Dear W:
Earlier this week, our town was featured in a television news story about small town America. During his introduction, the reporter referred to us as "an extremely homogeneous community".
 
W, this is a scandalous lie! We are all100% God-fearing white Christians -everyone of us. My husband and I are former missionaries. We were taught that marital relations were solely for the creation of children (Of course, if it doesn't work the first time, you just have to keep trying). And they are strictly meant to take place in the dark between a man and a woman. That's the missionary position, and we've never strayed from it. Never. How can we make the network retract this evil lie?
Dottie Wright, Frisky Falls, MT
 
Dear Dottie:
Whoa! Whoa, there, little missy! 'Pears to me you got your bit in the wrong end a' the horse. I think you're thinkin' about "heterosexual", which ain't a bad thing - in moderation, a' course. If you look in your Webber's, I think you'll find that "homogeneous" simply means that all a' you is very smart, that's all. It's kinda like a compliment.
 
Now, I don't want you feelin' bad and all, 'cause it's a easy mistake to make. Why, I make lotsa the same kind of mistake myself, from time to time. But I have to laugh at 'em so I can keep my reputation for self-defecatin' humor.
 
 
____________________________
 

Dear W:
I have two teenage daughters who are only a year or two away from going out on their own. They were always very dutiful girls, but lately, they've been getting harder to control. I know you've had some experience in this area, and I wondered how you'd handle it.
Puzzled Dad, Lansing, MI
 
Dear Puzzled:
You came to the right guy this time. This seems to be happenin' all over America. You ask me, it's the pernicient influence of certain elements in this society what seek to overturn all the restrictives that you and I can bring to bare. I guess it's to be expected in a time of great social chains like this, but we got to put a stop to it.
 
In both a' our cases, I suspect it's a matter a' the girls havin' way too much self esteem for their own good. What I do is chip away at that until they's brought down to earth again. Take the other day for example, when I was up at the Crawford Ranch (on my workin' vacation). During a tour of the facilities, I made a seemin' casual reference to our new swimmin' pool. As I explained to the reporters, I call it the "whinin' pool", on account a' my daughters kept naggin' me to put one in. Now, you see how that works? With only a few words, I made the girls look silly all over the whole world! Now they ain't no place they can go but what someone won't remember how ungrateful they is.
 
So far, my plan's workin' pretty good, 'cept with one a' the girls, who don't seem to 'preciate my good efforts. But she'll come 'round soon, and you can bet she'll give me the thanks I got comin'!
 
____________________________
 

Dear W:
Our small mid-western town has suffered a number of economic reverses. Our horticultural products - particularly our tulips - were once the most highly-prized in the world, but now the bottom seems to have dropped out of that market. Our small steel mill has laid off nearly two-thirds of its workers, including my husband. We have used up nearly all the money in our savings accounts, and are near wits' end. We do have a fair amount in bonds in a safe-deposit box in the attic, but we've sworn never to unlock it. Now it looks as though we'll have to break our promise. What would you advise?
Desperate Near Duluth
 
Dear Desperate:
I'm real sorry that you are the unfortunate victim of the fiscal irrespondence of my predecesseror, who has been out of office for about ten months now. This is somethin' we're gonna fix as soon as we get through fundin' defense enhancements and givin' money to rich people.
 
Right now, however, I can only see three answers to your town's problems. First, you all got to get more political activated. Go to your Mayor, town council or whatever, and demand that they reduce the taxes and fees imposed upon your better (wealthiest) citizens. This will in turn encourage the rich folks to spend more money, thereby helping your town to prosper - if they spend it in your town, that is. Second, you all should be sure to spend your tax rebate so that your economy will get a serge (by the way, I took the liberty a' checkin' on your rebate situation, and you don't qualify this year, darlin', bless your heart). Third, I'm afraid you can't do much else but unlock that safe deposit box. That's not too bad, y' know, 'cause, after all, you only made the promise to yourselves, anyway. It's not like it was real. Next time, you might wanta try a little trick we use in our house. We always get the kinda safe deposit box what got a hidden door in the back. In the meantime, be sure to buy more refrigerators and other do-able goods. Good luck now, y' hear?