The mysterious disappearance of millions of chickens from commercial hen houses all over America has led to growing public concern over the soundness of the nation's poultry industry. Deepening suspicions of corporate malfeasance have prompted President Brer Rabbit to appoint a blue-ribbon commission tasked with conducting a thoroughly fowl investigation and recommending appropriate measures for correction and prevention of future misconduct.
 
The President has chosen trusted friend and adviser Brer Fox to head the commission. By all accounts, Fox is uniquely qualified for the task. He is the former president of First Dissembler's Trust ; current Chairman of the National Board of Peculators, founder and president of Iniquity Financial Services Corporation, and a Senior Partner with the law firm of Fleece, Diddle and Grift.
 
Recently, the W Team interviewed Commissioner Fox in his spare but well-appointed law offices. The interview took place around a conference table accented by an ornate teapot with a domed lid painted to resemble the U.S. Capitol building.
 
Herewith the interview:
 
WT: Thank you, Commissioner Fox. Sir, chicken coops all over America have been found plundered and stripped of all but a few empty nests. The feather trail appears to lead directly to powerful executives in the poultry industry, and yet not one of these big chicken heads has admitted responsibility. Can you tell us how you plan to bring the chicken abusers and evil-doers to justice?
 
BF: Well first, I want to say that it distresses me to hear the phrase "chicken abusers" applied to hard-working executives whose only crime may have been to take some bad advice. Many of these people are personal friends, and I can tell you they're heartsick and deeply remorseful about the shame they have brought on their loved ones and themselves. They have abused not chickens, but themselves. And their self-abuse has rendered them blind to the consequences of their own actions.
 
WT: Well, yes, from that perspective we can see how --
 
BF: -- also we prefer the term "wrong-doers" to "evil-doers" -- he latter referring to terrorists. The distinction being that evil-doers seek to destroy America, whereas wrong-doers merely cause everyone to lose their jobs and homes.
 
Although I will say that the first of our initial three theories of the crime was that the chickens had in fact been stolen by foreigners seeking to undermine our confidence in our chicken-shed economy.
 
WT: And your conclusion?
 
BF: -- Well, given that all of the suspects were rich and powerful Americans, we decided to come up with a new theory.
 
WT: Which was...
 
BF: That the chickens had committed mass suicide.
 
WT: The obvious problem there being the missing bodies.
 
BF: Yes, that was a stumper. Eventually we decided to blame it on what we now call Unknown Poultry Purloiners, or UPPs. We believe that there aren't more than one or two of these individuals, and that the media are blowing the whole affair out of proportion. This is our favorite theory.
 
WT: As we can well understand. How do you plan to catch these UPPs?
 
BF: We've brought in a respected law officer, an expert on fowl play.
 
WT: Who is...
 
BF: That would be Brer Weasel.
 
WT: Which brings us to another issue, Commissioner. A number of critics accuse commission members of being too close to the subjects of the investigation. Some cite, for example, the fact that your law firm currently represents ten of the fifteen prime suspects so far identified --
 
BF: -- Old-style politics! --
 
WT: -- and that Brer Weasel owes his wealth to the manufacture and sale of feather beds --
 
BF: -- Class warfare! --
 
WT: -- and that you yourself have been indicted and called to testify before several grand juries on charges remarkably similar to those you are now investigating.
 
BF: Listen, if I'm so guilty, how come I'm not in jail?
 
WT: Well, yes, we confess we were wondering about that...
 
BF: Look, here's the bottom line: the President is deeply concerned about all this, and he intends to hold people accountable. The President has already proposed to increase sentences by 1000 percent. I mean, what do you people want, for crying out loud?
 
WT: Yes, but under the President's proposal prosecution can only proceed if there is video tape evidence of the actual commission of the crime, and only then if there are no fewer than five eye-witnesses, two of whom must be the Pope and the Dalai Lama.
 
BF: This is America. I'd rather let a thousand guilty people go free than imprison one innocent person.
 
WT: And you may well succeed in that regard, Commissioner. But, on the off-chance that you do succeed in catching someone, how will they be brought to justice?
 
BF: Well, you'd have to be pretty careful. It's vital that the suspect be afforded all necessary constitutional safeguards -- such as the right to place a phone call asking his or her Governor, Senator or President to intercede.
 
WT: Of course. As you say, this is --.
 
BT: America, precisely. You see, there's a basic democratic principal at stake here: if the rich and powerful can't avoid prosecution, who can?
 
WT: Earlier you said you had three theories about the disappearances. What was the third?
 
BF: That there was no crime. That the chickens are merely on an extended vacation on the Continent and will return any day now.
 
WT: Then you're waiting for --
 
BF: Our chickens to come home to roost. Yes.
 
WT: We feel certain they will, Commissioner. Thank you.
 
BF: You're welcome, and thank you.