Congratulations! Welcome to New America®! Without knowing it, you've moved to a whole new country! And you did it without even packing a single dish!
While you were off doing other things, we in government have been busily implementing a substantial retrofit of the nation's social infrastructure and norms — or as we like to say down home — cookin' you up a brand new and improved country!
We think you're going to have a lot of fun with New America®, where you are sure to find many rewarding — and frequently surprising — experiences. We're certain you'll have lots of questions as you learn more about it, and this handy guide will help you learn the ropes of your new homeland. And hopefully help you avoid costly error.
We've done all the hard work. Now all you have to do is sit back, relax and experience the sheer pleasure of good, solid, straight-ahead governing!
New America® : the land designed with you in mind. Enjoy!
Q: Is New America® better than the old America?
A: Yes, indeed! Let's face it, the old America was great, but as so many of you told us, it was too darned complicated! Too many rules, too many demands on your time, and way too many choices!
Through your letters and voting patterns, you said to us: "Hey! I'm trying to live a life here! Give me a government that doesn't need so darned much attention!" Well, we heard your wish, and now you're going to get it.
Q: Is New America® still better than all those other countries?
A: Sure! What'd you think?
Q: What's in it for me in New America®?
A: Here are just a few of the benefits of this exciting new nation-state:
Better education: where we focus on the six "Rs": reading, writing, arithmetic — and responsibility, reverence and respect.
Increased autonomy at state and local levels — where that doesn't conflict with federal priorities, of course.
Better government through increased corporate involvement. At last, a national agenda devised by people who know what it is to meet a payroll!
A long overdue end to special preferences. It's time to get back to the level playing field!
Q: Sounds like we're finally going to get what we deserve. Do I need a special membership?
A: No indeed, if you're a natural, productive, citizen you're already a member. Or, if you are from an approved nation (e.g. not Haiti), you can become one with a simple application, a nominal fee, and a routine two-to-three year FBI investigation. In either case you'll get everything you've got coming to you — as long as you stay out of trouble.
Q: How do I stay out of trouble in New America®?
A: Very simple: don't do anything wrong!
But no, seriously, staying on the right side of New America® will be relatively easy for most, while others may find it something of a trial. The permanent emergency has helped everyone realize that many things we used to regard as "rights" are in fact "privileges." For example, there's no automatic right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," they have to be earned.
Younger citizens will, as the kids say, "get" this right away, because they'll learn it in their schools, churches, synagogues and, depending on local ordinance, mosques.
Those of age forty or worse, however, may become confused by apparent challenges to long-held concepts of morality and fairness. For these oldsters we offer this helpful rule-of-thumb: if it feels like the "right" thing to do, it probably isn't.
Q: Is New America® still a nation of laws?
A: Absolutely. New America® has more laws than you can shake a gavel at! Not only lots of new laws, but lots of reinterpretations of old ones as well!
Q: Will we still have science in New America®?
A: Don't worry, we've got lots of science. In fact, thanks to the miracle of biblical technology we've got twice as much! Now when your children learn about galaxies and stars in space, they'll also learn Who put them there.
Q: What about business in New America®?
A: New America® is all about business. It's an entrepreneur's dream, a place where anyone with a good idea and one or two billion dollars in corporate backing can reach the pinnacle of success almost overnight. It's a place where anyone with a good friend in the right place, or an indulgent regulatory environment, can thrive — regardless of his or her actual "qualifications"! No need to worry, everyone will get the business in New America®!
Q: Does New America® support the arts?
A: New America® supports responsible art. A lot of so-called "artists" used to get away with stuff that wasn't even real art, often making fun of our God-given values and traditions. Even worse, a lot of elite art "experts" encouraged them. Well, we say art is for the people, and in New America® the people will determine what is art!
Q: Is New America® strong and secure?
A: The strongest. And the securest. And what makes New America® so strong and secure? One word: preparedness. We're so prepared, we're ready to fight countries no one's even heard of yet! And we'll lick 'em, too.
Q: Is New America® still religious?
A: You bet! if it weren't for religion, there wouldn't even be a New America®! And best of all, in New America® religion itself is also new and improved. We used to be "one nation under God." Now we're a nation that's one with God.
Q: Sounds pretty great! You can count me in! How can I help?
A: Glad you asked. Your part couldn't be simpler. Here's how:
Be on the alert for suspicious actions or statements — including your own.
Support and respect your local, state and federal leaders. But don't bother them with a lot of trivial, socially irresponsible questions about every little thing that bothers you. They've got a big job to do, and you don't want to get in their way.
When speaking with foreign friends — if you think it's a good idea to have any — become an advocate for New America®. Always interpret your country's actions in the most positive light — no matter how strange they may seem at the time. If your so-called "friends" still don't understand, remind them that they're not true Americans. Yet.
Insist on the responsible exercise of the freedoms of press and speech. Let publishers, theater-owners and art galleries know when they've gone too far — or even if you just think they might go too far. Encourage disrespectful creative types to exercise their rights by going somewhere else and starting their own publishing houses, theaters, or galleries — if they think they can get away with it.
Avoid donations to artists and writers and such. If they need charity, how good could they be?
Become a lobbyist for God. Encourage more frequent mention of the bible in your local classrooms, council-meetings, newspapers and courts. Spread word of The Good News to all of your local schools, churches, synagogues and, depending on local ordinance, mosques.
Become an involved citizen. Get to know the people who run your local police station, FBI branch and District Attorney's office. Keep them informed of events in your neighborhood. You'll be glad you did.
We hope this guide will add to your enjoyment of New America®, and, more important, ensure that you and yours continue in a beneficial, rewarding — and safe — relationship with your new country.
New America®: it's a great place to live if you know what's good for you.
Congratulations! Welcome to New America®! Without knowing it, you've moved to a whole new country! And you did it without even packing a single dish!
While you were off doing other things, we in government have been busily implementing a substantial retrofit of the nation's social infrastructure and norms — or as we like to say down home — cookin' you up a brand new and improved country!
We think you're going to have a lot of fun with New America®, where you are sure to find many rewarding — and frequently surprising — experiences. We're certain you'll have lots of questions as you learn more about it, and this handy guide will help you learn the ropes of your new homeland. And hopefully help you avoid costly error.
We've done all the hard work. Now all you have to do is sit back, relax and experience the sheer pleasure of good, solid, straight-ahead governing!
New America® : the land designed with you in mind. Enjoy!
Q: Is New America® better than the old America?
A: Yes, indeed! Let's face it, the old America was great, but as so many of you told us, it was too darned complicated! Too many rules, too many demands on your time, and way too many choices!
Through your letters and voting patterns, you said to us: "Hey! I'm trying to live a life here! Give me a government that doesn't need so darned much attention!" Well, we heard your wish, and now you're going to get it.
Q: Is New America® still better than all those other countries?
A: Sure! What'd you think?
Q: What's in it for me in New America®?
A: Here are just a few of the benefits of this exciting new nation-state:
Better education: where we focus on the six "Rs": reading, writing, arithmetic — and responsibility, reverence and respect.
Increased autonomy at state and local levels — where that doesn't conflict with federal priorities, of course.
Better government through increased corporate involvement. At last, a national agenda devised by people who know what it is to meet a payroll!
A long overdue end to special preferences. It's time to get back to the level playing field!
Q: Sounds like we're finally going to get what we deserve. Do I need a special membership?
A: No indeed, if you're a natural, productive, citizen you're already a member. Or, if you are from an approved nation (e.g. not Haiti), you can become one with a simple application, a nominal fee, and a routine two-to-three year FBI investigation. In either case you'll get everything you've got coming to you — as long as you stay out of trouble.
Q: How do I stay out of trouble in New America®?
A: Very simple: don't do anything wrong!
But no, seriously, staying on the right side of New America® will be relatively easy for most, while others may find it something of a trial. The permanent emergency has helped everyone realize that many things we used to regard as "rights" are in fact "privileges." For example, there's no automatic right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," they have to be earned.
Younger citizens will, as the kids say, "get" this right away, because they'll learn it in their schools, churches, synagogues and, depending on local ordinance, mosques.
Those of age forty or worse, however, may become confused by apparent challenges to long-held concepts of morality and fairness. For these oldsters we offer this helpful rule-of-thumb: if it feels like the "right" thing to do, it probably isn't.
Q: Is New America® still a nation of laws?
A: Absolutely. New America® has more laws than you can shake a gavel at! Not only lots of new laws, but lots of reinterpretations of old ones as well!
Q: Will we still have science in New America®?
A: Don't worry, we've got lots of science. In fact, thanks to the miracle of biblical technology we've got twice as much! Now when your children learn about galaxies and stars in space, they'll also learn Who put them there.
Q: What about business in New America®?
A: New America® is all about business. It's an entrepreneur's dream, a place where anyone with a good idea and one or two billion dollars in corporate backing can reach the pinnacle of success almost overnight. It's a place where anyone with a good friend in the right place, or an indulgent regulatory environment, can thrive — regardless of his or her actual "qualifications"! No need to worry, everyone will get the business in New America®!
Q: Does New America® support the arts?
A: New America® supports responsible art. A lot of so-called "artists" used to get away with stuff that wasn't even real art, often making fun of our God-given values and traditions. Even worse, a lot of elite art "experts" encouraged them. Well, we say art is for the people, and in New America® the people will determine what is art!
Q: Is New America® strong and secure?
A: The strongest. And the securest. And what makes New America® so strong and secure? One word: preparedness. We're so prepared, we're ready to fight countries no one's even heard of yet! And we'll lick 'em, too.
Q: Is New America® still religious?
A: You bet! if it weren't for religion, there wouldn't even be a New America®! And best of all, in New America® religion itself is also new and improved. We used to be "one nation under God." Now we're a nation that's one with God.
Q: Sounds pretty great! You can count me in! How can I help?
A: Glad you asked. Your part couldn't be simpler. Here's how:
Be on the alert for suspicious actions or statements — including your own.
Support and respect your local, state and federal leaders. But don't bother them with a lot of trivial, socially irresponsible questions about every little thing that bothers you. They've got a big job to do, and you don't want to get in their way.
When speaking with foreign friends — if you think it's a good idea to have any — become an advocate for New America®. Always interpret your country's actions in the most positive light — no matter how strange they may seem at the time. If your so-called "friends" still don't understand, remind them that they're not true Americans. Yet.
Insist on the responsible exercise of the freedoms of press and speech. Let publishers, theater-owners and art galleries know when they've gone too far — or even if you just think they might go too far. Encourage disrespectful creative types to exercise their rights by going somewhere else and starting their own publishing houses, theaters, or galleries — if they think they can get away with it.
Avoid donations to artists and writers and such. If they need charity, how good could they be?
Become a lobbyist for God. Encourage more frequent mention of the bible in your local classrooms, council-meetings, newspapers and courts. Spread word of The Good News to all of your local schools, churches, synagogues and, depending on local ordinance, mosques.
Become an involved citizen. Get to know the people who run your local police station, FBI branch and District Attorney's office. Keep them informed of events in your neighborhood. You'll be glad you did.
We hope this guide will add to your enjoyment of New America®, and, more important, ensure that you and yours continue in a beneficial, rewarding — and safe — relationship with your new country.
New America®: it's a great place to live if you know what's good for you.
Fun With Your New Country
Frequently Asked Questions About New America®
© 2001- 2, Hank Blakely
