Dear W: I am a senior executive with a large, southwestern firm. A few weeks ago I learned that I am on the short list for the position of CEO. The problem is that I have a somewhat unsavory past - wild parties, substance abuse, reckless driving, that sort of thing. Since my candidacy was announced, I have become the focus of an avalanche of rumors, most of which are unfortunately true. In addition, the Board is beginning to ask particularly difficult questions. What should I tell them?
- Nervous in Nogales

Dear Nervous: Shoot, you don't have to tell 'em nothin'. You just say you "won't play that game." You tell 'em that you're too busy thinkin' about how to make your company the best in the world, to be bothered by all these allegations. Sure, some of 'em will fuss about it for awhile, but you'll see, pretty soon they'll forget all about it. And so should you.

Dear W: I was once a highly-respected progressive reformer, well-known for my leadership in environmental and consumer affairs. Last year, my party nominated me for a very high office. Unfortunately, I became involved in a tawdry affair with a broader-based electorate and turned my back on my former principles and friends. When it ended, I had brought disaster and ruin to all who loved and trusted me. Too late I realized that it was a foolish and egotistical, self-destructive infatuation, one that I now bitterly regret. These days, wherever I go, old friends and colleagues spurn me. How can I make amends and be restored to the bosom of my former associates? - R. N. in Washington, DC

Dear R. N.: Well, Hell, you got nothin' to make amends for, fella. If they don't want you in their bosom, you just stay out of it. This is America. You can go after any electorate you want, don't matter how broad it is. Ask me, I think you ought'a teach 'em all a lesson. Know what? You ought'a do the same thing again next time. That'll show 'em not to mess with you.

Dear W: I am the CEO of a large energy and diversified holdings company. In recent months my industry and my firm have benefited hugely from a substantial windfall that has also greatly enhanced my personal circumstances. In celebration my wife and I plan to purchase a few significant works of art.. We've narrowed the search to works by della Francesca, Modigliani, deKooning and Kandinsky. Which would you recommend? - Ken L. in Houston, Texas

Dear Ken: Those all sound like foreign names to me, fella. What's wrong with buyin' some pictures by American painters like Rembrandt or Picasso?