Dear W:
Something must be done to stop the tidal wave of immorality now engulfing our fair city.

I must tell you about a perverse and disgusting lifestyle, practiced by individuals who form unions for no other reason than the "enjoyment" of indiscriminate sex. In these unions one may find men sleeping with women, women sleeping with men - it makes no difference to these sick minds. I wish I could be more explicit about their unspeakable acts, but they are usually committed at night behind closed doors, and their perpetrators refuse to provide me with details. I do, however, have a large collection of video tapes and books that offer horrifyingly comprehensive descriptions of their degenerate rituals.

Sad to say, our local clergy and law enforcement can't - or won't - intervene. I now find that the city has been issuing cohabitation permits to these debauchers, and that members of the clergy are blatantly solemnizing their unholy unions.

The last straw occurred when I discovered that these degenerates are now holding clandestine nighttime meetings with educators - right in our very schools! - the better to carry out their satanic agenda to indoctrinate our helpless children. They cynically call These meetings "Parent Teacher Assignations".

The police refuse to help - and their contemptuous responses to my complaints makes clear the fact that they also are part of this evil conspiracy. I turn to you to help restore our little city's moral fiber.
Meredith Naught, Couer D'Alene, ID


Dear Meredith:
I am shocked, shocked! I knew things was gettin' bad in the heartland, but I had no idea! You are right. Somethin' must be done, and it's gotta be done fast! I have forwarded your letter to Attorney General John Ashcroft, and Solicitor General Ted Olson, who are as opposed to sex as you and I. They've promised speedy action, and ask that you send the tapes and books you mentioned to them immediately, to be analyzed for evidence. Thank you for your alertedness and good citizenry.

____________________________

Dear W:
Earlier this month I was appointed to an important post in a powerful law enforcement agency. Even though I have had more than twenty five years' experience in this field, my appointment remained in doubt until the very last moment. Apparently my new boss' boss (you'd recognize his name) wasn't sure that I had enough "star power" or was enough of a "company man" for the job. This even though I have always been completely supportive and uncritical of the agency in the past.

At that, though, they may have a point. As I've become more familiar with the agency, I have begun to worry more about the size of the task before me. In recent years the organization has suffered a great deal of untoward public attention: internal espionage, bungled surveillance, missing documents, questionable fatalities, and incompetent evidentiary analyses. It even turns out that our most famous leader was enormously fond of pink taffeta. Although I'm glad for the appointment, I'm no longer sure about the course of action I should follow in the next few months. Do you have any suggestions?
R. S. M., III

Dear R. S. M:
I think I can help you out with three little words, fella: LOY-AL-TEE. "Loyalty" means doing what's best for your boss, and by extentiation, your boss's boss. Now, some people in public office get side-tracked by high-toned abstract ideas about "public service" and such like. Don't let that happen to you. It ain't about the people who pays you, it's about the one who hands you your check. And always remember, you can't score a home-run if you ain't on the team.
____________________________


Dear W:
It has recently come to my attention that, in May of 1999, speaking of the satirical site, "gwbush.com", and its creator, Zack Exley, you made these comments:

In looking over the site, I find it to be a very clever parody, but hardly the threat that you and your lawyers seemed to feel it was. I must admit to being a little concerned that someone who is constitutionally obligated to defend freedom would make such statements, or would mount such a determined legal effort to destroy a legitimate opposing view. Is it possible that the news reports are incorrect?
Worried in Waukesha

Dear Worried:
I guess I'd have to say that I stand beside my words, and that I'm proud to pronounce them again. These days there's entirely too much loose talk about "freedom" and not enough about "responsibility". I think I understand somethin' the so-called "liberals" don't seem to: too much freedom is bad for you. It's just like candy: sure, it's sweet at first, but too much of it, and whatta ya got? A stomach-ache, that's what. All this so-called "freedom" is just another form of slavery, ain't it? Do you want to be spendin' all your time worryin' about whether you have the "freedom" to do this, or the "freedom" to do that? 'Course not. You'd rather be out enjoyin' your speedboat, or your golf game, or whatever, wouldn't you? 'Course you would.

There's good hysterical presidents for what I'm sayin'. Our earliest fourfathers didn't care about freedom. You didn't see no "Declaration of Freedom" or "War of Freedom", did you? No, from the very beginnin', the emphasis was on independence. Look at all them Intolerable Acts the British done that got us so fired up. What America wanted wasn't freedom so much as independence - in other words to get Britain off our back. Well, gettin' people off a' my back's all I want, either. Last I heard, there was nearly 800 separate web sites dedicated to treasonous disagreement with me. Sure, that's freedom, but it's way too much freedom. If America ain't careful, it's gonna get a stomach-ache about me. Don't be one of the belly-achers. Support me and cross freedom right off your list.