screamin' "Give it more gas! Give it more gas!."
Landin' as bad as the takeoff: bouncin' like a golf ball down the runway 'til we spun off into the desert sand. Evvie sweatin' like a lawn sprinkler, and I believe he could a' used some Kimberly-Clark about then, too. Hell, that's near half the reason I give him Secretary a' Commerce after I was selected.
But I still wouldn't let him get out. I turned her around and took off again. His screamin' rattled me a bit, but nobody's ever gonna say George Bush ain't got huevos.
Don't care what it costs.
. * * * * *
Uh-oh, they lockin' onto me. Whatta I do now? Use my IFR — or the FLIR. The AMRAAM? ADAS? IXQC?
A&P?
WELL, DO SOMETHIN' FOR CHRISSAKE, IDJIT!
Maybe this button here...
...noooooooo. Not that one. Now, how do I get this damn' thing right side up again?
Oh, Lord, they're firin' at me! I'm upside down and the bastards is firin' at me. That ain't fair! Oh, Lord, is this it, is this the end a' little Georgie?
* * * * *
Goddamn.
I never seen nothin' like that.
I don't believe it. The missiles locked on to them. Them ol' boys blew each other up!
They musta been two surprised Afghanistanians.
* * * * *
Well, that'll teach 'em to mess with the Ol' Sky Master...
Wait, what's that in the winda? Is that a HOLE?
it is! Oh Lord, it is! Must be shrapnel. I could be decompressioned or somethin'. Oh my god, I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE! OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD!..
Wait a minute. That ain't no hole. It's just bird-do...
I'm gonna live!
Whew! Another crisis mastered. Jus' goes to show ya how a cool head and a steady hand can bring you through the worst a' trials.
Wish that ol' smart-ass squadron commander was here now. "Not fit for duty" my ass. Bet his jaw 'd drop ten feet to see me sittin' in this cockpit. Plus he'd have t salute me, too!
Okay, goddammit, so I buzzed a tower, so what? Bet a lotta good pilots done it too. Any body could a' made the same mistake. And I don't give a rat's what some snot-nosed bottle-cap colonel got to say 'bout it, neither.
And what the hell was the damned tower doin' so close to the field, anyhow?
Next thing y'know, they wanna run a physical on me -- which I had the good sense not to show up for, thank you very much. Might be somethin' I ate mighta give a false positive or somethin'. Still, if Poppy hadn't a' come into it......
...hell with all that, back to the bombin'!
* * * * *
That's Kandahar down there, and that must be the Tallie weapons depot. Target acquired! Ordnance away! There she goes...down...down...down....
BLAMMO!
Got it! Right smack in the center a' the...
...a' the..
...red...
...cross.
Goddamit! How the hell 'd that happen? I was aimin' at the damn depot! That's the third time today!
Great. Like the Red Cross ain't already pissed enough.
Well, it ain't my fault, this damn targettin' array seems t' look to hit hospitals and refugee caravans.
I swear, flyin' this damn plane's just like tryin' a' run the government: it's fast n' powerful, and you think you're in control but really you ain't. And 'fore y'know it, you blowed up somethin' you shouldn't a'.
Whooeee! Look at that! Sick n' wounded people sure can move quick when they's a mind to.
Think I better report this as collateral.
If I report it at all.
Maybe I won't.
Pretty sure it's the targettin' array, though...
I got it, next time I'm gonna aim right at the hospital first and that'll likely trick the bomb into hittin' the depot instead! That's a sure-fire solution! Damn, I'm good!
Man, I gotta real instinct for this stuff. I am truly one with the bomb.
* * * * *
Next target comin' up in 60! Lookout, Tallies, here I come, ready or not!
* * * * *
* * * * *
Beware! Beware! Georgie's in the air!
Commander George and the Machineries of Doom
37.5 seconds over Kandahar
© 2001- 2, Hank Blakely
